A-Train vs. The Jay

The Jay Has A New Home!

2005-09-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Just to keep our four regular visitors informed, I have a new website!

www.TheJay.com

It's funny, its free, and there's a bunch of cool photos of screwed up celebrities looking stupid. Can't go wrong with that!

Bangarang, TheJay.com!

A-Train and The Jay Do America!

2005-08-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 3:17 p.m.

Fine recap, my heterosexual traveling companion! Since you handled the bare facts, I’ll take the creative stuff. With so many sights and sounds, eats and beats, and generally just a large assortment of choices available to two scruffy looking Cali-born nerf herders hitting the highway, it’s a moral imperative that we break the trip down to its barest essentials. Namely, the best and the worst of all that we encountered on our infamous trip to the East. Enjoy.

Best Meal
This is a tough one, as we hit New Orleans, Atlanta, NC and Texas, all known for quality grub. But for my money, New Orleans beats the bunch. The dinner we had at that hole on Bourbon St included: red beans and rice, ribs, gumbo, crawfish etouffe, jambalaya, and something fine eats I can’t remember. You can’t beat that.

Worst Meal
Well the IHOP in Austin at four in the morning was pretty crappy. We mostly did ok on the food beat.

Easiest Part of the Drive
The patch of land from Atlanta to North Carolina was absolute cake. The homestretch is always the most satisfying.

Hardest Part of the Drive
That disgusting piece of land known as Texas. At no point did we enjoy the time we drove in that wretched state. We should have let that shit go to Mexico.

Best Road Trip Munchie
Red Swedish Fish, may they hail for eternity as the last saving grace of gummy candy. Chocodiles also kick a little ass. Just, you know, by the by…

Worst Road Trip Munchie
Psych! There’s no such thing… road trip munchie’s rule!

Coolest Weather Related Moment
The lightning storms in New Mexico. There’s nothing cooler than lightning on the prairie for two kids who never get to see lightning. Or prairie’s.

Crappiest Weather Related Moment
The ungodly rains of the Southeast. I’m super-glad we missed Katrina, but damn if she didn’t signal her arrival with the intense rain we hit driving through Texas and Alabama.

Best Deal in the Land
The drink prices at the not-so-crummy sports bar in ghetto-ass El Paso. Two dollars for a rum and coke… with tip! We could have gotten bombed for fourteen bucks and change. It was wise of us to get out when we did before Drunk Jason showed up and bought a cot in the back.

Worst Deal in the Land
The gas prices in just about every town we passed. What’s with this insanity? Oil can’t be this hard to get. We have the best scientists in the world and we can’t figure out a cheap alternative fuel source? This is a conspiracy just waiting to happen. You’re telling me that if the world suddenly dried out of oil that we wouldn’t have a suitable replacement. Dude, no joke, I bet they have an alternative fuel source, but since us schmucks keep paying up the ass for gas then that source is gonna stay sitting in a box next to the Holy Grail from that warehouse in Raiders.

Best Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
I didn’t put pants or shoes on for a week! I was rocking the comfort of gym shorts and flip flops 24/7. Aww yeah!

Worst Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
Did we mention that Texas sucks? As does Texas highway patrolmen? And the big ass rocks that litter Texas roads?

Best Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Tie between the hilarity of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and the coolness of the Criterion Collection audio commentary of the classic action flick The Rock. Bonus points for finally cementing the belief that Nic Cage is anything but a total tool. Shut UP, Nic Cage.

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Duece Bigalow just does not keep up. What was I thinking about, liking this movie? What was Sony thinking about, making a sequel to a one joke pony whose joke isn’t that funny to begin with?

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player, Part 2
The extras on the Chappelle’s Show season two DVD. Who would have though that the funniest show on television was so hit or miss? They must have the best editors in the business, because we turned that shit off after the fifteenth minute of Rick James cut scenes. The milk’s gone bad!

Best Trip-Saver
It goes with out saying, but if you’re gonna drive cross country and don’t have a portable DVD player, well then you’re just being dumb.

Best Trip-Saver, Part 2
The “no-punching” rule. A-Train is a bitch, this is a known fact. And truth be told, I ain’t the easiest person to be in enclosed spaces with. So a no hitting rule was probably the smartest decision we made all trip. It was definitely the only thing that saved us from descending into bitter savagery during the 23rd hour of our mind-bendingly long and extremely stupid 30 hour trek across the asspit of Texas.

Best Movie-going Experience… ever?
The random theater in that North Carolina mall was so sweet; great service, clean bathrooms, cheap tickets, and best of all… pure silence during the movie. God damn, now I remember why I used to like going to the movies. This is all just further evidence that everyone in LA sucks, because we have some of the finest theaters in the country, and yet maddeningly, have easily the absolute worst crowds in the WORLD. I mean, seriously, shut UP fuckers who talk during movies. At The Bridge! Where the tickets cost sixteen bucks! Go use up your cell phones minutes somewhere else! Ass.

State with the Hottest Girls
If there’s one thing we learned in our time on the road, it’s that we have one butt-ugly country. From the time we left Manhattan Beach, till the time we got to New Orleans, we did not see one pretty girl. Not one! Mikey from Swingers was right; LA is like some magical gene pool where the top two percent of hotness come to congregate. I may never leave the state again.

Scariest Moment of the Trip
It’s called driving over the wrong side of the tracks in Downtown San Antonio. Crazy people central. It was like something out of a Romero zombie-flick. Man alive, Texas blows.

Dumbest Drunk Jason Decision
This has already been covered by A-Train, but yeah, head butting the pole was a bad idea.

Smartest Drunk Jason Decision
Ha! Just making sure you’re paying attention. Drunk Jason is incapable of smart decisions. It’s his kryptonite. Like not being a bitch is A-Train’s kryptonite.

Best Moment of the Trip
This is gonna sound corny, but all of it was the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better cross country road trip experience, or a better traveling companion. I hate you A-Train, you know that, but I love you man. You’re my boy, Blue!

But next time… let’s skip Texas. What a shithole.

Bangarang, Road Trip!

Cross-Country Recap!

2005-08-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, The Jay and I drove across the country a couple of weeks ago, and lo and behold, both of us are still alive to tell the sordid tale (but just barely). So, without much further ado, here's a brief recap of the events of the three and a half days and 3,000 miles:

Number of Overnight Stops: 2
That's right, a three and a half day trip, with only two overnight stops. You do the math. We left L.A. on Sunday afternoon and spent that night in Phoenix, AZ. The next day we got a nice, early start at 6:00 a.m. As we drove through Texas, we decided that we wanted to spend as little time there as possible, so we kept driving until we arrived in New Orleans, THIRTY HOURS LATER! Sure, we had some brief stops along the way, and even pulled over on the side of the road (ro-ads, rooods!) for a power-nap or two, but we drove from Phoenix to New Orleans all in one shot. 30 hours, about 1500 miles. Craziness.

Strip Clubs Attended: 4
Well, four if you count the live sex acts club that we briefly wandered into in New Orleans before realizing exactly how sketchy the place was and bolting out for more booze. We hit one club when we stopped for lunch in El Paso. We only stayed a little while, and the owner must have thought that he was incredibly smart by having the bartenders give change from drinks in two dollar bills. Yeah, that'll get us to tip more.

About 12 hours later, we needed a break from driving, so we set out to find a strip club in San Antonio. Our original plan was to find one right near the freeway, but we got impatient and drove all around the Alamo Dome looking for boobs. We left forty minutes later, having seen zero boobs. How sad. Approximately five minutes up the road, however, was a glorious sight. A tiity bar! We quickly pulled off the road and sat down in a seedy, BYOB titty bar just outside of downtown San Antonio. It was just what we needed. That is, until we got back in the car and realized that we both had that stripper smell on us. No glitter, but we both reeked of strippers.

Another 12 hours later and we were finally able to stop driving in New Orleans. We got some sleep, showered up, and hit The Big Easy with our friend Kim. We had some real food, drank some hurricanes, and set out for more boobies. We thought that we'd get a break off the cover for bringing the doorman at Hustler's Barely Legal some beignets, but he didn't feel the need to hook us up. Dick. Anyways, it was there that I spent probably the best single dollar that I've ever spent. It was a one dollar lap dance for our friend Kim. It was glorious. We briefly went across the street to the Live Sex Acts club, but while we love the titties, live sex acts are on another level altogether. We quickly departed.

The Jay is probably still pissed that we didn't stop in that Adult Cafe that was somewhere in southern North Carolina. But I'm convinced that it was probably just a clever name, and we weren't going to be enjoying titties and lattes.

Elementary School Age Hostesses: 1
When stopping in Atlanta for a bite to eat, we decided that Italian food was just the ticket. We drove around and around looking for a place to get some quality pasta, but all we found were strip clubs. Go figure. So, we finally find a place that looks good, but walking in we get the feeling that we're quite underdressed (I guess shorts and old t-shirts just don't scream class in some places in the country). So, we went up the road 100 yards and found a great little Italian joint called Nino's. If you're ever around Atlanta and just plain old need some good Italian food, I highly recommend it. Anyways, my buddy The Jay walks in to grab us a table, and is greeted by a nicely dressed girl who can't be older than 8. She politely greets us, asks whether we'd like to sit inside or out, seats us, tells us our waitress will be right with us, and tells us to enjoy our meal. It was amazing. By far one of the most professional hostesses I've ever encountered. And I've been to plenty of nice places. The food was excellent, and just what we needed to carry us through the last six or seven hours of driving.

Metal Poles Hit with Heads: 1
If you haven't encountered Drunk Jason, The Jay's partying alter ego, you're seriously missing out. We stopped by the Cafe du Monde in New Orleans right before going to the Strip Club (with The Jay bitching and moaning about how far it was the entire way). We grabbed some beignets (which were awesome), and were off to see some strippers. Just then, The Jay decided that the hanging curtain in front of the Cafe needed to be headbutted. Before we could stop him, he jumps up and headbuts the overhang, only to find that there's a metal pole weighing down the bottom of the curtain. You could totally hear the "clang" when he hit it. And for those that don't know, when your head fights a metal object, the metal object wins 100% of the time. It must have sucked for The Jay, but damn if it wasn't one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time.

Speeding Tickets Received: 1
Yeah, just another reason why Texas is now my least favorite state. 91 in a 75 isn't really all that fast. Especially when you're going down a big hill.

Gay Dance Clubs Danced In: 1
I'm not exactly sure why we ended up in there (hand grenades definitely kick your ass), but somehow we ended up in some gay dance club in New Orleans. I think Drunk Jason just really wanted to go dancing. It was good times. The music was decent, and the dance floor wasn't too crowded or anything. Not to mention how much fun it is to see your best friend dance up on every girl in the club and get walked away from by every girl in the club. I'm not sure if he realized it was a gay club when we went in or not, but it was damned funny. I enjoyed it immensely.

Anyways, that's a quick and dirty recap of the trip. It was fun, but damn was it exhausting. I'd recommend that everyone drive across the country once, but that's probably about all you really need. A special thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for giving us a place to crash and shower in AZ, our friend Kim for showing us around New Orleans, and all the strippers that dangled their goodies in our faces just to earn a dollar. G-d bless America.

Blog's to you,

A-Train

More DVDs!

2005-08-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

The Jay, no excuses are necessary here my friend. You've hit upon the sweet spot my friend. DVDs are like kryptonite for my bank account. So, in what will most likely be my last west coast post for a while, let me add a few DVDs to your college must have list (consider it a must have for those that just love DVDs, like me).

The Big Lebowski - For those nights where you just need to hit the bowling alley and down a few pitchers. Trust me, bowling is awesomely underrated. Everyone can do it, and it only gets better when you add alcohol. Just make sure it's not a Friday night. "Shomrei Shabbus!"

The Crow - This should be everyone's Halloween/Friday the 13th tradition. It's epic work that's good fun for everyone. Not to mention that this flick is one of the top ten quotable movies of all time. "It can't rain all the time."

