That's a Burn! That's a Bad Actor BURN!

THE JAY – 1:37 a.m.

The search for the Most Untalented Celebrity in the World continues...

My Second Pick: Wilmer Valderrama

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s an actor becoming famous for who they are dating. Why does this make them valuable? Why does this merit an insane amount of US Weekly covers? Put out a movie, write a book, do something, anything, that brings value or worth to your existence, and then we can talk. In this ongoing list of missing talent, the few who are currently in star orbit for just these reasons are easy additions. For now, I want to talk about one loser in particular. And that someone is Wilmer Valderrama.

That 70’s Show is admittedly not a classic sitcom. It’s only mildly funny, and suffers from a preponderance of Ashton Kutcher, immediately losing itself valuable talent points. However, the cast as a whole is uniformly good. They work well together, setting up jokes and knocking down burns. Evaluating them individually, you find that there are a few very talented actors; ones who we will be seeing on the silver screen for years to come (take a bow Topher Grace, you’ve earned it. Now don’t go phoning in all your Denis Quaid movies, it’s in bad taste). In preparing this evisceration of the man who is Fes, I took a look at the CV of all six teen stars. What I found was that each of them has done work beyond the show that I have either enjoyed or respected, except Wilmer. He has literally done nothing but fake an accent for seven years. So why do I know how to spell his fukachta name? Why does he get the dollars and the hoopla?

Because he was balling Lindsay Lohan. And before that he dropped into Mandy Moore. And before that he took a ride on the Jennifer Love Hewitt Train of Herpes and Hormones. This is why he is famous. Because he bones hot chicks. Sure that makes him respectable, but talented? I think not. Has he been in a critically acclaimed indie film(Masterson)? No. Has he done a funny cameo in a broad ensemble star vanity project (Grace)? No. Has he lent his voice to an uber funny cult sitcom (Kunis)? Hell, has he created a groundbreaking Mtv show about clowning on celebs (Kutcher)? No and No. Instead, he was one of the celebs that got clowned.

In the seven years that he has been in the limelight, getting insane pay for a high profile network sitcom, he has done nothing to further the cause of entertainment. He has gotten by on balling the Lohan and butchering the English language. And you know we already have Arnold Schwarzenegger for that second one. And he’s our Governor! Let’s see fucking Fes do that!

And about the other thing, I took a closer look at his dating record and noticed a glaring problem with it: he corrupts the girls he dates. Pre-Wilmer, Lindsay Lohan was the burgeoning hottie who turned heads in Mean Girls. Post-Valderrama, she’s now the over-exposed, newly skanked out, Hilton hanger-on that no guy in his right mind would take five to beat to. How does he sleep at night knowing he ruined an easy five year hottie like that? Hell, at least Timberlake had the decency to leave Britney still respectable. He let that trash Federline do the dirty work.

A good boyfriend will help his lady in any way he can. Did Wilmer do anything to make Mandy Moore’s career better? No… in fact, he made the shit worse. While they were together her music career went in the wet circular. She dumps his sorry sack, and now she’s a big time actress, making all sorts of cute romantic comedies. And while we can’t really blame the Love Hewitt on him, he probably didn’t help matters.

So let’s do a quick recap: he balls the A-list Maxim cover girls, screws them up, ruins their good name, and then moves on smelling like roses. Further, he has chosen not to utilize the exclusive opportunity to topline movies or produce music or whatever he wants, that is provided an actor on a hit sitcom, and instead chose to coast on a bad accent and a greased up hairdo. Has he even provided a great catch phrase? Not really. He did some good work riffing on Ashton’s “Burn”, but that’s thin. Real thin. His best work was the look of horror on his face during his episode of Punk’d. I mean, c’mon!

The bottom line is this: he may very well turn out to have some talent. But right now I just don’t see it. What I do see is a Young Hollywood schmuck who lights it up at clubs, gets printed in the tabloids next to the next it girl whoever, then shows up to That 70’s Show and phones in it. Here’s what I say to that…

Bangarang, Lohan reject!

And also… Burn!