For Love of the T&A

THE JAY - 5:24 p.m.

You know what? I’m not gonna talk about the best and worst tit-ays in Hollywood. Cause there are just too many to name. So many great ones on great beauties that I have had the pleasure to enjoy on DVD, in a locked room. Let's go back further. Go beyond...

I wanna celebrate the women who have embraced gratuitous T & A. The ones who have given us the opportunity to have debates like this. The ones who have sacrificed their bodies on the alter of boyish entertainment. The ones who make it easier to sit through horrendous movies (Hello, Halle Berry). The ones who are the sole reason to sit through said crappy movies. The ones who have my undying support; for am I also someone who sacrifices my body to my art. In short, the boobs that I respect. And the women they belong to.

Kate Holmes - The Gift
Who knew? That's what it boils down to. Nobody had any idea this was coming. I remember the first time I heard the rumor. I didn't even know this movie existed. Which is rare, if you know me. But I heard a rumor she got nekkid. My boys and I drove for an hour to see a midnight screening, just to be sure the rumor wasn't wrong. It wasn't. And the dream of a thousand geeks was fulfilled. Glorious!

She may never have a career, post-Dawson's Creek. Doesn't matter. She will forever be loved by fanboys, revered by older men, and beloved by the male cinematic community. She is the queen of young Hollywood T&A. Way to go, Joey!

Rene Russo - The Thomas Crown Affair
Making MILFS a trend we could all get behind. Gotta respect the older woman with the hot body, willing to bare it all. And in multiple scenes! I've loved her on screen for years, but damn if she didn't get my respect with her scene on the beach.

Diane Lane - Unfaithful
See above. I mean, DAMN!

Angelina Jolie - All of her films
There's just something comforting in knowing that going to an Angelina movie means seeing her naked. No matter the quality of the film or the need for nudity, Ms. Jolie just likes to get nene. And I love her for it. I could draw her tits from memory. Doesn't matter. She drops trou more than any actress in Hollywood. And there's a reason she is a gigantic movie star despite not ever having a successful film on her back. And no, Tomb Raider does not count.

Charlize Theron - All of her films
See above. Sensing a pattern here.?

Halle Berry - Swordfish
Before Catwoman. Before Billy Bob. There was Swordfish. The one that changed everything. A mess of a movie, with two many endings, where none of them are any good. Smack in the middle of the flick, for no other reason that money, Storm flashed Wolverine. And it was good. For anyone that sat through Boomerang or Bulworth or The Flintstones or the frustrating Last Boy Scout, Swordfish was truly the light at the end of the tunnel. I literally hate that movie. Except for the twenty glorious seconds where Halle Berry gave in, and presented the world with a beautiful gift: her T's.

Let me also make a point that the last three ladies on the list all have Academy Awards. Warrants mentioning...

Patricia Arquette - Lost Highway
For no other reason than those are Alabama freakin’ Worley's kazammers! Hot dog! ... also, Dick Laurent is dead. Indeed. (By the way, if you didn't get that last reference, don't worry. I didn't either.)

Phoebe Cates - Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Childhood is over the moment you see Phoebe come out of that pool. Words can't express the joy and wonder of that scene. She disappeared off the face of the Earth, and though she is gone, she will never be forgotten. The red string bikini lives on.

The list could go on and on, but for my money those are my favorites. And those women are the ones that made the most indelible impression on me as a man. Thank you to all the actresses on the list, and those who are in my picture file. Parts of my anatomy truly salute you.

Bangarang A-Train!

Who likes the sluts? We like the sluts!

THE JAY - 3:59 a.m.

Dude, I never said celebrities are hurt by plastic surgery reports. Seriously. Every actress in Hollywood has had some work done. Not a one can denounce that. Hell, the hubbub over Lohan's wammos are getting her even more pub anyway, if I were her I wouldn't even squash the rumors. Let 'em play out a bit longer. They'll go away on their own, anyway. Since when has the media talked about Britney's ta-tas? It's been like forever in a day, cause we all know they're real. At this point, who cares, right?

And of course no one bought Britney as a virgin. Hell. she was living with Justin at one point. I mean really. What I dig about the Spears Persona is that she gets away with wearing the most revealingly slutty clothes, but isn't branded a slut. Yet Christina is the whore bag of the music world cause she pulls out the skimpies for each video. What has the Aguilera done to deserve such bad press? She ain’t ever had a fake Vegas wedding, she ain’t ever stolen someone's baby daddy, hell, I never even see her in the tabloids. Yet she's the slut and Britney's the innocent one. Outrageous.

