Recasting a Classic... Play At Your Own Risk

THE JAY – 11:17 pm

The other day a friend of mine ruined my night. All plays on words aside, I got hosed by someone I call a loved one. Here’s how it all went down: I was on my way to a late night, empty theater house, cheesy movie. Oh, how I love my cheesy late night movies. I even had some good company with me. My mind was set to mush speed as I sat down in the theater (center row, center seat, natch). We had some time to kill, so we started playing movie trivia. After a few easy rounds of name that Affleck bomb (by the way, the answer is all of the above), my good friend Lena tells me her friend came up with a great time waster. I said shoot.

Here’s the game:

You are a big time movie director. Top of the world. Every executive in town is throwing their movies at you. You are approached about one specific project, and for one reason or another, you cannot turn it down. You are making this movie. You are asked to remake Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. You can take the film in any direction you want, with any actors you want, so long as none of them have appeared in any Star Wars films. Who’s your cast?

Well, great, now I’m not getting anything done for the next week! Forget the movie. You think I can concentrate on Sandra Bullock shenanigans when I’ve gotta find the next Han Solo? Me thinks not.

I was consumed. I brought the query to all my film geek friends. They too, decried me for taking their week away. Each of us slaved over our casts, ignored friends and family, and TiVo’d Scrubs, Lost and American Idol (You’re my boy, Bo!). Text messages were sent in bulk. Frenzied e-mails and phone calls about actor’s heights, eye colors, credits, coolness, you name it, we questioned it. And after countless minutes and seconds, I have arrived at my decision. And now I will share it with you.

Forthwith, the cast for the upcoming remake of the original episode of Star Wars…

Princess Leia of Alderaan – Rachel McAdams
This was the easiest decision in the bunch. My favorite current actress; she can play demure, spunky, luscious, virginal, funny and enigmatic all at the same time. She has great, cinnamon bun ready hair. She’s thin, but curvy in all the right gold-bikini places. Oh man, and that smile can light up a room like a next generation Julia. And besides, she’s The Next. Who would you rather have? Julia Stiles? Kirsten Dunst? Erika Christensen? The Swimfan as a Skywalker? Really? “Han! Tell him you love me, I know it! “ Hee! Please excuse the gratuitous Swimfan reference. Gotta love those cheesy movies. Ahem, moving on…

Luke Skywalker – A complete unknown
This is not a cop-out, it’s a moral imperative. For the right type of Luke, you gotta pull a guy off a farm. He can’t be corrupted by too many failed sitcom pilots, or bad teen comedies. You have to look at this guy and see purity, innocence and joy. And seriously, we have no young actors that can portray innocence anymore. Trust me, I’m an actor and I live in LA. There’s nobody.

Bryan Singer was right to cat an unknown as his Superman. I can’t picture Nicolas Cage, Brendan Fraser or Josh Hartnett as the Man of Steel. Iconic characters have to be played by someone you can project feelings onto, not fall back on their tabloid baggage. And besides, can anyone tell me what Mark Hamill was in before Star Wars. I didn’t think so.

C3PO – David Hyde Pierce
Thin. Gangly. Prissy. Perfect. And he’s proven himself a capable voice talent. And besides, I’m giving the golden gay-bot a diminished role in my version anyway, so this’ll do.

R2D2 - Verne Troyer
I’ll be honest, he’s the only little guy I could think of. I guess, maybe that dude from The Station Agent? Could bring some gravitas to the role? Nah, we’ll stick with Mini-Me. If I were to lose him, I don’t know what I’d do. Yeah, I’d probably just cast another midget, but for ten minutes there I’d be quite inconsolable.

Chewbacca (what a wookie!) – Dikembe Mutombo
It’s time to bring in the man with the razor sharp elbow’s and the finger of doom. The man with seven kids by seven women. The tallest guy I could think of. Plus, I can’t understand a word that comes out of his mouth. He’s a perfect wookie.

Grand Moff Tarkin – Jason Isaacs
The steely eyed Brit for the steely eyed Vader lackey. He’s got stuffy, arrogant, prissy power-lust down to a T. He was probably the best thing about Mel’s pre-Jesus historical epic The Patriot, the only redeeming part of the last season of The West Wing, and a delicious, electric shock presence to the Harry Potter franchise. Leia can smell his foul stench from here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – John Hurt
Here’s how this works: he’s a British guy, he’s a well respected actor with a great body of work. He’s old. And Ian McKellen has been in too many major franchises.

Han Solo – Leonardo DiCaprio
Stay with me now. Remember the point of this exercise… we are picking someone to play the character not fill Harrison Ford’s shoes. So here’s what I needed: actor in his early thirties, tall, good build, charming, slightly immature, slightly dimwitted when necessary but also heroic when he has to be. Must have a rouge charm. And he has to be good looking enough to snare Leia. For the life of me I can’t figure out who would be better. Leo pulled off this character type in Titanic, and has proved he can do drama and action (not to mention piloting an aircraft) in last year’s masterpiece The Aviator. He’s the right age, the right type of charisma and the right type of attitude. DiCaprio is my man and I’m standing by him. And if you don’t like it, prove me wrong.

Darth Vader (voice) – Will Arnett
For those not in the know, Arnett is the comedic lynchpin of the inevitable tragic FOX sitcom to-be-canceled-before-its-time, Arrested Development. His Gob, rhymes with job, is a ludicrous, inept magician who will stop at nothing to rule the magic kingdom. He’s got all the makings of a Sith lord. But most of all is the voice.

Vader has the most quintessential, recognizable, idolic voice in movie history. You can’t do much better than James Earl Jones. But when you are remaking Star Wars, you gotta make the tough choices. And besides, what were my other choices, Kelsey Grammar? Vin Diesel? Please! The Pacifier as the biggest bad in the galaxy? We’d be better served casting Darth Helmet, and calling it a day. Arnett has a deep rich voice, with a register that can hold benjamins. He is the voice talent for a stack of commercials, and when he speaks, you listen. Can’t ask for much more than that.

So there’s my cast. It’s my Star Wars world, and you’re just cleaning up bantha fodder.

Bangarang, Lucas!