September 14, 2005

The Jay Has A New Home!

Just to keep our four regular visitors informed, I have a new website!

www.TheJay.com

It's funny, its free, and there's a bunch of cool photos of screwed up celebrities looking stupid. Can't go wrong with that!

Bangarang, TheJay.com!

August 30, 2005

A-Train and The Jay Do America!

THE JAY - 3:17 p.m.

Fine recap, my heterosexual traveling companion! Since you handled the bare facts, I’ll take the creative stuff. With so many sights and sounds, eats and beats, and generally just a large assortment of choices available to two scruffy looking Cali-born nerf herders hitting the highway, it’s a moral imperative that we break the trip down to its barest essentials. Namely, the best and the worst of all that we encountered on our infamous trip to the East. Enjoy.

Best Meal
This is a tough one, as we hit New Orleans, Atlanta, NC and Texas, all known for quality grub. But for my money, New Orleans beats the bunch. The dinner we had at that hole on Bourbon St included: red beans and rice, ribs, gumbo, crawfish etouffe, jambalaya, and something fine eats I can’t remember. You can’t beat that.

Worst Meal
Well the IHOP in Austin at four in the morning was pretty crappy. We mostly did ok on the food beat.

Easiest Part of the Drive
The patch of land from Atlanta to North Carolina was absolute cake. The homestretch is always the most satisfying.

Hardest Part of the Drive
That disgusting piece of land known as Texas. At no point did we enjoy the time we drove in that wretched state. We should have let that shit go to Mexico.

Best Road Trip Munchie
Red Swedish Fish, may they hail for eternity as the last saving grace of gummy candy. Chocodiles also kick a little ass. Just, you know, by the by…

Worst Road Trip Munchie
Psych! There’s no such thing… road trip munchie’s rule!

Coolest Weather Related Moment
The lightning storms in New Mexico. There’s nothing cooler than lightning on the prairie for two kids who never get to see lightning. Or prairie’s.

Crappiest Weather Related Moment
The ungodly rains of the Southeast. I’m super-glad we missed Katrina, but damn if she didn’t signal her arrival with the intense rain we hit driving through Texas and Alabama.

Best Deal in the Land
The drink prices at the not-so-crummy sports bar in ghetto-ass El Paso. Two dollars for a rum and coke… with tip! We could have gotten bombed for fourteen bucks and change. It was wise of us to get out when we did before Drunk Jason showed up and bought a cot in the back.

Worst Deal in the Land
The gas prices in just about every town we passed. What’s with this insanity? Oil can’t be this hard to get. We have the best scientists in the world and we can’t figure out a cheap alternative fuel source? This is a conspiracy just waiting to happen. You’re telling me that if the world suddenly dried out of oil that we wouldn’t have a suitable replacement. Dude, no joke, I bet they have an alternative fuel source, but since us schmucks keep paying up the ass for gas then that source is gonna stay sitting in a box next to the Holy Grail from that warehouse in Raiders.

Best Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
I didn’t put pants or shoes on for a week! I was rocking the comfort of gym shorts and flip flops 24/7. Aww yeah!

Worst Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
Did we mention that Texas sucks? As does Texas highway patrolmen? And the big ass rocks that litter Texas roads?

Best Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Tie between the hilarity of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and the coolness of the Criterion Collection audio commentary of the classic action flick The Rock. Bonus points for finally cementing the belief that Nic Cage is anything but a total tool. Shut UP, Nic Cage.

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Duece Bigalow just does not keep up. What was I thinking about, liking this movie? What was Sony thinking about, making a sequel to a one joke pony whose joke isn’t that funny to begin with?

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player, Part 2
The extras on the Chappelle’s Show season two DVD. Who would have though that the funniest show on television was so hit or miss? They must have the best editors in the business, because we turned that shit off after the fifteenth minute of Rick James cut scenes. The milk’s gone bad!

Best Trip-Saver
It goes with out saying, but if you’re gonna drive cross country and don’t have a portable DVD player, well then you’re just being dumb.

Best Trip-Saver, Part 2
The “no-punching” rule. A-Train is a bitch, this is a known fact. And truth be told, I ain’t the easiest person to be in enclosed spaces with. So a no hitting rule was probably the smartest decision we made all trip. It was definitely the only thing that saved us from descending into bitter savagery during the 23rd hour of our mind-bendingly long and extremely stupid 30 hour trek across the asspit of Texas.