The Goonies - Throwback adventure at its finest. In my opinion, there's just no time that's wrong for this movie. It's good to go any time. "Goonies never say die!"

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle - This movie is climbing the charts as a top notch nothing but fun film. It's for those nights where you're on a mission and there ain't nothing in the world that's gonna stop you. Throw in a stripper crazed Neil Patrick Harris and the good times just keep on rolling.

Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human - This is by far the funniest movie that you've never heard of. It's basically a mock documentary about what an alien might think of the dating process of humans. It chronicles a couple from meeting in a club to marriage and childbirth. Not to mention it features a naked Carmen Electra.

Predator - I don't know what it is about this movie, but everyone loves it. It's the one guy movie that girls seem to really like. Maybe it's because you get to see two governors fighting some creature in the jungle. "Get to the chopper!" For an alternative, Total Recall could almost do the trick. "Get your ass to Mars!"

I could go on forever, but this should do for now. More news is to come from the upcoming roadtrip. We've received absolutely no suggestions for what to do, but we're still looking for some. Maybe we'll even find a way to post some pictures from the trip. It's gonna be ugly, and I give a 50/50 chance that only one of us makes it to North Carolina alive. See you in Durham,

- A-Train

DVD Must Haves and a Lame Excuse

2005-07-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 11:47 p.m.

So because I'm such a jackass and went on a road trip this weekend, I completely forgot the end of the month blog deadline. We here at AvsJ try to bring you something new at least once a month, something fresh, and if we can manage it, something funny. But I basically dropped the ball on July. So much went down in the 07 that I neglected our poor little blog.

Since it's late in the night and August is almost upon us I don't have the time to create something new out of thin air. And since A-Train and I are not fighting about any thing crucial or in particular right now, I'm fresh out of witty retorts for my toe-headed friend.

So instead of giving you any more of my lame excuses, I'm gonna give you a peek at an column that I just had published by my good friends over at Hungry Student Magazine. They commisioned my to write a piece on the DVD's that every college student MUST HAVE, and a happily concocted my list. So for now, enjoy the piece, and as soon as I come up for air, I promise something a bit better that written reruns.

A DVD FOR ALL SEASONS

By: The Jay

So picture this: you and your boys (or girls, whichever the case may be) are pre-partying for a night on college town, but the stereo is broken. So you throw on a movie to get pumped up. What are you gonna put on? You could put on a Rocky movie, but that would just make everyone wanna go work out. Maybe you could try something like Friday, but then someone’s gonna be carrying and then no one is leaving the apartment. So what do you do? You drop in Old School, of course! And before Frank the Tank is doing his “one”, your crew is ready for a night to remember.

It’s all about the right movie at the right time. And since most college students have so much to worry about (what junk food to buy during finals, what music to illegally download from the dorm computer network, etc.), provided is an all-purpose list for what DVD’s every college student should have for any occasion.

American Pie – For when you want to remember what you left behind.

PCU or Van Wilder – For when you forget where you are right now.

Office Space or Clerks – For when you need to decide what not to do after you graduate.

Swingers – For when it’s time for that spontaneous road trip. Vegas, baby? Indeed, Vegas!

Rounders – Poker Night? Pop it in, press play and deal the cards.

Half Baked – Well… this one is a little obvious.

The Notebook – When you and your date just wanna stay in and rock it, Netflix style. Also, everyone likes this movie, girls and guys. Even the guys that say that don’t.

For guys: Fight Club – It’s testosterone time and you need a fix.

For girls: Bridget Jones’s Diary – It’s estrogen time and you need a fix.

For both: Jerry Maguire – When a couple just can’t decide who gets to choose. Sports movie or chick flick. Why not both? We here at Hungry Student Magazine are for equal opportunity. Bonus points for it being before Tom Cruise went certifiably insane.

The Rules of Attraction – Because hey, at least your school isn’t this screwed up. Or has Dawson as a student.

Garden State – You need to watch this movie, it’ll totally change your life.

Ocean’s Eleven – For when your fraternity, sorority or random assembly of friends decides to do something just this side of stupid, and needs reassurance that there not being stupid. Note: Yes it is stupid, and yes you should still do it anyway.

Mallrats – Finals time and you need to blow off steam by laughing for two straight hours? Jay and Silent Bob will make it all better. Snoogans!

The Star Wars Trilogy – For when it’s totally geek out time… what else are you gonna put on? And no, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is not the right answer. That’s to put on during a mammoth all night study session when you just want background noise and the occasional “Elijah Wood sucks” joke.

And finally…

The Matrix – Because there’s always time for a little Keanu.

If a situation arises that we haven’t covered, stop, breath and go straight to Pulp Fiction. All answers lie within. It’s all gonna be ok.

Bangarang, Tardy Slacker The Jay!

Hodge Podge

2005-06-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog says it all. I've got a bunch of random stuff on my mind, and I'm just gonna go ahead and spout off about all of it. First, however, we have a fan! And not one of the ones we paid, or one of our friends. And since our fan has been kind of enough to visit our site, I think it'd be nice to plug his. Before anyone gets all upset, remember, it's not selling out if you're not getting paid. But, if anyone's reading and wants to drop us a fat check for some plugs (or just about anything else), just drop us a line. We're a couple of sellout sluts and corporate whores. So go check out this guy's site.

www.mutantreviewers.com

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Might as well call it "Johnny Depp acting ultra-creepy in a bunch of hyper-colored sets with a whole lot of special effects and CGI thrown in." Or you could just call it a big ball of ass and get it over with. That's what we're gonna be calling it once it comes out anyways. The first one was great because it was all about Charlie. Charlie was the one that deserved the golden ticket. Charlie was the one that understood the magic of the chocolate factory. And Charlie was the one who was going to take over the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka was just the weird owner of the factory. All the previews for Charlie make him look like he's being creepy to try to creep people out. I don't want to spend two hours of my life just watching Johnny Depp be creepy. The Jay, your hunch was spot on.

Entourage is back on the map, and I love it. I don't watch all that much TV, but I've seen every episode at least twice, and it is EXCELLENT. It's getting better and better. The series is moving in the right direction as a whole, and the witty banter is better than ever.

Now, for some ongoing banter. We need to compile a list of the best quotable movies and all the good quotes that they are filled with. The Jay and I have been known to pass time (mainly in long car rides, especially to Vegas, Vegas Baby!) by having impromptu Quote-Offs. "What's a quote-off?" you ask. Allow me to fill you in. A quote-off begins by selecting a movie. It can be any movie, but it works best with a movie that all parties to the quote-off are very familiar with. Then, one person starts by quoting a line from the flick. Person number two proceeds by spouting another line from the movie. Play continues with the players quoting line after line until one player can no longer come up with a quote in a reasonable amount of time (you could add a definite time limit if you want, but there's really no need). This game will revolutionize roadtrips.

Thus, we need a list of movies that will work for a Quote-Off. Not any movie will do. It's gotta be a movie that's littered with good quotes. It's even better when the players get into it and start acting out scenes and saying quotes with some feeling. A couple of great stand-bys for a quote off are Pulp Fiction and The Crow. Great stuff right there. A quote off of those two movies could last hours. So, if anyone's got some wonderfully quotable movies, let's have em. This blog isn't supposed to be just me and The Jay. It's interactive! We love the comments.

Since this blog is interactive, The Jay and I are going to need some ideas, advice and recommendations. In a couple of months I've got to go back to school. So, The Jay and I are roadtripping it across the country. That's right, the two of us in a car for about 3,000 miles. Odds are, at least one of us will come back with some sort of injury. What makes this trip even more fun (and infinitely more dangerous) is the fact that we'll be taking my video camera with us. Oh yes, we will be videotaping our journey across this great country. It's gonna be complete craziness.

There are a couple of things I can virtually guarantee. One, Jason and I will hit each other. Probably more than once. In fact, probably a lot more than once. Two, there will be nudity. This is a certainty. One or both of us will definitely show our butt to the camera.

So, here is my call to all A-Train vs. The Jay readers: Give us some ideas for the trip. We're headed through Arizona and Texas, over to New Orleans and Atlanta, then up to North Carolina. Anyone got any hot bars or clubs to hit? Anyone want to put us up for a night? Anyone got any requests for video footage and/or pictures? Let's hear em! Comment on the blog, or send one or both of us an e-mail. This trip could see the end of one of us, so enjoy our blog while you can!

Blogs to you,

A-Train

The Jay Looks Forward to the Rest of 2005...

2005-05-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 12:07 a.m.

With the big gun of 2005 five out of the way (Order 66!), and an entire slate of beyond crappy movies wiped from our theaters and sent packing to DVD land, it’s time to look forward to the rest of the year. The horizon holds promise; several high profile flicks, great directors coming back and an ever curious group of potential sleeper-flicks. Oh, and of course, lots to make fun of.

So here at A-Train vs. The Jay, we have decided to compile our respective lists of the films we are most looking forward to for the rest of the year. As well, we will include the films we are least looking forward to, and in a related issue, our topics of harsh, sarcastic discussion. Enjoy.

MOVIES I'M MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Batman Begins – The only thing that could get me more excited about this flick is if Michael Keaton showed up in a surprise cameo. Love me some Keaton.

War of the Worlds – I’m dying to see what made Tom eights ways of crazy. And also, Spielberg + Aliens = Awesome. That’s like, better than the Pythagorean theory.

Wedding Crashers – I’ve already seen it, and its high hilarity. I’m looking forward to being able to quote the flick with all my friends. Lock it down!

Sky High – Pure, unadulterated goofy fun. And doesn’t love seeing Kurt Russell playing iconic?

The New World – The best trailer I have seen in years. Farrell will bring it. Trust me.

Aeon Flux – I am just dying to see if Charlize can pull this off. Bar none the best sci-fi script I have read in years. This is a big franchise just waiting to happen.

Ultraviolet – Kurt Wimmer’s follow up to Equilibrium. More Gun-kata!

Untitled Mike Judge Project – The last time Mike Judge made a movie it changed the way we look at TPS Reports. Gotta give him the early confidence.

The Transporter 2 – An old school, throwback action flick? Yes please!

Red Eye – The Next (Rachel McAdams) does a thriller. I could watch her watch paint dry and I’d be riveted.

Into the Blue – I mean have you seen the trailer? Hello, Alba!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – This episode has a lot to prove after the brilliance of Azkaban. But any film that has Emma Watson in it can’t be all bad.

Domino – Keira Knightley is the new Man on Fire. Hee!

Elizabethtown – Can Cameron Crowe pull a non-historical performance out of Orlando Bloom? I don’t doubt the man that made Lloyd Dobler

MOVIES I'M LEAST LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Fantastic Four – Probably the worst looking Marvel movie since Thomas Jane thought he was cooler than Dolph Lundgren. Nothing about this movie looks good, from the casting to the trailers to the costumes to the infamous shitty script. It’ll make a mint, but it ain’t gonna be worth salt.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – This one is just a hunch. I got a bad feeling about this.

Herbie: Fully Loaded – How the mighty have fallen. 2005 will mark not the downfall of the once mighty Lakers, or the trail of Michael Jackson, but the demise of the once-red headed, formerly curvaceous hottie known as Lindsay Lohan. May she rest in peace. Plastics forever!

Underworld: Evolution – The first one wasn’t any good and didn’t make any money. Who greenlit this piece of shit? God!

Saw 2 – The first flick was so over-rated I was nauseous before the opening credits ended. And though I love him, someone has got to stop Cary Elwes before he ruins another movie.

Big Momma’s House 2 – Did we really need more Big Momma movies? I mean, really?

Bewitched – More evidence that Nicole Kidman is withering away into nothingness. This one smells as bad as that shite Stepford Wives flick she dropped last summer. Not even Ron Burgundy can save this upcoming albatross.

Rent – Hollywood, stop making musicals. And Chris Columbus, please stop thinking you can do anything other than Macaulay Culkin movies and Goonie flicks. Thus endeth the lesson.

