Don't Bash The Management! Even if she sucked...

THE JAY – 2:17 a.m.
 
The thing is... athletes put all their efforts into their game.  The transcendent ones can take their sport to a higher plane; they can make it into an artform.  Can we really call Michael Jordan a basketball player, the same way we call the token white guy on the bench of the Bucks, one?  It's the same way for relationships.  The romantics, myself included, put all we have into the other person.  Into the partnership.  Into the team.  The guy in it just for sex, or the girl in it just for the car or cable, has to be docked some form of penalty points.  They couldn’t care less how the relationship works.  They’re in it for the money, sex and drugs.  They don’t care who the other person is, as long as someone is cutting the check.  It's why I think sex and sports run so parallel.  For some it's a central pre-occupation, for others a mere hobby.  But we all like to play, and we all aspire to be better, whatever the game may be.  

My theory does have flaws.  Like you said, a player wanting to move to a championship team, but the current team wants to keep him.  Well, in any relationship, one person likes the other more.  That's just how it is.  What saddens me about sports is that players get traded to other teams and leave little trace of their previous existence.  Aside from certain circumstances, your average player gets traded and the only remnant is a vintage jersey on eBay.  But maybe that's the way relationships are.  There are girls in my past that have barely left a mark.  No pictures, or movie stubs, or the like.   Only memories, like faded SportsCenter highlights.  Then other girls still hold tangible places in my heart, the same way Karl Malone will always be remembered in Utah, or Joe Montana in San Francisco.  Girls who have boxes with their names on them in my closet.
 
On a related note, I gotta comment on the Lakers for a minute.  In the grand scheme of things, the Lakers just made a decision of biblically bad proportions.  Akin to Billy Bob letting Angelina go, or Heath Ledger breaking up with Naomi Watts to hang with Jen from Dawson's Creek.  You just don't let Shaq go.  And you don't choose a moody, depressive, ego-maniac, loner and possible rapist, to lead your team.  It's like choosing to break up with a Supermodel to date that manic Goth chick with the big tits and loose attitude towards sex.  It's just a bad decision.
 
Let me provide an allegory.  I went through a similar quandary back in my high school days.  I was dating this fantastic girl who made me laugh, was a great kisser, and best of all, was not dangerous.   Then this other girl comes along.  We'll call her Heather.  And she's all over me, giving me the mad moves.  She's dunking on the opposition.  I start looking her way.  And now I gotta choose.  On one hand, I have this great girl who will only make me better, and on the other hand, I got a girl with a potentially higher upside, puts out more, but is way out of control.  Guess who I chose?  And guess who subsequently cheated on me a week later?  And guess who I pined over for the next year?  To take a page from the Sports Guy, the lesson as always, I'm an idiot.
 
Shaq will take over the Eastern Conference.  Kobe won't pull the Lakers higher than the eighth seed.  Kobe will tear his team apart.   And Shaq will spend the next five years making Dwayne Wade the best player in the League.  You just don't give up the best player your league has seen since MJ.  You just don't.  The Lakers are gonna pine for Shaq, mark my words.  Before I get back on track, let me throw a shout out to Christina Price.  I'm sorry kid, you were the one and I didn't know it. 
 
Anyway...
 
I can't possibly comment on all the issues you brought up, BUT, I'll try to hit a few of the more important ones.  I was looking at my theory from a male point of view, but the girl side takes things in a whole other direction.  What rates them higher as a rookie, the boob size, the look of the backside, the sexual promiscuity or the personal hygiene?  I imagine the female rookie rates higher than the man, one on one.  A nice car doesn't really outrank a beautiful C-cup, does it?  The tatas will always get picked first, except in rare instances.  Like a young Hollywood actor, or a real life Zach Morris.
 
As far as the player wanting to move on, well that gets answered in an abstract way.  Relationships teach people to be better at relationships.  The next one, in theory, is always supposed to be a better performance, because you've learned from past mistakes.  A player wanting to sign with a championship team when the present team is still working, well... you gotta know when to move on.  When you know your team just isn't gonna win, you gotta bounce.  Hence Jon Gruden leaves the Raiders, only to win the next year with the Bucs; or Dylan choosing Kelly over Brenda.
 
