God Makes Celebrities Special. God and the E! Network.

THE JAY – 2:34 a.m.

You know, in a fair and just world there would be no celebrity. Of course in a fair and just world there would be no Reese Witherspoon. But until we get to that world, we're gonna have to find a way to thrive in this celeb-infested place we call Bush's playground of pain and political ineptitude (that one's for you anonymous comment poster turning this blog into an unnecessary political platform. What blog do you think you're on? Go HERE if you're that itchy about it).

Anyway... to be honest, I kinda like having celebrities. We mere civilians get famous people to make fun of. And oh, the fun they make!

I can't endear myself to a celebrity until they've done something phenomenally stupid. Until they have a full on public fiasco, to me, they're just another actor trying to put their boobs on the screens of internet geeks (more on this later...). Thus, I love the Paris's and the Lindsay's and the Shannon’s and all the other psychotic girls and ginormous jerk guys that populate the pages of Us, In Touch and People. So as far as the bigger celebrity fuck up is concerned, well... we're merely talking about which girl I like more now. Answers forthcoming...

1. Ashlee Simpson
This is not a fuck up. I mean, really. Everybody lip-synchs. We all know this. She's just the first in some time to be blatant about it. It didn't help matters that she is supremely unprofessional, a beyond shoddy dancer and, well... fugly. The fuck up wasn't the non-singing, or the walking off the stage; it was blaming her drummer for putting on the wrong track. Like it's his fault she can't sing? It's his fault she has little to no talent? We all knew this about her. We all saw her Mtv show where she couldn't hit the notes in the studio. This incident was a long time coming. The sad part is that she didn't just woman up and admit the fault. Had she done that, I could have respected her. Now I'm forced to mock her incessantly on my personal blog. Woot.

2. Tara Reid
How can you call this wonderful moment of frankenboobage display a "fuck up"? How, when I get so much joy out of it? When my friends can laugh together, whilst staring at the bombed out vapidity of the one time Mrs. Big Lebowski. No, this is good. This is fantastically good. It may not help her having boobs so disastrously scarred, but it will help her to land another Maxim cover. And in the end, that's what really drives her career. I bet that is we asked her what she'd rather have, a lead in a new big budget film, or the next cover of Maxim, she'd bring her own airbrush.

The thing is, her fuck up was so wildly in character that I can hardly call it a fuck up at all. She's trash. And whipping your boob out and not even knowing it is a trashy trashy thing to do. I can't hate on a girl for being who she is. Hence why I'm not commenting on the new Britney Federline era.

When weighing both incidents, I gotta come down on the side of Simpson as the bigger celebrity fuckup, solely due to her being such a douche about it. Tara just brushes it off like it's another day on the red carpet. But Ashlee had the audacity to fire the drummer who was helping her cheat the public and then offer a slew of excuses to calm the fire of SNL-gate. Gosh, at least with Tara Reid I get to look at boobs. With Ashlee Simpson, I'm still actually listening to Ashlee Simpson. This was no contest.

Bangarang, Terrrible Boob Job!