Best Movie-going Experience… ever?
The random theater in that North Carolina mall was so sweet; great service, clean bathrooms, cheap tickets, and best of all… pure silence during the movie. God damn, now I remember why I used to like going to the movies. This is all just further evidence that everyone in LA sucks, because we have some of the finest theaters in the country, and yet maddeningly, have easily the absolute worst crowds in the WORLD. I mean, seriously, shut UP fuckers who talk during movies. At The Bridge! Where the tickets cost sixteen bucks! Go use up your cell phones minutes somewhere else! Ass.

State with the Hottest Girls
If there’s one thing we learned in our time on the road, it’s that we have one butt-ugly country. From the time we left Manhattan Beach, till the time we got to New Orleans, we did not see one pretty girl. Not one! Mikey from Swingers was right; LA is like some magical gene pool where the top two percent of hotness come to congregate. I may never leave the state again.

Scariest Moment of the Trip
It’s called driving over the wrong side of the tracks in Downtown San Antonio. Crazy people central. It was like something out of a Romero zombie-flick. Man alive, Texas blows.

Dumbest Drunk Jason Decision
This has already been covered by A-Train, but yeah, head butting the pole was a bad idea.

Smartest Drunk Jason Decision
Ha! Just making sure you’re paying attention. Drunk Jason is incapable of smart decisions. It’s his kryptonite. Like not being a bitch is A-Train’s kryptonite.

Best Moment of the Trip
This is gonna sound corny, but all of it was the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better cross country road trip experience, or a better traveling companion. I hate you A-Train, you know that, but I love you man. You’re my boy, Blue!

But next time… let’s skip Texas. What a shithole.

Bangarang, Road Trip!

August 25, 2005

Cross-Country Recap!

So, The Jay and I drove across the country a couple of weeks ago, and lo and behold, both of us are still alive to tell the sordid tale (but just barely). So, without much further ado, here's a brief recap of the events of the three and a half days and 3,000 miles:

Number of Overnight Stops: 2
That's right, a three and a half day trip, with only two overnight stops. You do the math. We left L.A. on Sunday afternoon and spent that night in Phoenix, AZ. The next day we got a nice, early start at 6:00 a.m. As we drove through Texas, we decided that we wanted to spend as little time there as possible, so we kept driving until we arrived in New Orleans, THIRTY HOURS LATER! Sure, we had some brief stops along the way, and even pulled over on the side of the road (ro-ads, rooods!) for a power-nap or two, but we drove from Phoenix to New Orleans all in one shot. 30 hours, about 1500 miles. Craziness.

Strip Clubs Attended: 4
Well, four if you count the live sex acts club that we briefly wandered into in New Orleans before realizing exactly how sketchy the place was and bolting out for more booze. We hit one club when we stopped for lunch in El Paso. We only stayed a little while, and the owner must have thought that he was incredibly smart by having the bartenders give change from drinks in two dollar bills. Yeah, that'll get us to tip more.

About 12 hours later, we needed a break from driving, so we set out to find a strip club in San Antonio. Our original plan was to find one right near the freeway, but we got impatient and drove all around the Alamo Dome looking for boobs. We left forty minutes later, having seen zero boobs. How sad. Approximately five minutes up the road, however, was a glorious sight. A tiity bar! We quickly pulled off the road and sat down in a seedy, BYOB titty bar just outside of downtown San Antonio. It was just what we needed. That is, until we got back in the car and realized that we both had that stripper smell on us. No glitter, but we both reeked of strippers.

Another 12 hours later and we were finally able to stop driving in New Orleans. We got some sleep, showered up, and hit The Big Easy with our friend Kim. We had some real food, drank some hurricanes, and set out for more boobies. We thought that we'd get a break off the cover for bringing the doorman at Hustler's Barely Legal some beignets, but he didn't feel the need to hook us up. Dick. Anyways, it was there that I spent probably the best single dollar that I've ever spent. It was a one dollar lap dance for our friend Kim. It was glorious. We briefly went across the street to the Live Sex Acts club, but while we love the titties, live sex acts are on another level altogether. We quickly departed.

The Jay is probably still pissed that we didn't stop in that Adult Cafe that was somewhere in southern North Carolina. But I'm convinced that it was probably just a clever name, and we weren't going to be enjoying titties and lattes.

