Sex and Sports: The Ultimate Convergence

THE JAY – 5:47 p.m.

You know what I love about sports? The complete lack of loyalty. Gone are the days when an athlete would spend his entire career with one team. These days, anyone with a pound of cash and a through line to good blow can sign a marquee star. Hell, contracts don't even seem to matter anymore. Nothing is sacred. You can be traded, signed, waived, DL'ed, sent down to the minors, extended, suspended, fined and released, all with no apparent rules or guidelines. And with most of the major sports adopting some version of a Collective Bargaining Agreement, for the first time ever, athletes have a pay scale relative to their performance, longevity, experience and success. For example, not every NBA team can sign Shaq because he's been in the league for too long and paid too much. He is owed a cap number higher than most big and small market teams can afford. In laymen's terms, he's had such a high level of success that he's basically priced himself out of the league.

Most would agree that this new pay scale is a good thing. As long as you put in the time and effort, your industry is required to compensate you an equivalent sum. Fantastic idea! Now, here's the thing... what if we moved this business mold into the world of dating?

I'm talking about a Collective Dating Agreement. Here's how it could work: when a guy or girl enters the dating world they are a rookie. They may even have a great scouting report; some quality high school relationships, above average car/ clothes/ hair. He may even have some money. Irregardless, he's only owed rookie wages, which means bad dates, skanky hook-ups, suspect bumps and rashes, and the occasional great significant other or amazing sexual experience. So the rookie does well, shows some promise, and after a couple of relationships, its time to sign a mid sized, multi year contract. It's time for the first serious relationship...

Both sides of the deal hope for the best; sign up for a three year deal, worth an undisclosed amount of head, free movies, vacations and other intangibles. And the deal is signed and approved by the Commissioner. Couple years go by and the relationship was a success. Turns out our rookie is beginning to show All-Star abilities. Great cross-over dribble and a wicked date dunk. It's all going well, until... injuries. Or, in this case, a drunken hook-up with a random. The relationship begins to sour. She refuses to offer him an extension. It's time for our rookie to opt out of the contract and test the free agent waters.

The season is over, the contract expires, and our man plays the field. Several “teams” court him, offer him deals, and he holds out for the best one. After all, he's been mad good in the past, he's due a max out deal. The big one. The career maker. And he finds it. A solid team; great curves, awesome "stadium", fantastic personality, beautiful ownership. The entire package. He gets his deal and settles down with the team and contract of his dreams.

Now, tell me that that doesn't sound eerily similar to the standard dating ritual most of us go through. Here's my question, why can’t we adopt the philosophy for real? I meet a girl, think it might be a good fit, and sign a contract. Six months, two dates a week, with the option of a second six months. This way, if it doesn't work out, I can just opt out of the relationship and its no hard feelings. Just pure business.

All I'm saying is that if athletes can leave teams for the highest bidder and everyone excuses it for good business, why can't we as daters, do the same thing? I'm tired of ex-baggage. I'm tired of post-relationship phone calls and hook-ups. I'm tired of being forced into deals I don't like, that violate my terms, then getting blamed when the thing flames out. It's time for the era of dater loyalty. Only loyal to the one who can give you the best deal for the right time. It's time to work this theory out.

Now who would be the Commissioner? Hmmm...

Bangarang, Free Agents!