Rebound – Dammit, who keeps funding Martin Lawrence movies? Do we really need another "bad coach teaches a scrappy team of losers to win" movie? How soon we forget Kicking & Screaming.

The Producers – Nobody wants to see this movie. Trust me. What a waste. The play did phenomenal business. What good will the flick do aside from filling the pockets of Mel Brooks? Dude, go make Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money, at least I’d respect you.

Bangarang, Crappy 2005 Movies!

The End of an Era...

2005-05-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

And The Jay looked upon the entire Star Wars Saga and said unto the world: "It was good."

Bangarang, Lucas!

Check Out My New Star Wars (booger free!)

2005-05-16T02:54:00.000-07:00

All right, let’s get down to business. This topic right here is a serious undertaking. I mean, the choices are vast. The topic really does allow one to go in any manner of direction. We could try to cast the movie in a way that would make it the same as the original, or completely different. The Jay, since this is your topic, I’ll go in the order you’ve chosen, and I’ll try to save my comments on your choices for later discussion. That being said, game on!

Princess Leia of Alderaan – Olivia Wilde
In six to eight years, Emma Watson will be the obvious choice for this role. At the current point in time, however, she just won’t do. Princess Leia must be legal. No ifs, ands, or butts about that. The other requirements for Princess Leia would have to be strong, yet feminine, well-spoken, and the curves to fill out a gold bikini (not necessarily in that order). I was also thinking of giving the role to Hillary Swank (can’t argue with two Oscars). Then I realized that she gets most of her work playing boys, or at the very least boyish girls, and no one really wants to see her in a gold bikini. Next!

Now, for those that don’t know who Olivia Wilde is, think back to the really hot lesbian from The O.C. Yeah, that’s her. She’s amazingly hot, and has both the soft feminine side and the hard edged, take no shit side. Plus, she’s waspy-looking enough to believe that she’s Luke’s sister. I could see her shooting down storm troopers, and I could also see her in a gold bikini strangling Jabba. Oooooohh yeah, I could definitely see her in that gold bikini….. Sorry about that. She also looks a great deal like Kristanna Loken, but I didn’t like the idea of Princess Leia being six feet tall, so I went with Olivia. Damn, my Star Wars is gonna be hot yo!

Luke Skywalker – James Marshall
That’s right, I like Pfc. Louden Downey as Cracker-Farm-Boy Luke Skywalker. He’s got the looks for it, and he’s got the fresh off the boat, but I got lots of heart feel to him. He’s been around enough to have some Hollywood experience, but change up the haircut and get some makeup on him and no one would really recognize him. Plus, he was the great white hope in Gladiator (not that Gladiator, the other one), so he probably has the skill to throw down with a lightsaber.

The Jay, while I accept your choice to cast a total unknown for Luke and totally understand and respect the reasons for it, I just needed to make a choice for this role. While I could probably scour the earth with the world’s largest casting call and find the perfect Luke, in a pinch Pfc. Downey can get the job done. “Hal?”

C3PO – Kevin Pollack
Kevin Pollack is kind of an off the wall choice for C3PO, but hear me out. C3PO was mostly around for a bit of comic relief in A New Hope. So, I’m gonna keep the comic relief, but change the role a little bit. Instead of being as prissy as in the original, I think an updated version of the movie could update C3PO into being a robot that just doesn’t give a crap, and Kevin Pollack can pull that off with ease. He doesn’t really give a crap about any of this war going on around him, but he really has nothing better going for him, so he just kind of follows R2 around. This could work. Seriously.

R2D2 – Warwick Davis
Not so much for his Leprechaun work, but he will forever have Verne Troyer beat simply for his work on Willow. Little Man carried the film as an 18 year old rookie. Now, Verne Troyer wouldn’t be bad, but Willow’s got more experience. Solution: little person wrestling cage match – two enter, only one leaves (and gets to be R2D2).

Chewbacca – Shaquille O’Neal
Not only does Shaq have size over Mutombo, but he’s got acting experience to back it up. Kazaam? Steel? Masterpieces, all of them. Okay, maybe not, but Shaq’s got the bulk necessary to play Chewbacca and I don’t think Mutombo has enough meat on his bones to carry it off. And come on, like anyone can understand more than like 5% of what Shaq spews out of his mouth. “Blah, blah, blah. Kobe sucks. Blah, blah, blah.” Shaq would rule as Chewie. He’s got the size, the aggression, but he’s also learned to take over and let someone else be a leader on the court. He’d follow Han’s orders and just wait for his turn to kick a little storm trooper ass.

Grand Moff Tarkin – Brad Dourif
I love Jason Isaacs for this choice. Dude is flat out awesome. It was a primo choice on your part The Jay. But, I’m gonna go ahead and choose someone else just to be original and for discussion’s sake.

So, what else to do, but go to the other sweeter than sweet fantasy epic of our time, Lord of the Rings. Brad Dourif has the cold as eyes and uber-creepiness necessary to pull off this role. Dourif would play a less high class Tarkin, and that’s just fine by me. My Tarkin would be more power hungry, even less play by the rules, and more despicable and disliked. He’d bring more of an ugliness to the character (that wasn’t meant to be a burn on Brad Dourif, but hey, man just ain’t that pretty) which could really work, especially when contrasted against Vader’s “beautiful, black visage” and loyalty to the honorable force.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – Sir Anthony Hopkins
I don’t think I would like Ian McKellen as Obi-Wan either. Ideally, Richard Harris would still be alive and I’d go with him. He had that quiet power that was exactly what Alec Guiness brought to Obi-Wan. However, until I learn the secrets of resurrection, I’ll have to make other plans.

This was a big role for me; very important to set the tone of the film (and trilogy) because he’s the first you see of the light side of the force. My Obi-Wan has to be old and frail enough that you wouldn’t think him any sort of threat or warrior at first glance, but he’d have an underlying confidence that exudes to the point that it doesn’t really surprise you when he whips out the light saber and cuts some dude’s arm off just for pushing Luke. Obi-Wan is a peaceful man, but he doesn’t take any shit.

Another possible actor for the role was Sean Connery. He’s getting kinda old, but not decrepit. He’s fairly frail, but you know he’s a bad-ass. Only problem, that damned accent. Is the pope Polish? Well, OK, bad example. But I can tell you one thing, Obi-Wan Kenobi is just not Scottish.

The next person I looked at (and very seriously, mind you) was Bill Nighy. I think Bill could pull this role off. He’s a frail, older man, who can still kick quite a bit of ass (see Underworld, exhibit A). What really blew it for me with Bill was the voice again. It’s imperative that my Ob-Wan have the proper voice for every time he talks to Luke post-Vader fight.

In the end, I chose Sir Anthony Hopkins. Yes, I know, Hannibal Kenobi. Go ahead and yuck it up. But, allow me to explain myself. I searched far and wide for an actor who could pull off the venerable Obi-Wan. It’s harder than it sounds. In addition to all of the previously mentioned characteristics, you have to be able to picture him as a total recluse, yet a man with an extremely heightened sense of honor and duty who takes decisive action upon being notified of Leia’s message and her cry for help. Hopkins is old and frail, but lord knows he could whoop some ass with a light saber if need be. Furthermore, he would be excellent as Luke’s deceased and ethereal mentor, with a great off-screen voice that carries a lot of presence.

Han Solo – Clive Owen
As an ardent Han Solo fan, this role is very key for me. Han Solo is your classic anti-hero. You gotta love him and hate him at the same time. And whoever I choose has to be able to deliver the “I know” line when Leia tells him that she loves him and really be able to sell it.

Clive Owen is the perfect guy to play Solo. Number one, he’s a badass. Anyone playing Han Solo must be a complete and utter badass. It’s a necessity for the role. Second, Clive Owen is one of those guys that you admire for being a badass, but at the same time, you’re not quite sure you’d want this guy as a friend (at least not until he’s proven his loyalty by the end of Jedi). Clive can play sketchy, and Solo is sketchy for sure. Clive’s got a great delivery that’s smooth and effortless and would work well with Solo. He’d shoot Greedo first, but he could also get away with saying something really kick ass before he does it (do I hear a, “Thank you for your honesty, now fuck off and die!”).

Furthermore, I could see Solo having a British accent, if Clive couldn’t ditch his. British accents just work well for someone who needs to be the classic anti-hero. Throwing out the classic Solo sarcasm at Princess Leia with a British accent would be a treat. Clive could lay that shit on nice and thick. Clive Owen is at the top of his game these days, and he’d be perfect for Solo.

That being said, I think Colin Ferrell could fit the bill also. He’s not as grungy as Harrison Ford, but we can overlook that or fix it with make-up. It’d be easy to love him and hate him all at the same time. I could see him shooting Greedo first (and shoot first he would!), and I could see him coming back to help save the day. He may be a little young/immature looking for the part, but I think that contrasted against a young looking James Marshall as Luke, Farrell would work quite well.

As an alternate choice, I could totally see Val Kilmer doing the part also. Get him in the right make-up and let him take care of business. Mix Madmartigan with Simon Templar and just a little bit of Doc Holliday. Throw the result up in space, and give him a wookie, and you’re all set.

Darth Vader (voice) – Michael Clarke Duncan
This choice seemed pretty clear to me. My boy Bear has plenty of voice over experience, due to his immensely cool, ultra-deep bad ass voice. Not to mention the fact that he could probably stand in for Vader too, since he’s massive. However, he may be a bit too wide and bulky to play Vader. Vader is a spiritual brother, not a body builder. If he needed to lift a barbell with three plates on either side, he wouldn't hop on the bench, he’d just use the force.

But, either way, Vader’s voice has to be Michael Clarke Duncan. He could throw the subwoofers in the theater into overdrive, which is critically necessary for Vader’s booming voice. With any sort of half decent direction, Bear could rock the house as Vader.

This is a tough game my friends, but someone’s got to do it. So, might as well be us. Any comments for me? Let me know if one of my choices was particularly astute or extremely lame. What say you, The Jay?

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Getting our 2000 On!

2005-04-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to us! Another milestone down. Thanks to all our loyal readers (we love you both), and any new fans that we may have picked up along the way. The A-Train vs. The Jay reality TV show will be here before you know. Mark my words. You heard it here first.

Recasting a Classic... Play At Your Own Risk

2005-04-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 11:17 pm

The other day a friend of mine ruined my night. All plays on words aside, I got hosed by someone I call a loved one. Here’s how it all went down: I was on my way to a late night, empty theater house, cheesy movie. Oh, how I love my cheesy late night movies. I even had some good company with me. My mind was set to mush speed as I sat down in the theater (center row, center seat, natch). We had some time to kill, so we started playing movie trivia. After a few easy rounds of name that Affleck bomb (by the way, the answer is all of the above), my good friend Lena tells me her friend came up with a great time waster. I said shoot.

Here’s the game:

You are a big time movie director. Top of the world. Every executive in town is throwing their movies at you. You are approached about one specific project, and for one reason or another, you cannot turn it down. You are making this movie. You are asked to remake Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. You can take the film in any direction you want, with any actors you want, so long as none of them have appeared in any Star Wars films. Who’s your cast?

Well, great, now I’m not getting anything done for the next week! Forget the movie. You think I can concentrate on Sandra Bullock shenanigans when I’ve gotta find the next Han Solo? Me thinks not.

I was consumed. I brought the query to all my film geek friends. They too, decried me for taking their week away. Each of us slaved over our casts, ignored friends and family, and TiVo’d Scrubs, Lost and American Idol (You’re my boy, Bo!). Text messages were sent in bulk. Frenzied e-mails and phone calls about actor’s heights, eye colors, credits, coolness, you name it, we questioned it. And after countless minutes and seconds, I have arrived at my decision. And now I will share it with you.

