Actors Who Now Make Me Wretch

THE JAY – 1:07 a.m.

I was flipping through the barren landscape that is Time Warner cable in the middle of reality summer, when I came across the 80's classic known as Top Secret! The remote hit the table like what, and stayed there. I sat back and enjoyed the Val Kilmer goodness. But an hour or so in, right after the insta-classic backwards scene, I got a bit depressed. When was the last time I actually enjoyed watching the Val? Sure, Spartan is the best film released this year so far, but that's like one flick since 1995 that didn't make me wanna throw up in my mouth. And I got to thinking... what happened? I mean, seriously?

From 1984-1995, Kilmer put on a run worthy of the Pantheon. Back to back to back classics right from the start: Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun. Then he went on to topline Willow, True Romance, Heat and the iconic performance that was Doc Holliday (I'm your Huckleberry!), in Tombstone. In short, he was The Man. F Tom Cruise. F Sam Jackson. People tend to forget this, but Val Kilmer was the go-to-guy for quality cinematic entertainment. If he was in the flick, you were having a good time.

And then, mysteriously, it all went bad. At First Sight, The Saint, Island of Dr. Moreau, and other, more crappy movies. How did everything get so bad, so quick? Some say it was the success of Batman Forever. Others think he was such a dick that no good director would work with him. I prefer to think that he was just bored. Like Jordan taking a few years off to play baseball, Kilmer had nothing more to prove. And again, like Jordan, Kilmer is back again crushing grooves. The man has six movies coming out this year! Six! That's like twelve hours of Kilmer-osity. A half a day of Val-dom.

But still, for nearly a decade, the man was unwatchable. You avoided his films like the plague. It gets to think about all the other great actors who have suddenly become unwatchable. Actively avoidable. And being the avid listmaker that I am, I have compiled the following: The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors in Hollywood.

Remember, the sole criterion is that at one time, each actor was a guaranteed good time at the movies. And now, they are automatic visual insta-hurl.

10. Michael Keaton
Maybe it's the Batman thing. It just curses people. Then again, Clooney keeps knocking them out of the park, so there goes that. It's almost hard to remember how good Keaton was and is. For God sakes, he's Beetlejuice! But name a film he's been in since The Paper, way back in '94, that was any good? You can't. You know what the automatic entry onto this list is? Making a movie about a snowman… when you’re playing the snowman.

9. Ashley Judd
Before Charlize Theron, The Judder was the go to hottie actress that was always willing to play naked. Not to mention the girl could act up a storm. Heat, A Time to Kill, Ruby in Paradise, Smoke, Normal Life (Where she made even Luke Perry seem good by association), hell, even Kiss the Girls was pretty good. Now she's a brand, and a boring one at that. Her downfall was being given the power to green light her own movies. She's part of the Kate Hudson type, wherein you make the same flick year in and year out, with only the title changing. Get this girl an indie flick fast, and make sure it's not a woman in jeopardy storyline. And while you're at it, block Morgan Freeman's number. And Sam Jackson's. And Tommy Lee Jones'.

8. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Listen close: She is the hottest actress in Hollywood. Period. Go back and watch Mask of Zorro, then come back and try to argue this with me. You can't. And this is CZJ's problem. She's too good looking. Too splendiferous. She can't play ugly; she can’t play small. And now, she flat out can't play. Aside from Chicago, where she was playing opposite the atrocity that is Renee Zellweger (who is fast becoming the ultimate unwatchable actor), the Zeta just doesn't entertain anymore. She single-handedly brought down The Terminal. That means she was so bad, she made Spielberg and Hanks look like R. Kelly doo doo butter. Hopefully a return trip down Soderbergh lane will fix this problem.