Elementary School Age Hostesses: 1
When stopping in Atlanta for a bite to eat, we decided that Italian food was just the ticket. We drove around and around looking for a place to get some quality pasta, but all we found were strip clubs. Go figure. So, we finally find a place that looks good, but walking in we get the feeling that we're quite underdressed (I guess shorts and old t-shirts just don't scream class in some places in the country). So, we went up the road 100 yards and found a great little Italian joint called Nino's. If you're ever around Atlanta and just plain old need some good Italian food, I highly recommend it. Anyways, my buddy The Jay walks in to grab us a table, and is greeted by a nicely dressed girl who can't be older than 8. She politely greets us, asks whether we'd like to sit inside or out, seats us, tells us our waitress will be right with us, and tells us to enjoy our meal. It was amazing. By far one of the most professional hostesses I've ever encountered. And I've been to plenty of nice places. The food was excellent, and just what we needed to carry us through the last six or seven hours of driving.

Metal Poles Hit with Heads: 1
If you haven't encountered Drunk Jason, The Jay's partying alter ego, you're seriously missing out. We stopped by the Cafe du Monde in New Orleans right before going to the Strip Club (with The Jay bitching and moaning about how far it was the entire way). We grabbed some beignets (which were awesome), and were off to see some strippers. Just then, The Jay decided that the hanging curtain in front of the Cafe needed to be headbutted. Before we could stop him, he jumps up and headbuts the overhang, only to find that there's a metal pole weighing down the bottom of the curtain. You could totally hear the "clang" when he hit it. And for those that don't know, when your head fights a metal object, the metal object wins 100% of the time. It must have sucked for The Jay, but damn if it wasn't one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time.

Speeding Tickets Received: 1
Yeah, just another reason why Texas is now my least favorite state. 91 in a 75 isn't really all that fast. Especially when you're going down a big hill.

Gay Dance Clubs Danced In: 1
I'm not exactly sure why we ended up in there (hand grenades definitely kick your ass), but somehow we ended up in some gay dance club in New Orleans. I think Drunk Jason just really wanted to go dancing. It was good times. The music was decent, and the dance floor wasn't too crowded or anything. Not to mention how much fun it is to see your best friend dance up on every girl in the club and get walked away from by every girl in the club. I'm not sure if he realized it was a gay club when we went in or not, but it was damned funny. I enjoyed it immensely.

Anyways, that's a quick and dirty recap of the trip. It was fun, but damn was it exhausting. I'd recommend that everyone drive across the country once, but that's probably about all you really need. A special thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for giving us a place to crash and shower in AZ, our friend Kim for showing us around New Orleans, and all the strippers that dangled their goodies in our faces just to earn a dollar. G-d bless America.

Blog's to you,

A-Train

August 01, 2005

More DVDs!

The Jay, no excuses are necessary here my friend. You've hit upon the sweet spot my friend. DVDs are like kryptonite for my bank account. So, in what will most likely be my last west coast post for a while, let me add a few DVDs to your college must have list (consider it a must have for those that just love DVDs, like me).

The Big Lebowski
- For those nights where you just need to hit the bowling alley and down a few pitchers. Trust me, bowling is awesomely underrated. Everyone can do it, and it only gets better when you add alcohol. Just make sure it's not a Friday night. "Shomrei Shabbus!"

The Crow - This should be everyone's Halloween/Friday the 13th tradition. It's epic work that's good fun for everyone. Not to mention that this flick is one of the top ten quotable movies of all time. "It can't rain all the time."

The Goonies - Throwback adventure at its finest. In my opinion, there's just no time that's wrong for this movie. It's good to go any time. "Goonies never say die!"

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle - This movie is climbing the charts as a top notch nothing but fun film. It's for those nights where you're on a mission and there ain't nothing in the world that's gonna stop you. Throw in a stripper crazed Neil Patrick Harris and the good times just keep on rolling.

Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human - This is by far the funniest movie that you've never heard of. It's basically a mock documentary about what an alien might think of the dating process of humans. It chronicles a couple from meeting in a club to marriage and childbirth. Not to mention it features a naked Carmen Electra.

Predator - I don't know what it is about this movie, but everyone loves it. It's the one guy movie that girls seem to really like. Maybe it's because you get to see two governors fighting some creature in the jungle. "Get to the chopper!" For an alternative, Total Recall could almost do the trick. "Get your ass to Mars!"

I could go on forever, but this should do for now. More news is to come from the upcoming roadtrip. We've received absolutely no suggestions for what to do, but we're still looking for some. Maybe we'll even find a way to post some pictures from the trip. It's gonna be ugly, and I give a 50/50 chance that only one of us makes it to North Carolina alive. See you in Durham,

- A-Train

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