Forthwith, the cast for the upcoming remake of the original episode of Star Wars…

Princess Leia of Alderaan – Rachel McAdams
This was the easiest decision in the bunch. My favorite current actress; she can play demure, spunky, luscious, virginal, funny and enigmatic all at the same time. She has great, cinnamon bun ready hair. She’s thin, but curvy in all the right gold-bikini places. Oh man, and that smile can light up a room like a next generation Julia. And besides, she’s The Next. Who would you rather have? Julia Stiles? Kirsten Dunst? Erika Christensen? The Swimfan as a Skywalker? Really? “Han! Tell him you love me, I know it! “ Hee! Please excuse the gratuitous Swimfan reference. Gotta love those cheesy movies. Ahem, moving on…

Luke Skywalker – A complete unknown
This is not a cop-out, it’s a moral imperative. For the right type of Luke, you gotta pull a guy off a farm. He can’t be corrupted by too many failed sitcom pilots, or bad teen comedies. You have to look at this guy and see purity, innocence and joy. And seriously, we have no young actors that can portray innocence anymore. Trust me, I’m an actor and I live in LA. There’s nobody.

Bryan Singer was right to cat an unknown as his Superman. I can’t picture Nicolas Cage, Brendan Fraser or Josh Hartnett as the Man of Steel. Iconic characters have to be played by someone you can project feelings onto, not fall back on their tabloid baggage. And besides, can anyone tell me what Mark Hamill was in before Star Wars. I didn’t think so.

C3PO – David Hyde Pierce
Thin. Gangly. Prissy. Perfect. And he’s proven himself a capable voice talent. And besides, I’m giving the golden gay-bot a diminished role in my version anyway, so this’ll do.

R2D2 - Verne Troyer
I’ll be honest, he’s the only little guy I could think of. I guess, maybe that dude from The Station Agent? Could bring some gravitas to the role? Nah, we’ll stick with Mini-Me. If I were to lose him, I don’t know what I’d do. Yeah, I’d probably just cast another midget, but for ten minutes there I’d be quite inconsolable.

Chewbacca (what a wookie!) – Dikembe Mutombo
It’s time to bring in the man with the razor sharp elbow’s and the finger of doom. The man with seven kids by seven women. The tallest guy I could think of. Plus, I can’t understand a word that comes out of his mouth. He’s a perfect wookie.

Grand Moff Tarkin – Jason Isaacs
The steely eyed Brit for the steely eyed Vader lackey. He’s got stuffy, arrogant, prissy power-lust down to a T. He was probably the best thing about Mel’s pre-Jesus historical epic The Patriot, the only redeeming part of the last season of The West Wing, and a delicious, electric shock presence to the Harry Potter franchise. Leia can smell his foul stench from here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – John Hurt
Here’s how this works: he’s a British guy, he’s a well respected actor with a great body of work. He’s old. And Ian McKellen has been in too many major franchises.

Han Solo – Leonardo DiCaprio
Stay with me now. Remember the point of this exercise… we are picking someone to play the character not fill Harrison Ford’s shoes. So here’s what I needed: actor in his early thirties, tall, good build, charming, slightly immature, slightly dimwitted when necessary but also heroic when he has to be. Must have a rouge charm. And he has to be good looking enough to snare Leia. For the life of me I can’t figure out who would be better. Leo pulled off this character type in Titanic, and has proved he can do drama and action (not to mention piloting an aircraft) in last year’s masterpiece The Aviator. He’s the right age, the right type of charisma and the right type of attitude. DiCaprio is my man and I’m standing by him. And if you don’t like it, prove me wrong.

Darth Vader (voice) – Will Arnett
For those not in the know, Arnett is the comedic lynchpin of the inevitable tragic FOX sitcom to-be-canceled-before-its-time, Arrested Development. His Gob, rhymes with job, is a ludicrous, inept magician who will stop at nothing to rule the magic kingdom. He’s got all the makings of a Sith lord. But most of all is the voice.

Vader has the most quintessential, recognizable, idolic voice in movie history. You can’t do much better than James Earl Jones. But when you are remaking Star Wars, you gotta make the tough choices. And besides, what were my other choices, Kelsey Grammar? Vin Diesel? Please! The Pacifier as the biggest bad in the galaxy? We’d be better served casting Darth Helmet, and calling it a day. Arnett has a deep rich voice, with a register that can hold benjamins. He is the voice talent for a stack of commercials, and when he speaks, you listen. Can’t ask for much more than that.

So there’s my cast. It’s my Star Wars world, and you’re just cleaning up bantha fodder.

Bangarang, Lucas!

Things Oveheard on the Oscar Red Carpet...

2005-03-01T16:37:00.000-08:00

THE JAY – 4:37 p.m.

We’ll get back to picking on worthless, talentless celebrities in a minute, but first, something fun to spring us into March…

There are few things better in this world than gossip. And the absolute nadir of gossip, is Celebrity gossip. Being a purveyor of pop culture such as I am, I go to great lengths to get inside the most private of celebrity drama. And as I do every year, I managed to get a hidden microphone on the Oscar red carpet, picking up the sights and sounds, and most importantly, the dirt.

But before I press play on the gossip, let me break it down for you on my most masterful and mischievous plan. Since I bugged Charlie Kaufman’s imaginary twin brother a couple years back, I knew I couldn’t tap the Eternal Sunshine well again. Last year I was lucky enough to convince Sean Penn that my hidden tape recorder was really a “No WMD’s in Iraq” pin. I mean, really? Great actor, not very bright. And since no one wants to talk to him anyway, no dice there.

This year would have to be my most intricate, most elaborate plan of all. I plucked, teased, buffed, tanned, coordinated and polished myself into an exact replica of the grooming guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and approached Penelope Cruz’s people about a makeover. I told them I was the guy behind Virginia Madsen’s comeback. Sensing a way to overcome her reputation of extreme Box Office Poison (!), she rushed to accept my services. And service her I did. Did you catch the abnormally large beehive hairdo Ms. Penelope McConaughey was sporting? Did you happen to think to yourself, wow that beehive is so big, you could put a hidden tape recorder in there? Well, so did I. Zing!

So without further ado, and with apologies to Penelope Cruz (I’m sure you’ll be a big draw for the upcoming box office flop Sahara.), I present for your enjoyment:

Things Overheard…on the Oscar Red Carpet

Virginia Madsen: How you like me now, Candyman! Sit on it, Michael. Now’s who’s the biggest Madsen in the family? That’s right, me baby. Go get drunk and make another straight-to-video bomb. Something I won’t be doing for at least six to eight more months. It feels good to be in.

Jim Carrey: I talked out of my ass, that didn’t work. I did Peter Weir, that didn’t work. I did a biopic, that didn’t work. I do an indy flick, still didn’t work. Well fuck all, Academy, I’m going back to the ass. At least there I get some respect.

Halle Berry: Man, the red carpet for the Razzies is getting better every year. Look at this place!

Natalie Portman: It’s ok if I don’t win. There always next year. After all, George is so good with actors. Even better than Mike Nichols.

Kate Winslet: What does a British girl have to do to win an Oscar? Do I have to lose twenty pounds and play a garish American? Or has Renee cornered the market on all that nonsense?

Samuel L. Jackson: If Jamie Foxx wins an Oscar before me, goddamn it I’m gonna kill muthafucka’s! I’m Sam Jackson. I’m the MAN! What, I can’t get no love for Twisted? Fool, I was in S.W.A.T. I’m Coach Carter! Whatever. I’ll be here next year. George knows what he’s doing. Mace Windu in the house!

Hilary Swank: I told you I was a girl. Didn’t you see me up there playing a scrappy, yet ultra feminine boxer? I was sex-E! And now look at me. Two Time Oscar Winner The Next Karate Kid. Let’s see you do THAT Ralph Macchio! Crane kick, my ass!

Jude Law: I didn’t get nominated? But how can that be? I was in so many movies last year I should be up for the lifetime achievement award by now!

Ben Stiller: You’re telling me.

Catalina Sandino Moreno: Wow, all this publicity is so overwhelming! I feel like J.Lo with all this press I’m getting. How do you say “NOT!” in Spanish?

Jamie Foxx: Man, Sam is really mad dogging me. Oh well, back to practicing my Oscar speech. Heeeey! Hoooo! This one goes out to all the Booty Call fans out there. If I can win an Oscar by playing a famous dead guy, man, Snoop Dogg, you ain’t but a Marvin Gaye biopic from sniffing Oscar gold. Heeeey! Hooooo!

Martin Scorsese: What do I have to do to win an Oscar? C’mon! Did I spit on someone’s relative? Was Goodfellas not good enough? Were Taxi Driver and Mean Streets too much fluff? What do I gotta do? Make a boxing movie? I’m pretty sure I’ve done that already. A little something I like to call Raging Bull? No? Nothing? Forget it, I’m outta here. A got a looping session for Shark Tale 2 in two hours, anyway.

Clint Eastwood: Marty, genius ain’t enough.

Martin Scorsese: I swear to God I’ll kill you, you freakin’ cowboy! Where’s De Niro to whack somebody when you need him? What? He’s doing another Ben Stiller movie? Well, at least isn’t selling out.

Renee Zellwegger: Wow, ya’ll! It’s so great to be nominated for playing Bridget Jones again. This really makes gaining ten pounds and looking normal, worth it. What? I didn’t get nominated? Are you kidding me? I scrunched my face up all cute like, for NO REASON! This sucks, ya’ll.

Joan Rivers: Oh, OH, Don Cheadle, you were wonderful in Ray! I love how you brought Stevie Wonder to life. What are you wearing? You look fantastic!

P-Diddy: I’d like to win an Oscar, but I don’t got the time. I’m gonna have to shut down the studio. If I had it my way, I'd never work. I'd sit at home and eat cookie dough off the ass of a Tasmanian Devil. Cause’s that’s what’s down in the streets! And I’d paint. But I can’t! I don’t got that type of time!

Annette Benning: I swear if that little boy beats me again I’m gonna sick Warren on her ass. I was in The Grifters, goddamn it. I could have played a scrappy boxer. And it would have been damn classy, too. Warren, Warren, get back here. Leave Halle Berry alone!

Star Jones-Reynolds: Allegedly, somebody is watching this show. Allegedly.

Paul Giamatti: I’m good, but even I’m not good enough to fake enthusiasm for this crap. They nominated the guy from Wings, but not me? It wasn’t like I was opposite Tony Shalhoub! Ah forget it, I’m gonna go get drunk and research my next movie, Sideways 2: Revenge of the Merlot.

Ben Affleck: Last name is Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. How can I not be on the list? I had a hit movie last year. Hello? A little something I like to call Surviving Christmas? It was only the third highest grossing movie of the year with the word Christmas in the title… you know, in the world. That means Oscar time in Affleck-land. Give it up! Ah screw it, I’ll be in Vegas.

Sean Penn: What’s funny? Shut up. I’ll punch you in the mouth.

Uma Thurman: Hilary Swank? Let’s see her box her way out of a drunken Bill Carradine advance. Yeah, I didn’t think so. C’mon Quentin, let’s go make another perfect film that gets ignored by the Academy.

Quentin Tarantino: (snifling) Alright. But this time, can I act in it, too?

Uma Thurman: We’ll see, honey. We’ll see.

Bangarang, Oscar!

Paris who?

2005-02-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

A-Train - 11:45 p.m.

Like none of you know who I’m talking about. And that’s precisely the problem. My second pick, Paris Hilton, is a household name in America. The vast majority of men in this country have probably seen her naked. In fact, the vast majority of American men have probably seen her doing things that this blog site is too damn respectable to describe. But why do we all know this girl so well? Why is she on the cover of magazines? I mean, Jenna Haze is just as cute. And she takes it in the pooper! (With no poor lighting or nightvision required, I’d like to add)

Being a humongous slutbag shouldn’t make a person famous. Cause hey, we all know girls from high school or college that have probably out-slutted even Paris Hilton. Paris isn’t even all that good looking. Honestly, why does she get to be on the cover of like every magazine out there? Why do all the doors open for her? To quote the all-knowing Jason Lee: “What the fuck man? What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?"