The vouching problem is easy.  It all relates to the old maxim: everything ends badly, or else it wouldn't end.  If you tear a girl up, she won't be giving her friends a good review.  But if you treat the break-up with the respect the relationship deserves, that honors the time you spent together, then your new team will get a great recommendation from your past employers.  In the end, just don’t bash the management, no matter how badly they hurt you, or gypped you on your contract.
 
It's sex and sports, and it all relates.  Someone is always getting hurt.  Someone is always looking to better their position, and cash in for the highest value.  Putting together a winning team is always a combination of chemistry, physicality, brains and heart.  Any three will make for a good relationship; any two is a recipe for great sex. But if you get all four, you may find yourself on a classic club; one that stands the test of time.  The 96 Yankees, the 86 Mets, the 78 Steelers, myself and my last girlfriend.  It's all relative.  Just make sure to play safe. 
 
It's all fun and games till someone gets a ball in their eyes.
 
Bangarang, Heather Maez!

Sex and Sports: The Ultimate Convergence

THE JAY – 5:47 p.m.

You know what I love about sports? The complete lack of loyalty. Gone are the days when an athlete would spend his entire career with one team. These days, anyone with a pound of cash and a through line to good blow can sign a marquee star. Hell, contracts don't even seem to matter anymore. Nothing is sacred. You can be traded, signed, waived, DL'ed, sent down to the minors, extended, suspended, fined and released, all with no apparent rules or guidelines. And with most of the major sports adopting some version of a Collective Bargaining Agreement, for the first time ever, athletes have a pay scale relative to their performance, longevity, experience and success. For example, not every NBA team can sign Shaq because he's been in the league for too long and paid too much. He is owed a cap number higher than most big and small market teams can afford. In laymen's terms, he's had such a high level of success that he's basically priced himself out of the league.

Most would agree that this new pay scale is a good thing. As long as you put in the time and effort, your industry is required to compensate you an equivalent sum. Fantastic idea! Now, here's the thing... what if we moved this business mold into the world of dating?

I'm talking about a Collective Dating Agreement. Here's how it could work: when a guy or girl enters the dating world they are a rookie. They may even have a great scouting report; some quality high school relationships, above average car/ clothes/ hair. He may even have some money. Irregardless, he's only owed rookie wages, which means bad dates, skanky hook-ups, suspect bumps and rashes, and the occasional great significant other or amazing sexual experience. So the rookie does well, shows some promise, and after a couple of relationships, its time to sign a mid sized, multi year contract. It's time for the first serious relationship...

Both sides of the deal hope for the best; sign up for a three year deal, worth an undisclosed amount of head, free movies, vacations and other intangibles. And the deal is signed and approved by the Commissioner. Couple years go by and the relationship was a success. Turns out our rookie is beginning to show All-Star abilities. Great cross-over dribble and a wicked date dunk. It's all going well, until... injuries. Or, in this case, a drunken hook-up with a random. The relationship begins to sour. She refuses to offer him an extension. It's time for our rookie to opt out of the contract and test the free agent waters.

The season is over, the contract expires, and our man plays the field. Several “teams” court him, offer him deals, and he holds out for the best one. After all, he's been mad good in the past, he's due a max out deal. The big one. The career maker. And he finds it. A solid team; great curves, awesome "stadium", fantastic personality, beautiful ownership. The entire package. He gets his deal and settles down with the team and contract of his dreams.

Now, tell me that that doesn't sound eerily similar to the standard dating ritual most of us go through. Here's my question, why can’t we adopt the philosophy for real? I meet a girl, think it might be a good fit, and sign a contract. Six months, two dates a week, with the option of a second six months. This way, if it doesn't work out, I can just opt out of the relationship and its no hard feelings. Just pure business.

All I'm saying is that if athletes can leave teams for the highest bidder and everyone excuses it for good business, why can't we as daters, do the same thing? I'm tired of ex-baggage. I'm tired of post-relationship phone calls and hook-ups. I'm tired of being forced into deals I don't like, that violate my terms, then getting blamed when the thing flames out. It's time for the era of dater loyalty. Only loyal to the one who can give you the best deal for the right time. It's time to work this theory out.

Now who would be the Commissioner? Hmmm...

Bangarang, Free Agents!