7. Kevin Costner
If you act in it, they will not come. Back when I had my own site I used to write a popular column called "Speaking of the Movies", wherein I commented on the state of Hollywood. In my first edition I wrote this: "If Kevin Costner's career falls in the woods, and no one is around to see it, does anyone really care?" And that statement still rings true. But Spiderman's balls he used to be fun to watch! Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, The Untouchables, Robin Hood (even with the non accent), JFK, Dances With Wolves. Where did he go wrong? Oh yeah, The Postman, I remember now. One film killed it for him. He can't buy his way into a theater now. I’ll put it this way, even Quentin Tarantino couldn't save him. Let’s all turn our heads, and pretend he doesn’t exist. We’ll all be better off.

6. John Travolta
This pains me so greatly. I was flat out living on Primary Colors the other day. Bless the Bravo Channel when it's not going gay. I couldn't help but think how great Travolta is. Then I remembered that Primary Colors came out in 1998. Since then: Battlefield Earth, Lucky Numbers, Basic, Domestic Disturbance, Swordfish, The Punisher, and the list could go on. Only the forthcoming sequel to Get Shorty can make him watchable again.

5. Meg Ryan
I blame Russell Crowe. Ever since she left The Quaid to shack up with the fighting Aussie, girlfriend can't pick a script to save her life. Even Tom Hanks is helpless in her wake. I just don't understand. She's Sally Albright! She's Goose's wife! She's Patricia Graynamore! And now what is she? Unwatchable. Too sad... gotta move on.

4. Samuel L. Jackson
When Dave Chappelle is making fun of you, you've done something wrong. It's not that he is a bad actor, because he isn't. It's just that his films are so goddamn terribly awful. He's stuck in Janeane Garofalo syndrome. Otherwise known as "I Can't Say No" Syndrome. If he would just be more selective, I would go see his movies again. Until then, you can bite me before I see XXX, or Basic, or Twisted. Ugh. Where have all the good men gone?

3. Jennifer Lopez
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If it weren't for her music career, she would have an Oscar by now. But, since that's not the case, I'm stuck trying to wipe the memory of The Wedding Planner, Gigli, Enough and Angel Eyes from my pop culture infested mind. She's got about two movies left on her Out Of Sight charity, and then I'm through with her.

2. Kevin Spacey
Shocking, I know, but still true. Spacey was once the King of Drama. ...Back in 1995. But with the wazoo sucking that was Pay it Forward, The Life of David Gale and The Shipping News, I get woozy just trying to buy a movie ticket for one of his flicks. You know what it is? It's the gay thing. Personally, I couldn’t care less who he wants to bang, even if it's guys (and in one case, a male friend of mine), but don't play coy about it. Cause it's starting to affect how we see you on-screen. Or, currently, don't see you on-screen. Either he's just having a bad couple movies, or we were wrong about him. You couldn't drag me to another Spacey snooze-fest.

1. Sylvester Stallone
Just don't talk to me for a while. I'm in too much pain. I can't...

Stallone is the easy answer, because he fell from such high heights. The other actors on this list can make comebacks, can find good ensemble flicks, can do quality TV. Where's Stallone gonna go? My boy is stuck in the 80's, back when his career made sense. Time has passed him on. I grew up on his cinematic slices of heaven. I own practically all his cheesy action movies, including Assassins (That's right, bitches! Whatcha gonna do?). It's why this moment is so difficult. He's just no good anymore. And the worst part is he doesn't even realize it.

To all the actors on this list, I beg you, please fire your agents. Slaughter your management team. Release the posse. It's time to make a change. You can all get back in audience's good graces; you just have to trust the fact that you aren't as cool anymore. And it's only getting worse. Please do something about this before we revoke your Celebrity and use it to stop the poker madness and rejuvenate The Affleck. Thank you for your time.

Bangarang, Madmartigan!

Where Do All The High School Girls Hang Out?

THE JAY – 4:07 a.m.

There are just no good places to meet people anymore. The club scene? Forget it. Trying to meet a girl when you have to yell just to convo, while both of you are half drunk and eyeing the room for a better prospect, ain't what I call the opportune first encounter. The bar scene? So over. You're dropping crazy dimes to drink watered down cocktails, sitting in your booth, while you and your boys bear claw the dance floor. Anyone that I meet at a bar is not someone I wanna date. Call me prejudiced, but that's just not my scene. And there is a high probability that a bar girl spends quite a lot of time in bars.

