Nobody Knows Anything, Especially Halle Berry!

THE JAY – 2:38 a.m.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are some important things I've learned since coming up to the pros:

- If you have a friend who is in a bad relationship, there is no need to let that person know. Trust me, they know. Who wants to admit that they're on a losing team? Nobody, and the critics don't help, because if the good player on the team moves on to a better organization and they go deep into the playoffs, the critic’s gonna end up with his foot wedged firmly in his mouth.

- If you have a friend who's significant other everybody hates, this doesn't necessarily make the relationship a bad idea. I used to think that if all your friends hate your significant other, then you should take a moment to reflect on the fact that everybody who cares about you thinks you've chosen poorly. But I learned recently that the flipside to that coin is just as valid. It's very possible that they are with this bad person for a reason. I don't hang out with stupid people. So why would I presume to think they've made a stupid decision? Things aren't always as they seem. So button your talk hole. After all, if things are as they seem, then see above.

- At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what she looks like, the clothes she wears, the car she drives, her manners, her hygiene, her laughter, her sense of humor, her promiscuity; all that matters is that she takes the time to compliment your Wang as much as reasonably possible. Can we really ask for anything more as men? I thought not.

- Finally, there is long lasting loyalty in sports, I just forgot what form it takes. So many baseball players get traded from their prime franchise. The franchise they are so intensely associated with. No-Mah is a prime example. But I forgot this one fact: if a player is inducted into the hall of fame, he can decide which hat to wear on his bronze bust. So when Clemens gets in first ballot, he's gonna have four teams to choose from. And that's when we'll know who he truly cares about. Relationships are the same way. When the time comes, how you really feel about the girls or guys in your past, the winner will emerge. Whether or not this is "the one", is not my place to say. But it says a lot about how you live your life, and how you suffer the consequences of your actions.

Alright, let's get down to business...

So I saw Catwoman. Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not proud of it. And to answer your question, yes it's a big ball of ass. Let's move on to the point. The movie got me wondering about how this industry chooses its product. Obviously nobody knows anything, or we wouldn't have so much crap reaped upon us. Or Josh Hartnett. But when a movie star with clout and heft chooses to do a particular movie it says something about the quality of the project. I'll give you that occasionally actors take jobs for money, which is why we get shite like Daddy Day Care. That's fair, actors gotta eat, too. But you read the script, right? You must know its bad, right?

I just don't understand why there aren't more good movies coming out of the studios. They have all the money in the world, the best people in each position, and still its crap. If you're Halle Berry how are you okaying the Catwoman costume? How are you okaying the casting of Sharon Stone as your villain? How are you not bringing in better writers to fix the shitty script? You've been in good movies before; you know what they read like.

How is it possible that a movie like this gets released as is? The dailies come in every day, the script pages keep getting approved. It's not as if a corporation as large as AOL Time Warner just forgot to check up on the quality of their $100 Million Dollar investment. It's a mystery, really. Because this will go on until film is no more. If I knew the answer I would be a lot more successful. Buckets of “yes man” can't be responsible for this. Bad judgment and lack of foresight can't be entirely blamed, either. Just mind boggling. We really need to dig into this phenomenon.

And it's the same way in most industries; sports and sex aren't excused. How do the Lakers sleep at night, giving their 5 slot to Vlade the Flop? How do the Suns justify giving sixty plus million to an aging, slow Canadian who won't be able to give them more than 25 minutes a game? In another league, how does Nick Carter really think it's a good idea to date Paris Hilton? He's seen the porno, right? And you're honestly telling me that Britney is right in the head, marrying some bum background dancer with two kids and no savings account? Who's to blame for all this stupidity? They ain't blinded by love. Kevin Federline isn't even a third rate Justin Timberlake. Britney must know this.

I'm so hornswoggled by some of the head-scratchingly stupid things that make headlines in this country. It would seem to me that the entertainment industry is made up mostly of people trying to protect the image of their product, whatever the product may be. So when you put high quality actors with a visionary director and a talented writer, how is it that we get The Punisher more often than we get Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or Before Sunset?

Maybe in the end it's just like anything else. Sports, relationships, movies, TV shows, etc. You put a group of people in a room, lock it, leave them there for a while, take a deep breath and hope something good walks out the door. If it does, your only job is not to fuck it up too badly; if nothing good comes out then send it straight to cable, or to the minors, or to the curb. No one wants to be saddled with a project or a partner that they resent. Resentment is the death knell for creativity. But whatever you do, heed this advice: if the geeks say your product sucks, then it sucks. Period. Don’t even try to argue with them, because you can’t win. They can smell a rat, or a Batman and Robin, a mile away. Either go big or go home. But never, under any circumstances, go with Josh Hartnett. Thus endeth the lesson. Blog’s dismissed.

Bangarang, Selina Kyle!