I’ll lay it down for you. Paris Hilton was born rich. Well zippity doo-dah for her. So we’ve established that she’s rich and not all that good looking. Good start to being famous…. The truth of the matter is that she is famous for taking daddy’s money and whoring herself around every major city in the world.

Now, if Paris had some redeeming values (other than being able to take a money shot to the face, ZING!), I might be able to allow for her celebrity status. But she’s really a waste of blonde hair and a decent body. She has starred in absolutely zero quality movies. None. She does however guest star on TV shows every so often. Playing herself! Nice acting there Paris, you nailed the role. Her only real claim to fame is co-starring in a TV show with Nicole Ritchie (and I ain’t even gonna get started with her) where America tunes in to see how dumb and naïve they can be, and how much shit they can fuck up. Vundabar! I love it. America is completely shameless. And all of you that claim the joke’s on her because you tune in to laugh at her, not with her; guess what? The joke’s on you. You just feed her celebrity machine.

But you know, some people can be celebrities just for being themselves. It is possible. It’s possible that someone is so charismatic, appealing, and knowledgeable about what the people want that their personalities alone warrant celebrity status. Her name is Oprah Winfrey, and sorry Paris, but the spot’s taken. Gain 100 pounds, grow a few new brain cells, and pull a reverse Michael Jackson maneuver on us and we may consider it. I don’t have much else to say regarding this section of my argument, but I have to ask you: Do you really care about Paris Hilton’s opinion or insight about anything at all?

The other day I caught a re-run of the last MTV Movie Awards which featured one Paris Hilton doing a few red carpet interviews. The theme of the night appeared to be horror films, and she was apparently told to ask everyone in attendance what their favorite scary movies are (how original). She then proceeds to go about this seemingly simple task with about as much intelligence as a carrot stick. She has no response to anyone’s favorite scary movie. How hard is it to come up with 15 seconds worth of witty banter to Jaws or Halloween? I would kill to talk horror movies with some of today’s biggest celebrities. Not Paris. She couldn’t be bothered with doing any sort of prep work for an actual job. True celebrities are some of the hardest workers on the planet. Most of them are workaholics. Paris doesn’t even work on her tan. She paints that shit on there, all bright orange like.

Finally, this recent cell phone hacking incident just further illustrates how worthless Paris is. Who keeps naked pictures of themselves on their own cell phone? Who does that? Is that style? I think not. In summation: Paris Hilton isn’t all that attractive, provides zero entertainment value, and doesn’t come remotely close to having a personality worth bestowing celebrity status upon. Oh yeah, her purses are ugly too.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

P.S. Sorry for the delay in posting. Advice of the day: don’t go to law school, you know enough crap already.

That's a Burn! That's a Bad Actor BURN!

2005-01-04T01:37:00.000-08:00

THE JAY – 1:37 a.m.

The search for the Most Untalented Celebrity in the World continues...

My Second Pick: Wilmer Valderrama

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s an actor becoming famous for who they are dating. Why does this make them valuable? Why does this merit an insane amount of US Weekly covers? Put out a movie, write a book, do something, anything, that brings value or worth to your existence, and then we can talk. In this ongoing list of missing talent, the few who are currently in star orbit for just these reasons are easy additions. For now, I want to talk about one loser in particular. And that someone is Wilmer Valderrama.

That 70’s Show is admittedly not a classic sitcom. It’s only mildly funny, and suffers from a preponderance of Ashton Kutcher, immediately losing itself valuable talent points. However, the cast as a whole is uniformly good. They work well together, setting up jokes and knocking down burns. Evaluating them individually, you find that there are a few very talented actors; ones who we will be seeing on the silver screen for years to come (take a bow Topher Grace, you’ve earned it. Now don’t go phoning in all your Denis Quaid movies, it’s in bad taste). In preparing this evisceration of the man who is Fes, I took a look at the CV of all six teen stars. What I found was that each of them has done work beyond the show that I have either enjoyed or respected, except Wilmer. He has literally done nothing but fake an accent for seven years. So why do I know how to spell his fukachta name? Why does he get the dollars and the hoopla?

Because he was balling Lindsay Lohan. And before that he dropped into Mandy Moore. And before that he took a ride on the Jennifer Love Hewitt Train of Herpes and Hormones. This is why he is famous. Because he bones hot chicks. Sure that makes him respectable, but talented? I think not. Has he been in a critically acclaimed indie film(Masterson)? No. Has he done a funny cameo in a broad ensemble star vanity project (Grace)? No. Has he lent his voice to an uber funny cult sitcom (Kunis)? Hell, has he created a groundbreaking Mtv show about clowning on celebs (Kutcher)? No and No. Instead, he was one of the celebs that got clowned.

In the seven years that he has been in the limelight, getting insane pay for a high profile network sitcom, he has done nothing to further the cause of entertainment. He has gotten by on balling the Lohan and butchering the English language. And you know we already have Arnold Schwarzenegger for that second one. And he’s our Governor! Let’s see fucking Fes do that!

And about the other thing, I took a closer look at his dating record and noticed a glaring problem with it: he corrupts the girls he dates. Pre-Wilmer, Lindsay Lohan was the burgeoning hottie who turned heads in Mean Girls. Post-Valderrama, she’s now the over-exposed, newly skanked out, Hilton hanger-on that no guy in his right mind would take five to beat to. How does he sleep at night knowing he ruined an easy five year hottie like that? Hell, at least Timberlake had the decency to leave Britney still respectable. He let that trash Federline do the dirty work.

A good boyfriend will help his lady in any way he can. Did Wilmer do anything to make Mandy Moore’s career better? No… in fact, he made the shit worse. While they were together her music career went in the wet circular. She dumps his sorry sack, and now she’s a big time actress, making all sorts of cute romantic comedies. And while we can’t really blame the Love Hewitt on him, he probably didn’t help matters.

So let’s do a quick recap: he balls the A-list Maxim cover girls, screws them up, ruins their good name, and then moves on smelling like roses. Further, he has chosen not to utilize the exclusive opportunity to topline movies or produce music or whatever he wants, that is provided an actor on a hit sitcom, and instead chose to coast on a bad accent and a greased up hairdo. Has he even provided a great catch phrase? Not really. He did some good work riffing on Ashton’s “Burn”, but that’s thin. Real thin. His best work was the look of horror on his face during his episode of Punk’d. I mean, c’mon!

The bottom line is this: he may very well turn out to have some talent. But right now I just don’t see it. What I do see is a Young Hollywood schmuck who lights it up at clubs, gets printed in the tabloids next to the next it girl whoever, then shows up to That 70’s Show and phones in it. Here’s what I say to that…

Bangarang, Lohan reject!

And also… Burn!

The Search Continues: More Crap!

2004-12-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

A-Train – 2:15 a.m.

The Jay, I had to choose very carefully when I was deciding on whom to name in my first post. I had to try to pick someone equally as devoid of talent as Ashley Simpson, and that’s no easy task at all. So, after scouring my brain, I’ve found someone equally as useless. So, here goes nothing.

My First Pick: Brittany Murphy

Don’t let the amount of films this girl has done fool you. To put it plainly, she sucks. In fact, she sucks balls. Her latest misadventure had her paired opposite Ron Livingston. I’ll hold off the praise for my boy Ron until we have a most underrated celebrity in the world competition, but needless to say, he’s the shit. So, with my boy Ron at the helm, how did this film fail so miserably? I haven’t seen it, but I can tell a big ball of ass when I see a big ball of ass, and Little Black Book, that’s a big ball of ass. I’ll sum up exactly how it failed in two words: Brittany Murphy. This girl has no comedic timing and can sap the life out of any character, no matter how well written.

Exhibit A: Brittany Murphy’s “break out” role was in Clueless. First of all, she should have bailed on the project when she found out she was gonna have to share the screen with Alicia Silverstone. It just wasn’t fair. Alicia = HOT! Brittany = not so much. I know Brittany wasn’t supposed to be anything special in the movie, but come on girl. Do better. You’re supposed to be the cute new girl that’s not from around town. It’s not that hard. Anyways, onto

Exhibit B: After doing just about nothing after Clueless (wait, she was in Bongwater. Yeah, nevermind), Brittany was thrown another bone by none other than Eminem. And this wasn’t the current Eminem whose album release was just another album release; this was the Eminem who was at the heart of every controversy that was on anyone’s mind. So, Brittany Murphy gets this huge bone thrown to her, Eminem is all like, “Hey Brittany Murphy, here’s a humongous bone that’s gonna float your career and make you all famous and shit cause even though you were in Clueless and Girl Interrupted no one knows who you are.” And what did this girl do? She dropped the frickin’ bone. After the refs reviewed the play, they concluded that she did not have possession of the bone while in bounds, and the ruling on the field was overruled. No touchdown, do not pass go, do not collect $200. No one thought she was good in this movie. We weren’t sure whether we thought Eminem’s character was supposed to end up with her character, but we didn’t really care either.

So, after she gets this big part in this insanely huge, massively popular film, she goes and loses 30 pounds and gets a stylist who dyes her hair (amongst other changes). Next thing you know she’s immensely popular and a huge mega-star right? Well, not exactly. I figure she’s got about one more tragic bomb of a romantic comedy in her before people realize that she does, in fact, suck balls.

As The Jay would say, Bangarang, Uptown Whore!

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

A-Train vs. The Jay has 1,000 hits!!!

2004-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all that have read and supported this blog.

Now let's get our 2000 on!

Bangarang, 1G!

The Search For THE MOST UNTALENTED CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD!

2004-11-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

THE JAY – 11:27 p.m.

So here's the thing...

We have a lot of celebrities in this world, not all of which have any talent whatsoever. They become famous for a variety of reasons, be it chopping off their husbands penis, or being a bitch on a reality show and having a distinctive name, or even by the old fashioned method of showcasing your skills and attracting a respectable fanbase due to your body of work. But lately, with that last one, not so much.

Here at the AvsJ blogspot we revel in the stupidity for which people get elected to the seat of celebrity. It rarely bothers us that they stay in that light for a period of time, so much as they don't bug us too much with their annoyingness or gratuitousness (Paris Hilton, I'm looking right at you). Moreover, it doesn't bother us when they continually grace the covers of all those inane star obsessed magazines that line the grocery store shelves. In fact we quite enjoy InTouch Magazine, what with all it's $1.99-ness and its "Now with 60% less text, and 300% more pictures of Jessica Simpson!". Heck, it even doesn't bother us when they show up in movies or on TV, and sully the goodness of our entertainment.

What bothers us is when they stick around. If you have a skill set, and those skills relate to the business of entertainment, then by all means set up camp in my neck of the woods. But if you have no discernable talent whatsoever, beyond a quasi-pretty face and a ruthless set of parents hell bent of stealing your glory, then bitch you got to go! We have too many celebrities. And it's time we start paring down the list.

In search of this dream, Train and I are gonna count down our respective lists of the most untalented celebrities in the world. Each of us will target our own talentless ten, and then the list will get pared down to a supremely crappy group of ten worthless headcases. From there, you, the reader, will get to eliminate five of them. And finally, from the unfabulous 5, a victor will emerge. A testament to their mediocrity, their non-existent credibility, their awesomely bad badness. In short, we will all agree that they suck. And suck hard. And probably have had to suck something in order to get where they are today.

A few rules: The celebrity can be from any medium, we aren't excluding any of those worthless pop singers (more on this later), or any of those obnoxious reality "stars". However, whomever we choose must be a recognizable name; no one obscure. If they haven't been on a cover lately, released an album, shot a movie, guest starred on something, then they don't count. For example: Dustin Diamond (Screech) does not count, as he in not a celebrity by any means, and also I feel sorry for him. However, Omarosa is most definitely a celebrity, as I only had to use her first name and anyone reading this automatically A) knows who I am talking about, B) knows where they know her from, and C) hates her guts.