So what then? The mall? Please... The library? Yeah, right, maybe in College. The local Starbucks? I don't drink coffee. And besides, I found that people don't like to get interrupted during their coffee fix.

So I'll ask again... what's left?

I don't know where to meet people. Girls or guys. I don't work in an office, so that whole melodrama is out the window. I'm a journeyman industryphile. I meet people on set, or on crew, but it's always a temporary thing. I don't work with anyone long enough to get a grasp on them. I'm over College parties, though I seem to still do quite well at them (I am after all, King of Westwood!). That leaves me with house parties, thrown by friends or friends of friends. That seems the best short term answer, because there's always a chance that a new person may be there that I don't know. Of course, the likelihood that they are uncomfortably connected to various people in my life is often uncommonly high. In the end, I might as well just leave it up to chance or Serendipity or whatever the hell you call the thing that brings two people together and gives them the chance to become something.

It's just so odd that in a city so wide and deep, that there aren't more opportunities for two like-minded people to find each other. I'm beginning to understand the whole online dating thing. At least you can siphon off the crazies and the who cares by only responding to the ones whose like and dislikes closely match your own. You’re rolling craps on looks, but then again, what does that matter anymore. I've dated beautiful girls, ugly girls, average girls, girls with no personalities, girls with unimaginably wonderful personalities, girls with this and girls with that, and the only common denominator is that at one point they all hurt me and they all made me smile. So it's all even, I suppose. All are equal in the faceless world of the internet. And the best part is that unlike Los Angeles, it's a limited place. You go somewhere specific to find the dating sites. One can actually go straight to the dating, skipping over the traffic and the over priced beer and the bad hip hop music.

Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I'm tired of the people that I haven't met yet. Where the hell are they? I'm waiting for you. And I'd kinda like to know where you are. Cause I've been looking at all those typical social scenes. It's just not working anymore. And I'm beginning to lose all hope in the dating scene of the City of Angels.

A-train, tell me you have some solution. Some idea. Some suggestion. The start of a list of more social scenes. Let's get it going, figure it out, and make millions selling it to desperate twenty-something's. Forget the Break-up Handbook, how about the Meet Cute Guidebook? It's Gold, A-Train! Gold!

Bangarang, LaLa

Pre-Approved Hottie's: The Definitive Edition

THE JAY – 1:43 a.m.

I'm taking full credit for my theory of the pre-approved hottie. It was devised not on the toilet, where I usually do my great thinking, but during a drive down the hell that is Topanga Canyon Road. Curious as to why the Olsen twins movie bombed so gloriously, I stumbled upon my idea that their hotness was backfiring on them. For years, every guy with a workable third leg had lusted after those infamous Twinkies. Moreover, the trailer for New York Minute had one of them (God knows which one) in nothing but a towel, for the entire thing! That's gold! There was no way this movie could fail. But it did. So, in thinking about their demise, I came up with my theory. The Pre-Approved Hottie Theory. Forthwith, a detailed analysis of the theory...

First Rule of the Theory: it only applies to underage, jailbait girls. The reason for this is that any actress who comes on the scene who is legal and wants to be seen as a hottie, usually plays the hottie role very quickly. Establishment of hottiedom is a quick science. But for the underage girls, they can't very well strip down for a Maxim cover, cause the rents have to sign the permission slip.

Second Rule: to become a non-legal hottie, the girl must show signs of a desire to be a hottie. We tend to view an actor in the manner we first see them, so a child star is hard pressed to be viewed as a hottie right away. However, early in their career they must do something to change this view. If they take the slutty girl parts, or dress provocatively and exhibit aspects of a being a Valley Girl, for example, it's easy to see that hottieness is in their future; thus, the pre-approval.