But if we're talking about getting under the knife, let's talk about the bad run-ins. I mean have you seen Nicole Kidman's eyebrows? You couldn't pay her to move her forehead. Cause it ain't possible. Hello, botox! Table for two! Then there's Brittany Murphy's crack makeover, Julia's new lips, Angelina's redesigned bumble bees, and worst of all, Tara Reid's newly yeasted flap jacks. I just... you know... just when I was starting to like her again... with the boob job? Just killing all her Scrubs cred!

What's wrong with liking the body you got. It got you where you are to begin with, right? What's the need to shrink wrap, sterilize and sculpt it. Case in point, what red blooded man would choose the super thin, super tan, super leathery 2004 Jennifer Aniston over the first season of Friends, O.G. nose, baby fat, unbelievably hot Rachel Green?

Yeah, argument's over. Point to The Jay.

Lohans, Albas and More Celebrity Boob Names...

THE JAY - 12:53 p.m.

Alright, if we're gonna do this, let's do it straight. Finding Forrester is not a Matt Damon movie. A five minute bit part/ cameo does not a star vehicle make. Hell, he cameos in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but that don't make the shit a Damon flick, either. I can't award that movie to him. Besides, it ain't that good to being with. It’s a cheap Good Will Hunting rip-off whose only saving grace is the novelty of seeing Indy's Dad talk like a black man.

Anyway, yeah, pay me enough money and I'd do just about anything aside from Helen Hunt. Bong! (Girlfriend's got a ginormous forehead!) The thing is... he's a professional actor trying to craft a career. Working to keep his name above the lights and posters. You gotta pick and choose your parts. He seems to do it better that others, i.e. his butt buddy Affleck, but all the same, you read a script, you see the cast, you judge in advance and save yourself the trouble. This fact alone is what separates the wannabes from the stars. The stars know their limits and pick accordingly. Which is why you never see the Cruiser playing a AIDS victim in a daring, cutting edge indie. And why you don't see Kate Hudson in anything where she's not burning a hole in the ozone with her megawatt veneers. It's also why when the stars appear in movies that fit their mold, the flick is always huge. Look at the Julia. She wallows in artsy dramas and ill advised romantic dramas for most of the mid 90's and nobody could give a shit. Then, BAM, out comes My Best Friend's Wedding, and suddenly it's all JULIA'S BACK!!! Never mind the fact that the movie is a gaping hole of ass.

ANYWAY... Talking about celebrity ass hounding/spoiling, you gotta start from the other side. Start with Damon's last ex, Winona Ryder. She's banged half of Hollywood. And the other half is on a waiting list. We're talking about Johnny Depp, Damon, The Counting Crow guy, Beck, Slater, Bob Eucker. Just kidding on the last one.

Or hell, back to the Julia, who boned Kiefer, Jason Patric, Ben Bratt, Lyle Lovett, Chandler Bing, Liam Neeson, Daniel Day-Lewis

On the men's side, this conversation starts and ends with Mark Whalberg, for the sole reason that he is currently swallowing Jessica Alba. The Alba! Damn you Marky Mark.

Also, let's not forget Colin Farrell, who was recently spotted humping the leg of my left hand's new best friend, one Lindsay "Boobs McChesty" Lohan.

So the question to you is: Who's the sluttiest actress in Hollywood. I'm not talking amount of time spent on her knees, cause Paris would win that shit. I'm talking the girl who just comes off like a two dollar whore. And Tara Reid doesn't count, cause this contest is f'ing named after her. We'll call it the Tara Reid Race to a Blowjob Award.

Oh, what a lovely tea party...

This is how we do it on the Blog, bitch!

THE JAY - 3:20 a.m.

A-Train,
So here's how we're doing this thing. If a question gets asked, it must be answered. Tangent all you want, but the post doesn't end with the question left undone. So if I ask whether or not Matt Damon should be killed for the atrocity that was The Legend of Bagger Vance, or spared for the coolness of Bourne Identity, you gotta tell me if the pig boy lives or dies. Got it? Good. Moving on...

Next, there are no rules, nothing off limit and trash talk isn't just allowed, it's encouraged. And you better do it, too, cause I'm gonna goddamn rail on your pasty ass.

Third and final bit of business... at no time are we to discuss Mischa Barton and the vacuum she creates on what is the second greatest show on television. It's bad enough she's takes screen time away from the one and only Rachel Bilson. Anything else? No? Bueller? Good.

So let's get to it...

The first one is to you. Snoogans.

Love, The Jay