Things Oveheard on the Oscar Red Carpet...

THE JAY – 4:37 p.m.

We’ll get back to picking on worthless, talentless celebrities in a minute, but first, something fun to spring us into March…

There are few things better in this world than gossip. And the absolute nadir of gossip, is Celebrity gossip. Being a purveyor of pop culture such as I am, I go to great lengths to get inside the most private of celebrity drama. And as I do every year, I managed to get a hidden microphone on the Oscar red carpet, picking up the sights and sounds, and most importantly, the dirt.

But before I press play on the gossip, let me break it down for you on my most masterful and mischievous plan. Since I bugged Charlie Kaufman’s imaginary twin brother a couple years back, I knew I couldn’t tap the Eternal Sunshine well again. Last year I was lucky enough to convince Sean Penn that my hidden tape recorder was really a “No WMD’s in Iraq” pin. I mean, really? Great actor, not very bright. And since no one wants to talk to him anyway, no dice there.

This year would have to be my most intricate, most elaborate plan of all. I plucked, teased, buffed, tanned, coordinated and polished myself into an exact replica of the grooming guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and approached Penelope Cruz’s people about a makeover. I told them I was the guy behind Virginia Madsen’s comeback. Sensing a way to overcome her reputation of extreme Box Office Poison (!), she rushed to accept my services. And service her I did. Did you catch the abnormally large beehive hairdo Ms. Penelope McConaughey was sporting? Did you happen to think to yourself, wow that beehive is so big, you could put a hidden tape recorder in there? Well, so did I. Zing!

So without further ado, and with apologies to Penelope Cruz (I’m sure you’ll be a big draw for the upcoming box office flop Sahara.), I present for your enjoyment:

Things Overheard…on the Oscar Red Carpet

Virginia Madsen: How you like me now, Candyman! Sit on it, Michael. Now’s who’s the biggest Madsen in the family? That’s right, me baby. Go get drunk and make another straight-to-video bomb. Something I won’t be doing for at least six to eight more months. It feels good to be in.

Jim Carrey: I talked out of my ass, that didn’t work. I did Peter Weir, that didn’t work. I did a biopic, that didn’t work. I do an indy flick, still didn’t work. Well fuck all, Academy, I’m going back to the ass. At least there I get some respect.

Halle Berry: Man, the red carpet for the Razzies is getting better every year. Look at this place!

Natalie Portman: It’s ok if I don’t win. There always next year. After all, George is so good with actors. Even better than Mike Nichols.

Kate Winslet: What does a British girl have to do to win an Oscar? Do I have to lose twenty pounds and play a garish American? Or has Renee cornered the market on all that nonsense?

Samuel L. Jackson: If Jamie Foxx wins an Oscar before me, goddamn it I’m gonna kill muthafucka’s! I’m Sam Jackson. I’m the MAN! What, I can’t get no love for Twisted? Fool, I was in S.W.A.T. I’m Coach Carter! Whatever. I’ll be here next year. George knows what he’s doing. Mace Windu in the house!

Hilary Swank: I told you I was a girl. Didn’t you see me up there playing a scrappy, yet ultra feminine boxer? I was sex-E! And now look at me. Two Time Oscar Winner The Next Karate Kid. Let’s see you do THAT Ralph Macchio! Crane kick, my ass!

Jude Law: I didn’t get nominated? But how can that be? I was in so many movies last year I should be up for the lifetime achievement award by now!

Ben Stiller: You’re telling me.

Catalina Sandino Moreno: Wow, all this publicity is so overwhelming! I feel like J.Lo with all this press I’m getting. How do you say “NOT!” in Spanish?

Jamie Foxx: Man, Sam is really mad dogging me. Oh well, back to practicing my Oscar speech. Heeeey! Hoooo! This one goes out to all the Booty Call fans out there. If I can win an Oscar by playing a famous dead guy, man, Snoop Dogg, you ain’t but a Marvin Gaye biopic from sniffing Oscar gold. Heeeey! Hooooo!

Martin Scorsese: What do I have to do to win an Oscar? C’mon! Did I spit on someone’s relative? Was Goodfellas not good enough? Were Taxi Driver and Mean Streets too much fluff? What do I gotta do? Make a boxing movie? I’m pretty sure I’ve done that already. A little something I like to call Raging Bull? No? Nothing? Forget it, I’m outta here. A got a looping session for Shark Tale 2 in two hours, anyway.

Clint Eastwood: Marty, genius ain’t enough.

Martin Scorsese: I swear to God I’ll kill you, you freakin’ cowboy! Where’s De Niro to whack somebody when you need him? What? He’s doing another Ben Stiller movie? Well, at least isn’t selling out.

Renee Zellwegger: Wow, ya’ll! It’s so great to be nominated for playing Bridget Jones again. This really makes gaining ten pounds and looking normal, worth it. What? I didn’t get nominated? Are you kidding me? I scrunched my face up all cute like, for NO REASON! This sucks, ya’ll.

Joan Rivers: Oh, OH, Don Cheadle, you were wonderful in Ray! I love how you brought Stevie Wonder to life. What are you wearing? You look fantastic!

P-Diddy: I’d like to win an Oscar, but I don’t got the time. I’m gonna have to shut down the studio. If I had it my way, I'd never work. I'd sit at home and eat cookie dough off the ass of a Tasmanian Devil. Cause’s that’s what’s down in the streets! And I’d paint. But I can’t! I don’t got that type of time!

Annette Benning: I swear if that little boy beats me again I’m gonna sick Warren on her ass. I was in The Grifters, goddamn it. I could have played a scrappy boxer. And it would have been damn classy, too. Warren, Warren, get back here. Leave Halle Berry alone!

Star Jones-Reynolds: Allegedly, somebody is watching this show. Allegedly.

Paul Giamatti: I’m good, but even I’m not good enough to fake enthusiasm for this crap. They nominated the guy from Wings, but not me? It wasn’t like I was opposite Tony Shalhoub! Ah forget it, I’m gonna go get drunk and research my next movie, Sideways 2: Revenge of the Merlot.

Ben Affleck: Last name is Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. How can I not be on the list? I had a hit movie last year. Hello? A little something I like to call Surviving Christmas? It was only the third highest grossing movie of the year with the word Christmas in the title… you know, in the world. That means Oscar time in Affleck-land. Give it up! Ah screw it, I’ll be in Vegas.

Sean Penn: What’s funny? Shut up. I’ll punch you in the mouth.

Uma Thurman: Hilary Swank? Let’s see her box her way out of a drunken Bill Carradine advance. Yeah, I didn’t think so. C’mon Quentin, let’s go make another perfect film that gets ignored by the Academy.

Quentin Tarantino: (snifling) Alright. But this time, can I act in it, too?

Uma Thurman: We’ll see, honey. We’ll see.

Bangarang, Oscar!