And finally, they have to truly be untalented. Yes, each list member is subject for debate, but really, we shouldn't have to argue too hard about it. If they've received dozens of accolades, been in great movies, even won awards and shit, than chances are they have some semblance of talent. We may not like them, but we can't deny that others may. But popularity doesn't keep them off the list. Even though many people may see their movies, buy their albums, want to have sex with them, etc., if their name is something like Ashlee Simpson, then you best believe they are making this list (again, more on this in a minute).

So, without further ado, A-Train vs. The Jay proudly presents our search for THE MOST UNTALENTED CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD.

My First Pick: Ashlee Simpson

This is an easy one. By now, we have all seen the tape. And we have all agreed that she is a nothing, a brat, a bad dancer, and most of all, very fugly. And moreover, very few of us were surprised. I was lucky enough to have watched the incident live, coincidentally watching SNL that fateful night. I watched her lip her way through Pieces of Me, a song I admit I had enjoyed up until that night. I did notice that she seemed to perform it with such ease. There was no denying it wasn't live, but I'm not bothered by that. I've watched other singers do the same thing, and have still enjoyed their "performance" (hello, Ms. Spears). But then Jude Law announced her again...

The funniest part about the whole thing is not her bad dancing, or her crying, or her ignoble blame of her poor drummer. It was when she walked off the stage, and her back up band started laughing at her. They know how bad she is, and how pathetic it is that her “talent” has been exploited. I mean, if you can't even get the support of people being PAID to support you, then something is most definitely wrong with your place in the entertainment industry.

I watched her MTV reality show and saw the episode where she couldn't hit the notes of her single during the recording session. The eventual breakdown and lip-synch-gate was basically inevitable.

The untalented ones always reveal themselves. You can only dye your hair so much, shake so many hands, blow so many A&R execs, before someone comes clean about your worthlessness. Ashlee Simpson, we hardly knew you.

For all the time I spent in my car, singing along to that addictive single. For all the face time I used up reading about your sister and how you were so so different. For all the TV time wasted on your "live" appearances. For all the bad takes I had to cross though when I was an extra on your episodes of 7th Heaven and you couldn't remember your damn lines (Which you were getting PAID to DO!). I nominate you, Ashley Simpson (cause that's how you spell that name, ass!), as one of the 20 Most Untalented Celebrities in the World. Go forth and make another hit single so that we can watch you embarrass yourself again on national television. Also, learn to dance, jackass.

Bangarang, Pieces of Me!

Tara Wins it By a Boob!

2004-11-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

A-Train - 11:45 p.m.

Lemme get this straight, The Jay: you’re gonna throw me a fat eight figure salary, a huge entourage of people who just want to be near my magical presence, and enough clout to go anywhere and do anything, and all I have to do is embarrass myself every so often? SWEET! I’m in. Where do I sign? All I know is, I’d live it up wonderfully, and it’d be very likely that E! would be airing video feeds of my bare white ass about once annually. Shiiiiiit, people make fun of me anyways. I might as well get the celebrity to go with it.

I’m not buying that Jay. Not here. I drop down my hard earned American dollars to see Will Ferrell in just about anything because I know I’m gonna laugh my ass off. I spend two hours of my life at Jerry Bruckheimer and Nick Cage films because I know that there’s gonna be stuff blown up all over the place, and it will be cool. I spend exorbitant amounts of money on concert tickets for shows like the Red Hot Chili Peppers because I know that I’m gonna rock out hardcore style. And when all these things go right, I’m taken away from the really real world for just a little while. All the crap that supposedly “really matters”, all the stuff that stresses me out, all that stuff just drops away. It’s lost and I’m able to be in another place. The people that can do this right and the people that can do this consistently are the real celebrities.

When it comes down to it, I totally agree with you on the call. Tara’s a fun and flirty party girl. It fits her persona, and it gets her face time all over the place. In the end, it’s gonna be good for her career. That, and people just love seeing boobs. I love seeing boobs. You love seeing boobs. Hell, we even love Tara’s frankenhooters that she’s got over there. What we don’t like seeing is little, whiney teenaged girls who can’t just step up to the plate and say, “I’m sorry.” I don’t pay money to see so-called celebrities blame other people. It’s like seeing the biggest guys on the basketball court complaining about every single call. You can’t have shit both ways. Grow up.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

God Makes Celebrities Special. God and the E! Network.

2004-11-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

THE JAY – 2:34 a.m.

You know, in a fair and just world there would be no celebrity. Of course in a fair and just world there would be no Reese Witherspoon. But until we get to that world, we're gonna have to find a way to thrive in this celeb-infested place we call Bush's playground of pain and political ineptitude (that one's for you anonymous comment poster turning this blog into an unnecessary political platform. What blog do you think you're on? Go HERE if you're that itchy about it).

Anyway... to be honest, I kinda like having celebrities. We mere civilians get famous people to make fun of. And oh, the fun they make!

I can't endear myself to a celebrity until they've done something phenomenally stupid. Until they have a full on public fiasco, to me, they're just another actor trying to put their boobs on the screens of internet geeks (more on this later...). Thus, I love the Paris's and the Lindsay's and the Shannon’s and all the other psychotic girls and ginormous jerk guys that populate the pages of Us, In Touch and People. So as far as the bigger celebrity fuck up is concerned, well... we're merely talking about which girl I like more now. Answers forthcoming...

1. Ashlee Simpson
This is not a fuck up. I mean, really. Everybody lip-synchs. We all know this. She's just the first in some time to be blatant about it. It didn't help matters that she is supremely unprofessional, a beyond shoddy dancer and, well... fugly. The fuck up wasn't the non-singing, or the walking off the stage; it was blaming her drummer for putting on the wrong track. Like it's his fault she can't sing? It's his fault she has little to no talent? We all knew this about her. We all saw her Mtv show where she couldn't hit the notes in the studio. This incident was a long time coming. The sad part is that she didn't just woman up and admit the fault. Had she done that, I could have respected her. Now I'm forced to mock her incessantly on my personal blog. Woot.

2. Tara Reid
How can you call this wonderful moment of frankenboobage display a "fuck up"? How, when I get so much joy out of it? When my friends can laugh together, whilst staring at the bombed out vapidity of the one time Mrs. Big Lebowski. No, this is good. This is fantastically good. It may not help her having boobs so disastrously scarred, but it will help her to land another Maxim cover. And in the end, that's what really drives her career. I bet that is we asked her what she'd rather have, a lead in a new big budget film, or the next cover of Maxim, she'd bring her own airbrush.

The thing is, her fuck up was so wildly in character that I can hardly call it a fuck up at all. She's trash. And whipping your boob out and not even knowing it is a trashy trashy thing to do. I can't hate on a girl for being who she is. Hence why I'm not commenting on the new Britney Federline era.

When weighing both incidents, I gotta come down on the side of Simpson as the bigger celebrity fuckup, solely due to her being such a douche about it. Tara just brushes it off like it's another day on the red carpet. But Ashlee had the audacity to fire the drummer who was helping her cheat the public and then offer a slew of excuses to calm the fire of SNL-gate. Gosh, at least with Tara Reid I get to look at boobs. With Ashlee Simpson, I'm still actually listening to Ashlee Simpson. This was no contest.

Bangarang, Terrrible Boob Job!

What Makes Celebrities so Special?

2004-11-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

A-Train - 3:40 p.m.

I know that this is out of order, and I know that we've got some killer discussion coming up in the future. However, I had something on my mind that is sort of an intro to our new discussion that will fit quite well, and I thought it'd be worthwhile to give our site some new life. Also, I'm looking for some of our loyal readers to drop some feedback to us. I know you're out there, and this is a perfect opportunity to let your voices be heard. So, without any further ado....

Name the bigger celebrity fuckup!

Fuckup #1: Ashlee Simpson's Saturday Night Live fiasco
We've all seen it. Many of us saw it happen live. It was a pretty ugly scene, if you ask me. I have no special love for Ashlee (without boobs like her sister, she doesn't have much to work with), but watching that made me cringe. I don't blame the girl either. She's a teenage girl. And from what little I've watched of her show, not a very mature one at that. Who expects her to know how to do simple things like sing the right song, or not dance around like an utter idiot? Her handlers need to get their shit together. I was embarrassed for this girl. If I were Ashlee, someone would get fired big time. In fact, I'd fire people that didn't even work for me. Then again, how hard is it to know which song you're singing? You have one album and only what, two singles on it? Sweet jesus.

Fuckup #2: Tara Reid showing off her new boobs to the entire red carpet
If you have any sort of admiration for Tara Reid, well first of all you should really assess why you haven't committed suicide already, but beyond that I implore you not to search the net for these pictures. They are out there, I assure you. For those that haven't yet seen them, Ms. Reid for some reason felt the need to traipse down the red carpet (of some event, it's not all that important) and give everyone in attendance and full on look at her new left hooter, implant scar and all. And the scar really is hideous. I mean, she needed some work done on those flapjacks, but she should have the money and prestige to get herself better implants than the frankenboobs that she ended up with.

You've been given the choices. Feel free to browse the net for more info if you wish, but let's hear it. Which is the bigger celebrity fuck up?

Blog's to you.

Why I Hate my Neighbors Upstairs ............... And George Lucas

2004-10-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 12:45 a.m.

You wanna know what the worst thing in the world is at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning? Your upstairs neighbors vacuuming right over your head. What makes this violation against humanity even worse is that they vacuumed at least three times on the Friday before. Someone upstairs must have OCD. They vacuum all the time. If I vacuum three times a year, I think I'm pretty ahead of the game. I'm actually kinda curious about what gets their place so fucking dirty. Maybe they run a sweatshop out of the apartment and the little workers keep dropping beads or some shit like that. Maybe they film porn up there. Nah, if I can hear the vacuum cleaner, I could certainly hear porn being filmed. Hell, I can hear porn being watched at 100 yards.

And for one more record, the "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon commercials is done with. If I see him on the street, he's a dead man.

George Lucas. What can be said? Does anyone on Earth like him? Show of hands. Anyone? Mrs. Lucas? His kids? Yeah, that's what I thought. Could you imagine what would happen if anyone remade a movie only using different actors and tweaking some scenes a little? You don't have to imagine. It was done. Psycho in 1998. And it sucked balls. Shot frame for frame exactly, and it still sucked balls. The new Star Wars DVDs are nothing short of depressing. One of my favorite scenes is when Luke lands the triple front flip off the plank over the pit, catches the light saber and proceeds to fuck up all of Jabba's shit. Now, there's a huge plant looking thing in the pit. It looks like something out of Little Shop of Horrors. Quit fucking with my fond memories Lucas!

To sum up, here's a brief list of people I'd like to kick in the nuts:
My neighbors upstairs
The Verizon Wireless guy
George Lucas
Chief Justice Rehnquist (simply cause it'd be cool to kick a Supreme Court Justice in the nuts)

Blog's to you,

A-Train

You. Yes, You! I'm looking at YOU.

2004-09-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 12:07 a.m.

“Wassup?”

That really works for you? Or that Angel dude? The last time I said wassup to a complete stranger, she wasn't exactly begging me to bed her. I don't know about your method. Or any method for that matter. I quote Jon Lennon, "I don't believe in methods, I just believe in me." Very smart. He was the walrus you know. I could have been the walrus, but it still wouldn't change the fact that I haven't met a decent girl since a certain ex-republican back in College.

And for those of you who didn't get any of what I just wrote, well, don't worry about it, I lost myself too.

I've been trying something new, just cause what else to try, right? Instead of the usual stilted visual conversation, wherein you spy a glance, then look away when she meets your gaze, then repeat the same exchange over and over again; I'm trying what I like to call "staring". Don't worry, it's not nearly as creepy as it seems. It's fairly simple, actually. I see a girl I think is pretty, and I look at her. If she catches me watching, I don't look away. I simply let her know that yes, I am looking at her. And let me tell you, it's worked a lot better than anything I else I've picked up watching Swingers for the 547th time.

