Pre-Approved Hottie's: The Definitive Edition

THE JAY – 1:43 a.m.

I'm taking full credit for my theory of the pre-approved hottie. It was devised not on the toilet, where I usually do my great thinking, but during a drive down the hell that is Topanga Canyon Road. Curious as to why the Olsen twins movie bombed so gloriously, I stumbled upon my idea that their hotness was backfiring on them. For years, every guy with a workable third leg had lusted after those infamous Twinkies. Moreover, the trailer for New York Minute had one of them (God knows which one) in nothing but a towel, for the entire thing! That's gold! There was no way this movie could fail. But it did. So, in thinking about their demise, I came up with my theory. The Pre-Approved Hottie Theory. Forthwith, a detailed analysis of the theory...

First Rule of the Theory: it only applies to underage, jailbait girls. The reason for this is that any actress who comes on the scene who is legal and wants to be seen as a hottie, usually plays the hottie role very quickly. Establishment of hottiedom is a quick science. But for the underage girls, they can't very well strip down for a Maxim cover, cause the rents have to sign the permission slip.

Second Rule: to become a non-legal hottie, the girl must show signs of a desire to be a hottie. We tend to view an actor in the manner we first see them, so a child star is hard pressed to be viewed as a hottie right away. However, early in their career they must do something to change this view. If they take the slutty girl parts, or dress provocatively and exhibit aspects of a being a Valley Girl, for example, it's easy to see that hottieness is in their future; thus, the pre-approval.

Third Rule: Non pre-approved hottie's may not change their mind after becoming legal. They must stay non-approved. Though they may end up being hot and playing the part well, it's a different type of hottie. An empty, limited time only hottie. Pre-approved hotties always stay longer in the consciousness of men (and coincidentally, the public eye), because we waited anxiously for them to reach their potential. And when they reach it, as Natalie Portman so beautifully did in Episode One, it's a glorious moment for man and boy kind.

Fourth and Final Rule: Upon being pre-approved, the hottie must then fulfill their promise with the previously discussed Maxim/FHM/Stuff Magazine Cover or slutty film/ television role. It's just like a credit card, if you’re pre-approved, you gotta start spending.

Exception to the Rule: If a girl comes onto the scene after becoming legal, and is easily a hottie, then she's a hottie. Pre-Approved on arrival. The key, however, is that she must be widely recognized as an immediate hottie. For example: Kristin Kreuk, Elisha Cuthbert, Katie Holmes, Rachel Bilson, Kiera Knightley, Angelina Jolie, yada yada yada. If the poll swings in favor of hot, then we have ourselves a pre-approved hottie.

All rules must work in their favor, or the hottie can not be pre-approved, and therefore cannot keep a long and successful career of teasing the men of America.

Now that the Theory has been properly explained, let's go over a few recent applicants.

JESSICA BIEL - Lusciously Pre-Approved
I don't know how people forget this fact, but she was only 14 when 7th Heaven debuted. The first season was very innocent. However, for the second season, The WB, in their infinite wisdom, decided to create an ad campaign around Biel's emerging beauty. Billboards and bus stops were filled with Bielage, and it was good. Looks like we had the makings of a hottie… Remember, hottiedom is judged from the time they first appeared on the scene. And then there was the Gear incident. At only 17, Biel posed nearly naked for Gear Magazine. And thus, a pre-approved hottie was born. Even more, after the application was processed, she got herself kicked off her wussy show because they got mad that she posed nude! And to fulfill her promise, she stripped down to her skivvies in the notorious pool scene from Summer Catch (the only good scene in the movie), and banged an entire football team in the underrated Rules of Attraction. Jessica Biel is a hottie, always was a hottie, and always will be a hottie.

LINDSEY LOHAN - Sadly Not Pre-Approved
Just backing you up on this one, Train. Have you all noticed that she seems very flavor of the moment, instead of "Oh My God She's the next Star?" Up until Mean Girls, Lohan was no good, and wanted to stay that way. Growing a pair of yaboos after six or seven movies does not count. Se gets to stay hot, but she doesn't get to stay this wanted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Lindsey.

ELIZA DUSHKU - Gloriously Pre-Approved
I'm giving the girl a pass on True Lies because I thought she was banging. Regardless, the role that brought her onto the scene was as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Playing the evil slayer in hot, tight leather pants and Crow-black lipstick (at 17, mind you) gave her plenty of opportunities to show off her dangerous jailbait cleavage. That's a slut role if I ever saw one. She has gone on to give us a glorious, gratuitous bikini scene in the awesome flick The New Guy. If that’s not a sign of good faith (pun intended), I don't know what is?

MISCHA BARTON - Not Pre-Approved
It doesn't matter that she's still seventeen. It doesn't matter that she was topless for an Enrique Iglesias video. It doesn't matter that she's on all the girly magazine covers. Before The O.C., Mischa starred in two blockbusters and a hit TV show, without ever showing even a smidgeon of hottietude. But none of it matters when you play opposite Rachel Bilson. You will never be the hottie, or the slut of the show. And you will not be pre-approved, because no one thinks you're hot. Just go away and stop ruining the best show on TV!

ALICIA SILVERSTONE - Extremely Pre-Approved
A famous pre-approval. One look at the nubile 16 year old in The Crush signaled ocean sized signs that this one was destined for greatness. The approval went through after the release of Aerosmith's legendary Cryin’ video. That punim graced the walls of every teenager in America. And then, after the wonderful coronation ceremony, she goes and gets naked with Liv Tyler in the Crazy video. Such a giver, that one. God love Alicia, I know I and the rest of the men on this planet do.

JULIA STILES - Definitely Not Pre-Approved
For obvious reasons. Girl ain't hot. Just warrants mentioning.

KIRSTEN DUNST - Application Still Under Review
And has been under review for some time now. No one seems to be able to decide whether she's a true hottie or not. Bring it On helped, but that was her 28th project! There was the Maxim spread, but it wasn't even that great. There was the nipple scene in Spider-Man, but she was legal by that point. I say we call her a hottie, but reject her for pre-approval. There were just too many movies where she played the innocent, non-sexual tweener. And she doesn't ever appear to wanna be a hottie. If that doesn't break the cardinal second rule, then nothing will.

Still Awaiting Decision:
Alexis Bledel
Kate Bosworth
Amanda Bynes
Erika Christensen
Mandy Moore
Evan Rachel Wood

Until next time, or the next pre-approval…

Bangarang, Hotties!