A-Train and The Jay Do America!

THE JAY - 3:17 p.m.

Fine recap, my heterosexual traveling companion! Since you handled the bare facts, I’ll take the creative stuff. With so many sights and sounds, eats and beats, and generally just a large assortment of choices available to two scruffy looking Cali-born nerf herders hitting the highway, it’s a moral imperative that we break the trip down to its barest essentials. Namely, the best and the worst of all that we encountered on our infamous trip to the East. Enjoy.

Best Meal
This is a tough one, as we hit New Orleans, Atlanta, NC and Texas, all known for quality grub. But for my money, New Orleans beats the bunch. The dinner we had at that hole on Bourbon St included: red beans and rice, ribs, gumbo, crawfish etouffe, jambalaya, and something fine eats I can’t remember. You can’t beat that.

Worst Meal
Well the IHOP in Austin at four in the morning was pretty crappy. We mostly did ok on the food beat.

Easiest Part of the Drive
The patch of land from Atlanta to North Carolina was absolute cake. The homestretch is always the most satisfying.

Hardest Part of the Drive
That disgusting piece of land known as Texas. At no point did we enjoy the time we drove in that wretched state. We should have let that shit go to Mexico.

Best Road Trip Munchie
Red Swedish Fish, may they hail for eternity as the last saving grace of gummy candy. Chocodiles also kick a little ass. Just, you know, by the by…

Worst Road Trip Munchie
Psych! There’s no such thing… road trip munchie’s rule!

Coolest Weather Related Moment
The lightning storms in New Mexico. There’s nothing cooler than lightning on the prairie for two kids who never get to see lightning. Or prairie’s.

Crappiest Weather Related Moment
The ungodly rains of the Southeast. I’m super-glad we missed Katrina, but damn if she didn’t signal her arrival with the intense rain we hit driving through Texas and Alabama.

Best Deal in the Land
The drink prices at the not-so-crummy sports bar in ghetto-ass El Paso. Two dollars for a rum and coke… with tip! We could have gotten bombed for fourteen bucks and change. It was wise of us to get out when we did before Drunk Jason showed up and bought a cot in the back.

Worst Deal in the Land
The gas prices in just about every town we passed. What’s with this insanity? Oil can’t be this hard to get. We have the best scientists in the world and we can’t figure out a cheap alternative fuel source? This is a conspiracy just waiting to happen. You’re telling me that if the world suddenly dried out of oil that we wouldn’t have a suitable replacement. Dude, no joke, I bet they have an alternative fuel source, but since us schmucks keep paying up the ass for gas then that source is gonna stay sitting in a box next to the Holy Grail from that warehouse in Raiders.

Best Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
I didn’t put pants or shoes on for a week! I was rocking the comfort of gym shorts and flip flops 24/7. Aww yeah!

Worst Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
Did we mention that Texas sucks? As does Texas highway patrolmen? And the big ass rocks that litter Texas roads?

Best Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Tie between the hilarity of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and the coolness of the Criterion Collection audio commentary of the classic action flick The Rock. Bonus points for finally cementing the belief that Nic Cage is anything but a total tool. Shut UP, Nic Cage.

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Duece Bigalow just does not keep up. What was I thinking about, liking this movie? What was Sony thinking about, making a sequel to a one joke pony whose joke isn’t that funny to begin with?

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player, Part 2
The extras on the Chappelle’s Show season two DVD. Who would have though that the funniest show on television was so hit or miss? They must have the best editors in the business, because we turned that shit off after the fifteenth minute of Rick James cut scenes. The milk’s gone bad!

Best Trip-Saver
It goes with out saying, but if you’re gonna drive cross country and don’t have a portable DVD player, well then you’re just being dumb.

Best Trip-Saver, Part 2
The “no-punching” rule. A-Train is a bitch, this is a known fact. And truth be told, I ain’t the easiest person to be in enclosed spaces with. So a no hitting rule was probably the smartest decision we made all trip. It was definitely the only thing that saved us from descending into bitter savagery during the 23rd hour of our mind-bendingly long and extremely stupid 30 hour trek across the asspit of Texas.

Best Movie-going Experience… ever?
The random theater in that North Carolina mall was so sweet; great service, clean bathrooms, cheap tickets, and best of all… pure silence during the movie. God damn, now I remember why I used to like going to the movies. This is all just further evidence that everyone in LA sucks, because we have some of the finest theaters in the country, and yet maddeningly, have easily the absolute worst crowds in the WORLD. I mean, seriously, shut UP fuckers who talk during movies. At The Bridge! Where the tickets cost sixteen bucks! Go use up your cell phones minutes somewhere else! Ass.

State with the Hottest Girls
If there’s one thing we learned in our time on the road, it’s that we have one butt-ugly country. From the time we left Manhattan Beach, till the time we got to New Orleans, we did not see one pretty girl. Not one! Mikey from Swingers was right; LA is like some magical gene pool where the top two percent of hotness come to congregate. I may never leave the state again.

Scariest Moment of the Trip
It’s called driving over the wrong side of the tracks in Downtown San Antonio. Crazy people central. It was like something out of a Romero zombie-flick. Man alive, Texas blows.

Dumbest Drunk Jason Decision
This has already been covered by A-Train, but yeah, head butting the pole was a bad idea.

Smartest Drunk Jason Decision
Ha! Just making sure you’re paying attention. Drunk Jason is incapable of smart decisions. It’s his kryptonite. Like not being a bitch is A-Train’s kryptonite.

Best Moment of the Trip
This is gonna sound corny, but all of it was the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better cross country road trip experience, or a better traveling companion. I hate you A-Train, you know that, but I love you man. You’re my boy, Blue!

But next time… let’s skip Texas. What a shithole.

Bangarang, Road Trip!