Pre-Approving Hotties and Other Crimes Against Pop Culture

THE JAY – 12:50 p.m.

Good list, I agree with most of it, though you left out some key crappy trends. I intend to rectify that mistake right now.

OUT (unfortunately) - The Olsen Twins
On this, the day of Consent, I can find no one that actually still wants these girls. They had us for a minute, but they've lost us big time. Let 'em go, is what I say. Who cares? And do you know why? Cause they weren't pre-approved for hotness. Men don't really think they're attractive, we're merely praising them for not growing up ugly. To become a lasting hottie, you gotta show signs of hotness early on, so we can draw up the paperwork. Case in point, Natalie Portman: She applied when she was 13, after a little movie called The Professional made her the instant hard-on for every prepubescent Bar Mitzvah in the Western Hemisphere. She's grown up and we still lust for her. See how it works? The Olsen's were not pre-approved. Their hotness is against regulation, so they're paying for this derision by the entire country ignoring their movie and shunning their celebrity. That's what you get for screwing us around.

And on a side note, Happy Birthday, girls! Thanks for the good times behind locked doors. Now stop acting in movies together and one of you develop a drug problem and become a whore. You’re overdue. Thanks and be safe.

OUT - Piercing
Seriously, no joke, take that crap out of your face. It's not attractive. No really, it's not.

OUT (eyes rolling in frustration) - Navel Gazing Downer People
What is wrong with all you people who are so pessimistic, so bummery and always dressed in black? We've got new and improved Mike and Ike's, we've got iTunes and Kazaa, we’ve got Lindsey’s Lohans and Rachel’s Bilsons, hell we’ve got a new Batman and Star Wars flick coming out... What are you so depressed about? You're bringing all of us down with you. Again, not attractive. Grow up and put on some color. You're pale and boring!

OUT (happily) - People Who Claim Not to Watch TV
Well bully for you! That may have been a hip statement to make, say... ten years ago, when the only thing of quality on TV was Seinfeld and repeats of Beavis and Butthead. But it's a whole new ballgame now. TV is more important than ever. Reality shows are the only water cooler topic one even thinks of bringing up and cable has brought in when it comes to original programming. Off the top of my head: The Shield, Chappelle's Show, South Park, Reno 911, I Love the 80's, Scrubs, The O.C., Pardon the Interruption, SportsCenter, et al... And I haven't even touched the entertainment goldmine known as HBO. TV is where it's at. You don't look cool when you tell people you don't watch TV. You just look stuck up and pretentious and no one wants to talk to you. To all you above-it-all dorks: What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!

OUT - Ryan Seacrest and the word Metrosexual
I won't begrudge a man's success. If you hungry, bite the thing. BUT, and it's a tanned and hairless butt, do not, under any circumstances, screw things up for the rest of us. With your flat ironed hair and bad orange tan (HELLO!), you are killing all us good straight guys. Because I wear unwrinkled clothes, comb my hair, and am clean and nice to people, I gotta get every drunk girl thinking I'm gay. No, I'm not. I'm just not a slob. I like to be clean and look good. Does that make me gay? I don't know… why don't you blow me and find out. And another thing... to all you drunk bitches who keep asking us if we're gay, bite me twice. You're ugly when you do that. And even if I was, what difference does it make? If I were gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, I'd have better sense and style not to talk to you. So put down the fork. FACE!

OUT (finally) - Epic Battle Scenes
We've been there. We've done that. Liked it ten years ago in Braveheart. Liked it a bit less in Gladiator. Bored of it in Troy, The Last Samurai, The Alamo, Return of the King and the Matrix sequels. Take a hint from the master known only as QT, the best action scenes are between two people, preferably hot women, duking it out with Hattori Hanzo steel. Anything else, and I'm just gonna tune you out.

OUT (throw her ass out) - Kate Hudson
... Penny Lane. God damn. How does she go from Cameron Crowe to Raising Helen? Who's pulling this girl's strings? I can't even be sure she's a good actress, because all I see her in are boring, predictable romcoms. What is with young actresses who start so enigmatically (Brittany Murphy included), gain a small measure of commercial success than throw it all away to be blah It Girls (Reese Witherspoon are your greasy ears burning?). There's a reason we found you enticing, and it's not because you have a megawatt smile and blond highlights. Somebody put this girl in a dangerous indie flick, right quick.

Alright, I'm welling up with till Tuesday eye rolls at my list, so let's wrap this sucker up...

OUT - J.Lo
Nobody cares about you. Or your marriages. Or your perfumes. Or your restaurants. Or your bad "hip hop" music. Or, as it appears lately, your movies. Just take your new Latin creep, go to Miami and cram it. You had Hollywood by the balls, lady. And you blew it! Out of Sight. You were awesome. The role of your life. If you had never gone into music you would have gotten an Oscar by now. You'd have your own action franchise. Naomi Watts wouldn't be taking all your roles. But no, you just had to break out from the block. And now look, you make crappy movies, you're spread egregiously thin and nobody likes you. I said goddamn! Just a shame… At this point, I'd prefer Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand puppet to your J. Lo any day of the week and twice on Sundays. At least she was funny. Such a unfortunate turn of events. Definitely warrants her own blog discussion in the future.

But until then...

Game, Blouses.