Actors Who Now Make Me Wretch

THE JAY – 1:07 a.m.

I was flipping through the barren landscape that is Time Warner cable in the middle of reality summer, when I came across the 80's classic known as Top Secret! The remote hit the table like what, and stayed there. I sat back and enjoyed the Val Kilmer goodness. But an hour or so in, right after the insta-classic backwards scene, I got a bit depressed. When was the last time I actually enjoyed watching the Val? Sure, Spartan is the best film released this year so far, but that's like one flick since 1995 that didn't make me wanna throw up in my mouth. And I got to thinking... what happened? I mean, seriously?

From 1984-1995, Kilmer put on a run worthy of the Pantheon. Back to back to back classics right from the start: Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun. Then he went on to topline Willow, True Romance, Heat and the iconic performance that was Doc Holliday (I'm your Huckleberry!), in Tombstone. In short, he was The Man. F Tom Cruise. F Sam Jackson. People tend to forget this, but Val Kilmer was the go-to-guy for quality cinematic entertainment. If he was in the flick, you were having a good time.

And then, mysteriously, it all went bad. At First Sight, The Saint, Island of Dr. Moreau, and other, more crappy movies. How did everything get so bad, so quick? Some say it was the success of Batman Forever. Others think he was such a dick that no good director would work with him. I prefer to think that he was just bored. Like Jordan taking a few years off to play baseball, Kilmer had nothing more to prove. And again, like Jordan, Kilmer is back again crushing grooves. The man has six movies coming out this year! Six! That's like twelve hours of Kilmer-osity. A half a day of Val-dom.

But still, for nearly a decade, the man was unwatchable. You avoided his films like the plague. It gets to think about all the other great actors who have suddenly become unwatchable. Actively avoidable. And being the avid listmaker that I am, I have compiled the following: The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors in Hollywood.

Remember, the sole criterion is that at one time, each actor was a guaranteed good time at the movies. And now, they are automatic visual insta-hurl.

10. Michael Keaton
Maybe it's the Batman thing. It just curses people. Then again, Clooney keeps knocking them out of the park, so there goes that. It's almost hard to remember how good Keaton was and is. For God sakes, he's Beetlejuice! But name a film he's been in since The Paper, way back in '94, that was any good? You can't. You know what the automatic entry onto this list is? Making a movie about a snowman… when you’re playing the snowman.

9. Ashley Judd
Before Charlize Theron, The Judder was the go to hottie actress that was always willing to play naked. Not to mention the girl could act up a storm. Heat, A Time to Kill, Ruby in Paradise, Smoke, Normal Life (Where she made even Luke Perry seem good by association), hell, even Kiss the Girls was pretty good. Now she's a brand, and a boring one at that. Her downfall was being given the power to green light her own movies. She's part of the Kate Hudson type, wherein you make the same flick year in and year out, with only the title changing. Get this girl an indie flick fast, and make sure it's not a woman in jeopardy storyline. And while you're at it, block Morgan Freeman's number. And Sam Jackson's. And Tommy Lee Jones'.

8. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Listen close: She is the hottest actress in Hollywood. Period. Go back and watch Mask of Zorro, then come back and try to argue this with me. You can't. And this is CZJ's problem. She's too good looking. Too splendiferous. She can't play ugly; she can’t play small. And now, she flat out can't play. Aside from Chicago, where she was playing opposite the atrocity that is Renee Zellweger (who is fast becoming the ultimate unwatchable actor), the Zeta just doesn't entertain anymore. She single-handedly brought down The Terminal. That means she was so bad, she made Spielberg and Hanks look like R. Kelly doo doo butter. Hopefully a return trip down Soderbergh lane will fix this problem.

7. Kevin Costner
If you act in it, they will not come. Back when I had my own site I used to write a popular column called "Speaking of the Movies", wherein I commented on the state of Hollywood. In my first edition I wrote this: "If Kevin Costner's career falls in the woods, and no one is around to see it, does anyone really care?" And that statement still rings true. But Spiderman's balls he used to be fun to watch! Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, The Untouchables, Robin Hood (even with the non accent), JFK, Dances With Wolves. Where did he go wrong? Oh yeah, The Postman, I remember now. One film killed it for him. He can't buy his way into a theater now. I’ll put it this way, even Quentin Tarantino couldn't save him. Let’s all turn our heads, and pretend he doesn’t exist. We’ll all be better off.

6. John Travolta
This pains me so greatly. I was flat out living on Primary Colors the other day. Bless the Bravo Channel when it's not going gay. I couldn't help but think how great Travolta is. Then I remembered that Primary Colors came out in 1998. Since then: Battlefield Earth, Lucky Numbers, Basic, Domestic Disturbance, Swordfish, The Punisher, and the list could go on. Only the forthcoming sequel to Get Shorty can make him watchable again.

5. Meg Ryan
I blame Russell Crowe. Ever since she left The Quaid to shack up with the fighting Aussie, girlfriend can't pick a script to save her life. Even Tom Hanks is helpless in her wake. I just don't understand. She's Sally Albright! She's Goose's wife! She's Patricia Graynamore! And now what is she? Unwatchable. Too sad... gotta move on.

4. Samuel L. Jackson
When Dave Chappelle is making fun of you, you've done something wrong. It's not that he is a bad actor, because he isn't. It's just that his films are so goddamn terribly awful. He's stuck in Janeane Garofalo syndrome. Otherwise known as "I Can't Say No" Syndrome. If he would just be more selective, I would go see his movies again. Until then, you can bite me before I see XXX, or Basic, or Twisted. Ugh. Where have all the good men gone?

3. Jennifer Lopez
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If it weren't for her music career, she would have an Oscar by now. But, since that's not the case, I'm stuck trying to wipe the memory of The Wedding Planner, Gigli, Enough and Angel Eyes from my pop culture infested mind. She's got about two movies left on her Out Of Sight charity, and then I'm through with her.

2. Kevin Spacey
Shocking, I know, but still true. Spacey was once the King of Drama. ...Back in 1995. But with the wazoo sucking that was Pay it Forward, The Life of David Gale and The Shipping News, I get woozy just trying to buy a movie ticket for one of his flicks. You know what it is? It's the gay thing. Personally, I couldn’t care less who he wants to bang, even if it's guys (and in one case, a male friend of mine), but don't play coy about it. Cause it's starting to affect how we see you on-screen. Or, currently, don't see you on-screen. Either he's just having a bad couple movies, or we were wrong about him. You couldn't drag me to another Spacey snooze-fest.

1. Sylvester Stallone
Just don't talk to me for a while. I'm in too much pain. I can't...

Stallone is the easy answer, because he fell from such high heights. The other actors on this list can make comebacks, can find good ensemble flicks, can do quality TV. Where's Stallone gonna go? My boy is stuck in the 80's, back when his career made sense. Time has passed him on. I grew up on his cinematic slices of heaven. I own practically all his cheesy action movies, including Assassins (That's right, bitches! Whatcha gonna do?). It's why this moment is so difficult. He's just no good anymore. And the worst part is he doesn't even realize it.

To all the actors on this list, I beg you, please fire your agents. Slaughter your management team. Release the posse. It's time to make a change. You can all get back in audience's good graces; you just have to trust the fact that you aren't as cool anymore. And it's only getting worse. Please do something about this before we revoke your Celebrity and use it to stop the poker madness and rejuvenate The Affleck. Thank you for your time.

Bangarang, Madmartigan!