The problem in the performance is that if it works properly, she will come to you. Which could prove potentially disastrous. As this happened to me a short while ago. Two semi-attractive girls sauntered drunkenly over to me and my boy Galvez and started to spit game on how they couldn't help but noticing me staring at them, yada yada yada. They proceeded to try and talk us up further, yet it was abundantly clear that they were morons. We bolted out of that shit, left them to stumble to the next poor bastard, and hit the Tivo room right quick! And that's the problem, you find a girl worth looking at, but they ain't worth salt or spit to talk at.

But who's to know what will or will not come from any try at the random female you spy across the room at a party, bar, library, orgy, etc.

And also dude, don't give advice to our readers. All seven of them. Be the shark? Be the Rated-R guy? Who talks like that? No wonder you strike out more than Sammy Sosa without his corked bat. All this time writing about trying to get chicks, instead of actually trying to get girls...it's real sad.

Bangarang, Sosa!

I’ve Lost my Mojo

2004-09-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 5:43 p.m.

While our witty banter about the state of the entertainment industry could go back and forth forever, and any of our ideas would be likely to revitalize the industry, I’m gonna take a step away from the industry and move to something a little more personal. Me. Yeah, I’m a selfish bitch, but this is my post and I’ll do what I want with it.

Read the title of the post again, cause it says it all. My mojo is gone and I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m thirteen years old all over again. Except this time I don’t have the whole bar/bat mitzvah social scene to help out my game. It’s quite depressing, frankly. I haven’t done anything more than casually date in like a year. These days, I don’t even see an end in sight. What happens when life gets like this? Am I just supposed to suck it up?

It’s time to evolve. I said it in a previous post, but I’ve got to learn how to thrive in the bar scene. It’s the only socializing that us twenty-something’s do that could actually yield the results that we’re looking for. However, I’m not going into this blind. I’ve got a guidebook from a very successful guy that I know. Hence forth, I’m putting into effect the “Jason Angel Pick-Up Method”.

“What is the Angel Pick-Up Method?” you ask. Good question. First off, I must say that I’m using a modified model of the Method. The original Method entails dropping your standards to a below sea-level range. This, I’m not willing to do. Fuck that. Anyways, you spot your target from across the bar or what have you, and make the approach. The initial approach is simple. “Wassup?” Or, if you’re pressed for time, a simple “Sup?” will suffice. From there it’s easy; you just ask the girl (or girls) questions. Repeatedly. Questions about anything and everything. What they say is of little real relevance other than the fact that it leads to more questions. And when the girl asks questions about you, your response is of equally little relevance. I’m not a big fan of lying to girls, but get creative with your responses. Don’t be the boring run of the mill guy. “I want you to be the guy in the Rated-R movie. The one you’re not quite sure where he’s coming from.”

It’s time to be a bull with the ladies. Just charge away and figure things out later when the dust settles. Better yet, go at the ladies like a shark. Like a shark named Pepé. “La ola es mia. The wave is mine.” And the truth is that no one really wants to fight the shark, even if they do want to fight for the wave. So, to our seven loyal readers, go forth and be the shark. Make the wave yours. “Cause it’s your dog.”

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Fine, we'll just make everything suck, then!

2004-09-03T02:47:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 2:47 a.m.

Good post, nice points. I'll tackle each argument one at a time. I'm being brief on this one. Something I'm working on.

Quick response, followed by a longer answer forthwith. Who would judge what product is worth what amount? You'd be creating an entertainment caste system that has no judge or jury. You would also be boxing out possible surprisingly good films. As expected, I have a much wittier, much better idea...

1. How to solve market saturation?
The answer is basically a modified, flipped over version of your plan. Create a price plan that is universal. Make opening night exceedingly cheap for every movie. As the films plays week to week, the price of a ticket increases. This works to reward quality films that are well liked by the public. Blockbusters with great special effects and lousy stories would open small, and flame out quickly. By capping the first week box office, it would affect the film itself. Most likely, we would come to see a decreased percentage of films tailored to a quick fix. I'm thinking of films like Catwoman, Planet of the Apes or any of those Jerry Bruckheimer/ Nicolas Cage action movies. Conversely, we would see more higher quality films, due to increased pressure to deliver a film people will not only like, but will agree to pay more for, the longer they wait to see it.

It's the same method used for home video. When a DVD is first released it is priced on sale. You can never find that DVD for as good a price, unless you go to Amoeba. As the weeks go on, and other DVD's come out, the sale ends and the price goes up. Now the consumer must choose whether or not the film is important enough to pay more for; a great test of the longevity and overall quality of a film.

If we are talking about making all films equal in the eyes of the movie going public, it's time to bring everyone to the same level. Here's my financial proposal:

Week 1: Price - $4.00
Week 2: Price - $5.00
Week 3: Price - $6.00
Week 4: Price - $7.00
Weeks 5 - Through the end of the run, all best are off. Theaters may customize their price.

As of August 31st, the average motion picture makes more than 60% of its total gross from the opening weekend. And the average drop-off for a summer blockbuster is near 55%. Since we all know that the opening weekend numbers are what determines the "success" of the film, then cap that number and give all movies a true test. This way Garden State has just as much a chance to succeed as the latest Cruiser flick. It's time to judge not by the size of the budget, but by the size of its greatness.

2. Should actors be made to work Pro-Bono
They had this method before, it was called the studio system. And it was also called a modified legal version of indentured servitude. Again, you're talking about creating a caste system that would have definitive boundaries, as opposed to the current unofficial A-list/ B-List nonsense. Your argument being that when a star reaches a certain level of acclaim and celebrity they are therefore obligated to do a certain amount of free work. But who decides when an actor hits that stature? More and more these days we have fake stars. Actors who do one successful film and are anointed the next big thing (I'm looking at you Kate Hudson), then are quickly given huge summer movies with their name above the titles, thereby making them a full-fledged "star". But it's all bullshit.

Further, forcing actors- who, by the way, may not even have the chops for indie films- to make movies for free, hurts the creative process. Who's to say that they won't just half ass their way through a budding director's first film? I would rather see Ashton Kutcher risking his ass in The Butterfly Effect (which was a small film), then to see Brad Pitt slumming it in Snatch.

Besides, I like the idea that some actors can't choose movies to save their lives. Gives me an easier time in deciding who I like and don't like. If every actor who hit a predetermined level of fame were forced by SAG to do run the same career path would take the fun out of ripping Freddie Prinze Jr. for his latest failed RomCom.

A-Train, things ain't perfect. Your argument was to create a more civilized, utopian Hollywood. but it's not gonna happen. I'd rather have it be chaotic, and thus a more suitable environment for greatness and crapola at equal levels, then to blandize all of the entertainment industry because for some products it's just not fair. Fuck fair. Bring on the crappy movies, and bring on the great ones. I'll decide who and what to spend my money on.

Bangarang, Pimpjuice!

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

2004-08-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 10:43 a.m.

The Jay, you and your bro bring up some good points again. Throw me in with the optimists that are waiting for Hollywood to purge itself of the meaningless crap and contrived personalities through which we now have to suffer. However, I think of myself as somewhat more of a realist than an optimist. And, as a realist, I gotta think that it’s gonna take quite a while for things to clean themselves out. Hollywood moves in cycles, but the cycles take a long time to come around. It’s gonna take a while before everything comes full circle. We’re bringing up a whole generation of kids on corporation created stars whose only semblances of personality are created in a think-tank.

MH1’s point of actors lacking creativity is totally correct. However, I think they need to start looking at the totality of their careers with a little more creativity, which is possible even for them. All too often, actors think only about the short term. How much money they’re making and in what direction their career is heading. Yes, career direction is short term. Allow me to explain. If you’re an actor, and you’re only concerned with career direction, you’re missing the big picture. The big picture is the total opus of work that makes up your filmography when all is said and done. The greats have an opus that reaches far and wide into various genres and styles.

Look at my boy De Niro. He’s done it all. From drama, to comedy, to horror; the man has range, and it’s undeniable. In addition, he picks good roles and good scripts regardless of the genre. Want a younger example? Check out Edward Norton. His resume goes all over the place. Even if you think some of his movies sucked and even if you think he sucked in some of his movies, I dare you, I double dare you; I defy you to question the balls that this guy has in making his movie choices. If he’s going for a role, he’s got a piece of work that can show why he’s the best for the part. His opus is filling out nicely, and in twenty years he’s still gonna be doing it better and cleaner than the other guys. This is what an actor needs to focus on when choosing scripts. One movie ain’t gonna make or break anything, but an actor’s career is gonna be summed up by the whole list of movies he or she has chosen.

And for one more record, the golden rule in law school is to not read Bill Simmons from ESPN’s Page 2 during class. There is a 100% chance that something contained in one of his articles will strike you as funny. If you can’t stifle the laugh, you’re going to have some serious explaining to do. No, this didn’t actually happen to me, but the thought did cross my mind, and it scared me.

But, in reading your and MH1’s post, I came across an interesting proposal. It revolves around the ever increasing price of a night at the movies. Perhaps the problem is that when carving up the Hollywood pie, each piece is the same size. I’m of the mind that many independent filmmakers would be willing to forego some of the monetary gross of the film in exchange for a greater exposure. Imagine if theaters adjusted prices for films in order to max out capacity. Opening night might run you around $20. However, on the flip side, prices would come down as the movies aged. In addition, the lesser known, lesser advertised flicks would be a veritable bargain. Budding filmmakers would be able to get their visions shown to a vast new audience. Perhaps then people will have seen all of the current year’s best movie nominees rather than the most recent generic knock-off. It would be an interesting way for the industry itself to shift the way people spend their entertainment dollars.

Maybe a solution would be to require a certain amount of “pro-bono” work for actors. Lawyers are expected to donate of their time and skill to the less fortunate. The Screen Actors’ Guild could start mandating that for every few studio flicks you do, you’re required to donate your time and expertise to writers, producers and directors that haven’t yet gotten the breaks that you have. Maybe then some of the quieter, yet still wholly original and new, voices would be able to find their ways to bigger stages. Big name Hollywood actors love to donate to charity (perhaps to get their names in the press, but I’m not gonna judge here), but perhaps they’d be more enthusiastic to help out their chosen industry. This idea could also conceivably up the quality of so called “indie” films. With the prospect of a big name player choosing to do your film, you’re gonna have to come with your absolute A game. Nothing less.

As the well known modern philosopher Homer Simpson said (and you quoted so aptly): “Everything works in theory.”

In the end, everyone is a salesperson. Actors sell themselves, be it their ability, their image, or their name. Agents sell their actors. Writers sell their ideas. And directors sell their visions. Hollywood is just one big brothel where everyone pimps themselves out to the best of their abilities. But, this is life. Everyone is selling something. When you hit on a girl, you’re selling yourself. When you take tests or write papers in school, you’re selling your mind. Life is all about who can outpimp everyone else. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the way it is. People have said that you shouldn’t hate the player, but you can hate the game. Personally, I think you can go ahead and hate the players, the game, the refs, the league, the fans, whatever. Hate everyone if you want. Just understand that this is the way the game goes and you either play, or you get left behind in the dust. Up your pimpin’ skills and quit bitchin’.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Proof That Genius is Hereditary...

2004-08-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 12:47 a.m.

I get what you're saying about everybody having a flop sooner or later. You're correct in that there is too much product to market these days. And that results in an abundance of mediocre entertainment, as opposed to a limited amount of higher quality entertainment. It's reminds me of the theory that the NBA would be better off if we contracted three or four of the consistently terrible franchises. Then you hold a supplemental draft and like that, each remaining franchise is one to two more stars deep. The result being a greater depth of talent on each team, and presumably, better basketball. Like the great Homer Simpson said... "This works in theory. Everything works in theory. Communism worked... in theory..." The problem is that there are too many good basketball players in the world. And contraction would mean not having enough space for our athletes to compete.