Third Rule: Non pre-approved hottie's may not change their mind after becoming legal. They must stay non-approved. Though they may end up being hot and playing the part well, it's a different type of hottie. An empty, limited time only hottie. Pre-approved hotties always stay longer in the consciousness of men (and coincidentally, the public eye), because we waited anxiously for them to reach their potential. And when they reach it, as Natalie Portman so beautifully did in Episode One, it's a glorious moment for man and boy kind.

Fourth and Final Rule: Upon being pre-approved, the hottie must then fulfill their promise with the previously discussed Maxim/FHM/Stuff Magazine Cover or slutty film/ television role. It's just like a credit card, if you’re pre-approved, you gotta start spending.

Exception to the Rule: If a girl comes onto the scene after becoming legal, and is easily a hottie, then she's a hottie. Pre-Approved on arrival. The key, however, is that she must be widely recognized as an immediate hottie. For example: Kristin Kreuk, Elisha Cuthbert, Katie Holmes, Rachel Bilson, Kiera Knightley, Angelina Jolie, yada yada yada. If the poll swings in favor of hot, then we have ourselves a pre-approved hottie.

All rules must work in their favor, or the hottie can not be pre-approved, and therefore cannot keep a long and successful career of teasing the men of America.

Now that the Theory has been properly explained, let's go over a few recent applicants.

JESSICA BIEL - Lusciously Pre-Approved
I don't know how people forget this fact, but she was only 14 when 7th Heaven debuted. The first season was very innocent. However, for the second season, The WB, in their infinite wisdom, decided to create an ad campaign around Biel's emerging beauty. Billboards and bus stops were filled with Bielage, and it was good. Looks like we had the makings of a hottie… Remember, hottiedom is judged from the time they first appeared on the scene. And then there was the Gear incident. At only 17, Biel posed nearly naked for Gear Magazine. And thus, a pre-approved hottie was born. Even more, after the application was processed, she got herself kicked off her wussy show because they got mad that she posed nude! And to fulfill her promise, she stripped down to her skivvies in the notorious pool scene from Summer Catch (the only good scene in the movie), and banged an entire football team in the underrated Rules of Attraction. Jessica Biel is a hottie, always was a hottie, and always will be a hottie.

LINDSEY LOHAN - Sadly Not Pre-Approved
Just backing you up on this one, Train. Have you all noticed that she seems very flavor of the moment, instead of "Oh My God She's the next Star?" Up until Mean Girls, Lohan was no good, and wanted to stay that way. Growing a pair of yaboos after six or seven movies does not count. Se gets to stay hot, but she doesn't get to stay this wanted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Lindsey.

ELIZA DUSHKU - Gloriously Pre-Approved
I'm giving the girl a pass on True Lies because I thought she was banging. Regardless, the role that brought her onto the scene was as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Playing the evil slayer in hot, tight leather pants and Crow-black lipstick (at 17, mind you) gave her plenty of opportunities to show off her dangerous jailbait cleavage. That's a slut role if I ever saw one. She has gone on to give us a glorious, gratuitous bikini scene in the awesome flick The New Guy. If that’s not a sign of good faith (pun intended), I don't know what is?

MISCHA BARTON - Not Pre-Approved
It doesn't matter that she's still seventeen. It doesn't matter that she was topless for an Enrique Iglesias video. It doesn't matter that she's on all the girly magazine covers. Before The O.C., Mischa starred in two blockbusters and a hit TV show, without ever showing even a smidgeon of hottietude. But none of it matters when you play opposite Rachel Bilson. You will never be the hottie, or the slut of the show. And you will not be pre-approved, because no one thinks you're hot. Just go away and stop ruining the best show on TV!

ALICIA SILVERSTONE - Extremely Pre-Approved
A famous pre-approval. One look at the nubile 16 year old in The Crush signaled ocean sized signs that this one was destined for greatness. The approval went through after the release of Aerosmith's legendary Cryin’ video. That punim graced the walls of every teenager in America. And then, after the wonderful coronation ceremony, she goes and gets naked with Liv Tyler in the Crazy video. Such a giver, that one. God love Alicia, I know I and the rest of the men on this planet do.

