Lohans, Albas and More Celebrity Boob Names...

THE JAY - 12:53 p.m.

Alright, if we're gonna do this, let's do it straight. Finding Forrester is not a Matt Damon movie. A five minute bit part/ cameo does not a star vehicle make. Hell, he cameos in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but that don't make the shit a Damon flick, either. I can't award that movie to him. Besides, it ain't that good to being with. It’s a cheap Good Will Hunting rip-off whose only saving grace is the novelty of seeing Indy's Dad talk like a black man.

Anyway, yeah, pay me enough money and I'd do just about anything aside from Helen Hunt. Bong! (Girlfriend's got a ginormous forehead!) The thing is... he's a professional actor trying to craft a career. Working to keep his name above the lights and posters. You gotta pick and choose your parts. He seems to do it better that others, i.e. his butt buddy Affleck, but all the same, you read a script, you see the cast, you judge in advance and save yourself the trouble. This fact alone is what separates the wannabes from the stars. The stars know their limits and pick accordingly. Which is why you never see the Cruiser playing a AIDS victim in a daring, cutting edge indie. And why you don't see Kate Hudson in anything where she's not burning a hole in the ozone with her megawatt veneers. It's also why when the stars appear in movies that fit their mold, the flick is always huge. Look at the Julia. She wallows in artsy dramas and ill advised romantic dramas for most of the mid 90's and nobody could give a shit. Then, BAM, out comes My Best Friend's Wedding, and suddenly it's all JULIA'S BACK!!! Never mind the fact that the movie is a gaping hole of ass.

ANYWAY... Talking about celebrity ass hounding/spoiling, you gotta start from the other side. Start with Damon's last ex, Winona Ryder. She's banged half of Hollywood. And the other half is on a waiting list. We're talking about Johnny Depp, Damon, The Counting Crow guy, Beck, Slater, Bob Eucker. Just kidding on the last one.

Or hell, back to the Julia, who boned Kiefer, Jason Patric, Ben Bratt, Lyle Lovett, Chandler Bing, Liam Neeson, Daniel Day-Lewis

On the men's side, this conversation starts and ends with Mark Whalberg, for the sole reason that he is currently swallowing Jessica Alba. The Alba! Damn you Marky Mark.

Also, let's not forget Colin Farrell, who was recently spotted humping the leg of my left hand's new best friend, one Lindsay "Boobs McChesty" Lohan.

So the question to you is: Who's the sluttiest actress in Hollywood. I'm not talking amount of time spent on her knees, cause Paris would win that shit. I'm talking the girl who just comes off like a two dollar whore. And Tara Reid doesn't count, cause this contest is f'ing named after her. We'll call it the Tara Reid Race to a Blowjob Award.

Oh, what a lovely tea party...