JULIA STILES - Definitely Not Pre-Approved
For obvious reasons. Girl ain't hot. Just warrants mentioning.

KIRSTEN DUNST - Application Still Under Review
And has been under review for some time now. No one seems to be able to decide whether she's a true hottie or not. Bring it On helped, but that was her 28th project! There was the Maxim spread, but it wasn't even that great. There was the nipple scene in Spider-Man, but she was legal by that point. I say we call her a hottie, but reject her for pre-approval. There were just too many movies where she played the innocent, non-sexual tweener. And she doesn't ever appear to wanna be a hottie. If that doesn't break the cardinal second rule, then nothing will.

Still Awaiting Decision:
Alexis Bledel
Kate Bosworth
Amanda Bynes
Erika Christensen
Mandy Moore
Evan Rachel Wood

Until next time, or the next pre-approval…

Bangarang, Hotties!

Pre-Approving Hotties and Other Crimes Against Pop Culture

THE JAY – 12:50 p.m.

Good list, I agree with most of it, though you left out some key crappy trends. I intend to rectify that mistake right now.

OUT (unfortunately) - The Olsen Twins
On this, the day of Consent, I can find no one that actually still wants these girls. They had us for a minute, but they've lost us big time. Let 'em go, is what I say. Who cares? And do you know why? Cause they weren't pre-approved for hotness. Men don't really think they're attractive, we're merely praising them for not growing up ugly. To become a lasting hottie, you gotta show signs of hotness early on, so we can draw up the paperwork. Case in point, Natalie Portman: She applied when she was 13, after a little movie called The Professional made her the instant hard-on for every prepubescent Bar Mitzvah in the Western Hemisphere. She's grown up and we still lust for her. See how it works? The Olsen's were not pre-approved. Their hotness is against regulation, so they're paying for this derision by the entire country ignoring their movie and shunning their celebrity. That's what you get for screwing us around.

And on a side note, Happy Birthday, girls! Thanks for the good times behind locked doors. Now stop acting in movies together and one of you develop a drug problem and become a whore. You’re overdue. Thanks and be safe.

OUT - Piercing
Seriously, no joke, take that crap out of your face. It's not attractive. No really, it's not.

OUT (eyes rolling in frustration) - Navel Gazing Downer People
What is wrong with all you people who are so pessimistic, so bummery and always dressed in black? We've got new and improved Mike and Ike's, we've got iTunes and Kazaa, we’ve got Lindsey’s Lohans and Rachel’s Bilsons, hell we’ve got a new Batman and Star Wars flick coming out... What are you so depressed about? You're bringing all of us down with you. Again, not attractive. Grow up and put on some color. You're pale and boring!

OUT (happily) - People Who Claim Not to Watch TV
Well bully for you! That may have been a hip statement to make, say... ten years ago, when the only thing of quality on TV was Seinfeld and repeats of Beavis and Butthead. But it's a whole new ballgame now. TV is more important than ever. Reality shows are the only water cooler topic one even thinks of bringing up and cable has brought in when it comes to original programming. Off the top of my head: The Shield, Chappelle's Show, South Park, Reno 911, I Love the 80's, Scrubs, The O.C., Pardon the Interruption, SportsCenter, et al... And I haven't even touched the entertainment goldmine known as HBO. TV is where it's at. You don't look cool when you tell people you don't watch TV. You just look stuck up and pretentious and no one wants to talk to you. To all you above-it-all dorks: What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!

OUT - Ryan Seacrest and the word Metrosexual
I won't begrudge a man's success. If you hungry, bite the thing. BUT, and it's a tanned and hairless butt, do not, under any circumstances, screw things up for the rest of us. With your flat ironed hair and bad orange tan (HELLO!), you are killing all us good straight guys. Because I wear unwrinkled clothes, comb my hair, and am clean and nice to people, I gotta get every drunk girl thinking I'm gay. No, I'm not. I'm just not a slob. I like to be clean and look good. Does that make me gay? I don't know… why don't you blow me and find out. And another thing... to all you drunk bitches who keep asking us if we're gay, bite me twice. You're ugly when you do that. And even if I was, what difference does it make? If I were gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, I'd have better sense and style not to talk to you. So put down the fork. FACE!

OUT (finally) - Epic Battle Scenes
We've been there. We've done that. Liked it ten years ago in Braveheart. Liked it a bit less in Gladiator. Bored of it in Troy, The Last Samurai, The Alamo, Return of the King and the Matrix sequels. Take a hint from the master known only as QT, the best action scenes are between two people, preferably hot women, duking it out with Hattori Hanzo steel. Anything else, and I'm just gonna tune you out.

OUT (throw her ass out) - Kate Hudson
... Penny Lane. God damn. How does she go from Cameron Crowe to Raising Helen? Who's pulling this girl's strings? I can't even be sure she's a good actress, because all I see her in are boring, predictable romcoms. What is with young actresses who start so enigmatically (Brittany Murphy included), gain a small measure of commercial success than throw it all away to be blah It Girls (Reese Witherspoon are your greasy ears burning?). There's a reason we found you enticing, and it's not because you have a megawatt smile and blond highlights. Somebody put this girl in a dangerous indie flick, right quick.

Alright, I'm welling up with till Tuesday eye rolls at my list, so let's wrap this sucker up...

OUT - J.Lo
Nobody cares about you. Or your marriages. Or your perfumes. Or your restaurants. Or your bad "hip hop" music. Or, as it appears lately, your movies. Just take your new Latin creep, go to Miami and cram it. You had Hollywood by the balls, lady. And you blew it! Out of Sight. You were awesome. The role of your life. If you had never gone into music you would have gotten an Oscar by now. You'd have your own action franchise. Naomi Watts wouldn't be taking all your roles. But no, you just had to break out from the block. And now look, you make crappy movies, you're spread egregiously thin and nobody likes you. I said goddamn! Just a shame… At this point, I'd prefer Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand puppet to your J. Lo any day of the week and twice on Sundays. At least she was funny. Such a unfortunate turn of events. Definitely warrants her own blog discussion in the future.

But until then...

Game, Blouses.

Who Knows, Lighting May Strike...

THE JAY – 4:34 a.m.

Life is made up of hundreds upon thousands of little moments of connection one has on any given day. Those connections can take the form of a smile, or a glance. A knowing look, a conversation, a kiss, or a fuck, or a punch, or any other way that one person interacts with the world around them. Some connections last more than mere moments. They last for an entire beer, or for the length of a song, or the entirety of a party. And, here's the bad news, sometimes those connections aren't meant to last longer than those brief initial bits of time. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, I can not speculate. But it's the truth of a matter that we often forget in the hazy aftermath of blackballing a girl from our life. We forget the simple idea that maybe, just maybe, the time we spend with a girl at a party, or at a coffee shop, et al, is all the time we are meant to spend. And any more time is just taking away from the harmony that was created during that first meeting. After all, there's a reason it's called a "Meet Cute". And there's a reason that right after that, boy usually loses girl.

I've tried your method, A-train. For six months I went around only giving out my number, and never asking for one. And they never called. And I had no control over the situation. I put it in their hands, giving them a perfect opportunity to rip my number up like Trent and the business class lay-up. And that's what they did. Who knows why they never called? More to the point, who cares?

After the first few no-goes, I adopted a vanish policy. The second I turn, or she walks away, they vanish from my life. Completely. I forget what they look like. I forget the shit we talked about. Hell, sometimes I forget their fucking name. This way, I don't get caught up in wondering if they're gonna call or not. Cause they might as well not exist. But dude, even that's hard to do...

We are not gonna be able to get around the fact that liking a girl that doesn't like you back, sucks. Period. End of discussion. She don't feel the flow, and we just gotta deal. Her number, my number, what difference does it make? In the end, the ones that do like us are gonna erase the bad taste of the ones who weren't worth it. I gotta believe that. I gotta lean on it. Because I love women. I love the way they make me feel. I love the chase. The thump. The glide. The tingle. The chills. The butterflies. The indescribable feeling you get right before your lips meet for the first time. The way she makes your knees go weak with just a smile. The awe you get when she steps out of her apartment and walks towards you. Did you forget just how beautiful she was? …I love it all. So I'm gonna keep going.

What else can we do? Girls are nuts, but so are we. We lead girls on, too. How often have we strung along a girl we only kinda sorta dig, because she puts out? She wants a relationship and you just wanna keep sticking your dick in her. It sucks and you know it. But we men don't wanna look like the bad guy. God forbid! So we thread her out till she gets frustrated and drops our shit. An even slimier way to go. No dude, men and women are equal opportunity shits.

The key, in the end, is honesty. But it's a type of honesty we don't get around to until after the fact. Take a situation I was speaking to earlier, where you aren't meant to have a girl in your life beyond the night you meet her. If you could see in advance that the one night is all you had, you'd go about things differently. Treat her uniquely. Take from her something that might be worthwhile, or pure, or good. Whatever that may be… But you wouldn't be thinking about the digits, or the first date, or all the rest of that nonsense. You'd just be appreciating the moment. And when the moment ended, you could reflect upon it, and be thankful you had the chance to spend a moment with someone you had a connection with. Fuck if they don't call. You had a good time, why spoil it? Why pollute the dream? Let her be fiction. We'll all be better off.

The world is made up of hundreds upon thousands of connections. Give us the end time for any or all of them, and I'm not here writing this post. You aren't reading this post. We're out there doing our thing, living our life without fear of rejection. Without fear that the next girl around the corner will or will not be "the one". Without fear that a Friday night will only produce frustration and blue balls. Instead, we could focus on what makes us happy. Or what makes us smile. The bottom line, is that I’m just not gonna get caught up with the worry of the possibility that things will turn sour. Because I love women. I love the women I know, and I love the women I've yet to meet. And I'll be damn sure that nothing as stupid as "flaky bitches" is gonna stand in my way of finding the one I love. Or the one that I love for a moment.

Be Direct, That's All We Ask

THE JAY 3:18 p.m

I will do my best not to make any generalizations, or drum up any clichés. No wait, second thought, I will. Women are vague, unfair, cruel and a lot worse at communication than men. There, I said it and I feel better now. Look, I'm not trying to say that every girl I know or talk to is evil, though some of them are. What I'm peepin' about on this post are girls that we men meet when we are out at social functions. Here's how the thing goes, but shouldn't...

You meet a girl. She seems really sweet, funny. Smiles for days. She's throwing you vibes like a fourth quarter Dan Marino. You score the digits and go home happy. For all you know, this is the next par 5. Right? So you wait two days, cause two days is kinda money, and industry standard. The convo goes well, laughs are had and tentative plans are set. So far, so good. Then you go on the "date" and quickly realize it's gonna be a major no-go. So what happened? I'll tell you. She never liked you. Not at any point. Not like that. She may think you're fun to be around, but she doesn’t think you're fun to be around naked. Don't take it personally, she's just nuts.

And I come to my point. This post is for the ladies, but fellas, listen close. Ladies, if you don't like a guy, please, do us the small courtesy of not flirting with us. We won't be offended. You're saving the both of us a lot of time, money and energy by not giving us the mixed signal we look for to go forward. Just don't flirt. Don't give us your number. Don't say yes to a date. Don't ask us to come over. Don't touch us. It's just that easy. You wanna simplify the man vs. women problem, there you go. If you don't like a guy, don't like him. But do the thing right and don't like him all the way. Men are fairly simple about these things. We like a girl, we hit on her. We wanna bone a girl, we hit on her. We don't like a girl, well, we may still hit on her depending on our chances to bone. Cause guys like to play golf. If you know what I mean. Holes.

Women, I beg of you, stop fucking with us. We're tired of it. And we're on to you.