Similarly, there are too many filmmakers, writers and actors et al that are trying to carve a piece of the Hollywood pie. I don't want to take the chance that by limiting the market for entertainment, that we, the general public, are missing out on the occasional gem of a flick. It’s not about stopping going to the movies all together. It's about being more selective with how we spend our money. By refusing to go see the new Ashton Kutcher flick, causing it to bomb, sends the signal to the higher ups that he is not a bankable star, shouldn’t be given star vehicles and thus preventing further Ashton damage.

The inherent problem in that assumption is that by my knowing his name, I have already set his star in motion. Only stars can “open” movies. And when I say open, I mean worldwide. Hollywood blockbusters make more than half their box office overseas, so the point of the publicity machine is not in creating hit movies, but in creating international name recognition through its domestically bred stars. This is the reason that Stallone was allowed to continue making sub par action movies well into the mid 90's. Though each one snagged progressively less coin at the box office, overseas the films were thriving. So if you ask yourself why certain stars continually show up to suck in blockbuster movies, well, there's your answer. Some scmhuck in Indonesia has a shrine to Brittany Murphy and will pay to see her movies over and over again. Damn Indonesians, with their bad tastes.

Let me bring this argument full circle, by responding to your disagreement with my Halle Berry commentary. Stars run the system. It is their choices that bankroll films. It is their choices that affect other films that will go into production. A star can make a filmmaker’s career, or derail it before it even begins.

I think we can both agree that our stars aren't smart enough to choose the right scripts, but I'm beginning to think we're looking at this from the wrong angle. Maybe it's not that they picking the bad scripts by accident, but that they are doing it on purpose. I thought it might be interesting to bring in an outside opinion. So, to prove that genius does run in the family, check out what my big bro had to say about the star system. MH1, take it away...

"Obviously, [these] actors have no idea what their script choices are doing to Hollywood. It seems like its one brainless Ashton movie followed by another, or maybe if we're lucky it'll be another Cinderella flick starring Hillary duff, or that new red head (Lindsay Lohan), or another pre teen soon to be has been or was who. My feeling is that Hollywood is an endless repetition of chances. These actors are not built to fend for themselves. If they had the creativity, they would be doing autobiographies instead of fiction. Anyone who spends there life imitating true and false stories not there own is living without inspiration.

What we see in the trends of Hollywood is that a visionary will come along and put a new type of flick out there. If it catches on, ten rip offs will follow. If this year it’s epics, we'll see more Troys, Gladiators, and other such flicks. Maybe it will be the war stories... (i.e. anything recent from hanks), soon to be followed by a HBO miniseries. I find myself going a little out of order, but you get what I mean. The truly great ones put out their own ideas. Perhaps Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) or M. Night continue with the same actors and different plots with the same results, but it works for them. What I want to really get across is that if an actor or actress would use their heads and pick scripts that they'd like to be remembered for, we'd have more of the Godfather’s, Scarface’s, and Austin Powers flicks and less of the crap that sits on blockbusters' shelves night after night."

Well said, bro. In the end, for all you optimists out there, in Hollywood, eventually, the cream will rise to the top. There are smart actors out there. And that select group is making dynamic and risky films with their choices. I'm with MH1 all the way in hoping that more stars pick roles with their hearts and not with their wallets, but it seems as if we may have to purge ourselves of the current crop of up and coming "movie stars", and start over with a smarter group of characters actors that don't care about being the first to the cover of US Magazine. Instead they should strive to built an oeuvre of films that will be looked upon in the years to come not as an avenue to make oneself hurl, but to view and admire. Here's to hoping...

Bangarang, MH1!

May the Flop (not) Be With You

2004-08-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 12:03 a.m. (Eastern, weak)

First off The Jay, I’m gonna give a little response to the first couple of points you made in the last entry. When someone you care about is in a bad relationship, or you hate their significant other, you tell them. No need to make a big thing about it, but let them know that you’re looking at his or her life and wishing nothing but the best for them. Shit, people have done it to me for years. And it makes me acutely aware of which people in my life are closest to and care the most about me. The people who sat back and never asked why I was with a particular person or why I let a certain relationship go down the road that it was on are the people who make up my past. Those who questioned my motives (and occasionally my sanity) are the people who still question them to this day. None of these people ever got in the way of what I wanted to do (whether it was in my own best interest at the time or not), but they would bring up concerns when they had any. So go ahead and ask your friends why they’re dating the idiot that they are. Go ahead and ask why they’re in that long distance relationship with the convicted felon. The answer that you get may surprise you, but at the very least, you will have shown that person that you care about them.

Also, I’m not so sure where exactly you were going with the whole Hall of Fame analogy. Are you saying that after I’m dead and my dating days are far behind me I’ll be able to decide which of the girls that I’ve dated meant the most to me? I don’t know if I like that. Plus, you’ve gotta go with what’s right for you now. A girl that you dated in high school may have been exactly what you needed at that time in your life, but that doesn’t mean that she fits into your life in any capacity later on. However, is that to say that her role in your life takes a backseat to the girl you dated in college? Or the girl that you end up marrying? I’d like to believe not.

The Jay, when it comes to Hollywood, anyone can have a flop. It’s a fact. People who only make great movies are one in a trillion, if that. Take George Lucas. The man has just about as much clout as anyone in the movie industry and he’s flopped his entire career. Most of the people who are going to see Episode III are gonna walk into the theatre expecting the worst. The only question is going to be, “how much is this going to suck?”

You spent a good deal of words lamenting the sadness that was Catwoman (and for what it’s worth to everyone that saw it, I told you so). But, the real issue (as you put it) is: How is it possible? The answer is that everyone has different tastes. It’s becoming abundantly clear to me that there just isn’t any accounting for tastes. Example: How is it that the two proprietors of this very site walk out of Collateral supremely satisfied at a job well done by all parties involved, while the two friends that accompanied us felt the movie to be so bad that they had to rip on it for the entire way home? This is no small disagreement. Its two opposite ends of the spectrum in one group of very similar people. Also, how is it that everyone enjoyed The Bourne Supremacy? I don’t fucking get it. Could no one else see the vast similarities between its camerawork and editing, and those of the fucking Blaire Witch Project? Were people too focused on Pig Boy’s snout to see the insane shakiness that accompanied every cool fight or chase scene?

As for Catwoman, there were a few power players involved in that deal. All it took was for a couple of them to think it was a good idea, and a couple of “yes men” to convince the others and help push it through. If Halle Berry reads the script and loves it, is her agent going to tell her no? Even if he thinks that the script sucks more ass than anything he’s ever read before? Fuck no. He knows that when she films this piece of crap, he’s collection his 15% or so right off the top. And his percentage is nice. Puts his kids through college, gets braces for the dog, and buys whatever shiny penismobile he so desires. In the end, the majority of the fault can be placed on two groups: stupid people with too much power and influence, and smart people who only care about the money and keeping the stupid people happy.

Damn, Jay, I just had an epiphany of sorts. I’m reading your post over and generating some responses, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. There is just too much market these days. In everything. In entertainment especially, there are just too many of us damn consumers that are throwing around our movie dollars willy-nilly. There is too much profit out here in the world to be had for people to only make the good ideas. In sports, there is just too much profit to be had to only have great players in the league. People have found it acceptable to pay top dollar for mediocre product. It’s why we get more teams like the Royals than the Yankees. It’s why we get way more Punishers and Catwomen than anything else. Maybe we should blame inflation. Maybe we should blame ourselves. I don’t know what the cause of this overexpansion of the market is, but it’s leading to far too much shitty product. It’s important to have standards.

However, this business of too much market is a double-edged sword. While we end up getting plenty of craptacular products, we also open up the doors for the breakout stars. You don’t have to put $100 million into a movie for it to be seen by millions of people. Independent film thrives on this expanded market. Without such a market, the entire indie movement might shrivel up and die. Another point: are we just going to not go to the movies? If we withhold the almighty dollar from all but the most deserving films, how are we to know which the greats are and which are the underachievers? Should we not go see the big budget movies just because they have the farthest to fall for a flop? Should we only see the independent films because they have the most upside potential? I don’t know the answer. All I know is that Collateral kicked ass and The Bourne Supremacy didn’t come close to living up to its expectations. Blog’s to you,

A-Train

And for one more record, this post was put up in way less time than either of your last two. And you didn't move across the country or take a standardized test either.

Nobody Knows Anything, Especially Halle Berry!

2004-08-04T02:40:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 2:38 a.m.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are some important things I've learned since coming up to the pros:

- If you have a friend who is in a bad relationship, there is no need to let that person know. Trust me, they know. Who wants to admit that they're on a losing team? Nobody, and the critics don't help, because if the good player on the team moves on to a better organization and they go deep into the playoffs, the critic’s gonna end up with his foot wedged firmly in his mouth.

- If you have a friend who's significant other everybody hates, this doesn't necessarily make the relationship a bad idea. I used to think that if all your friends hate your significant other, then you should take a moment to reflect on the fact that everybody who cares about you thinks you've chosen poorly. But I learned recently that the flipside to that coin is just as valid. It's very possible that they are with this bad person for a reason. I don't hang out with stupid people. So why would I presume to think they've made a stupid decision? Things aren't always as they seem. So button your talk hole. After all, if things are as they seem, then see above.

- At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what she looks like, the clothes she wears, the car she drives, her manners, her hygiene, her laughter, her sense of humor, her promiscuity; all that matters is that she takes the time to compliment your Wang as much as reasonably possible. Can we really ask for anything more as men? I thought not.

- Finally, there is long lasting loyalty in sports, I just forgot what form it takes. So many baseball players get traded from their prime franchise. The franchise they are so intensely associated with. No-Mah is a prime example. But I forgot this one fact: if a player is inducted into the hall of fame, he can decide which hat to wear on his bronze bust. So when Clemens gets in first ballot, he's gonna have four teams to choose from. And that's when we'll know who he truly cares about. Relationships are the same way. When the time comes, how you really feel about the girls or guys in your past, the winner will emerge. Whether or not this is "the one", is not my place to say. But it says a lot about how you live your life, and how you suffer the consequences of your actions.

Alright, let's get down to business...

So I saw Catwoman. Yes, you read that right. No, I'm not proud of it. And to answer your question, yes it's a big ball of ass. Let's move on to the point. The movie got me wondering about how this industry chooses its product. Obviously nobody knows anything, or we wouldn't have so much crap reaped upon us. Or Josh Hartnett. But when a movie star with clout and heft chooses to do a particular movie it says something about the quality of the project. I'll give you that occasionally actors take jobs for money, which is why we get shite like Daddy Day Care. That's fair, actors gotta eat, too. But you read the script, right? You must know its bad, right?

I just don't understand why there aren't more good movies coming out of the studios. They have all the money in the world, the best people in each position, and still its crap. If you're Halle Berry how are you okaying the Catwoman costume? How are you okaying the casting of Sharon Stone as your villain? How are you not bringing in better writers to fix the shitty script? You've been in good movies before; you know what they read like.

How is it possible that a movie like this gets released as is? The dailies come in every day, the script pages keep getting approved. It's not as if a corporation as large as AOL Time Warner just forgot to check up on the quality of their $100 Million Dollar investment. It's a mystery, really. Because this will go on until film is no more. If I knew the answer I would be a lot more successful. Buckets of “yes man” can't be responsible for this. Bad judgment and lack of foresight can't be entirely blamed, either. Just mind boggling. We really need to dig into this phenomenon.

And it's the same way in most industries; sports and sex aren't excused. How do the Lakers sleep at night, giving their 5 slot to Vlade the Flop? How do the Suns justify giving sixty plus million to an aging, slow Canadian who won't be able to give them more than 25 minutes a game? In another league, how does Nick Carter really think it's a good idea to date Paris Hilton? He's seen the porno, right? And you're honestly telling me that Britney is right in the head, marrying some bum background dancer with two kids and no savings account? Who's to blame for all this stupidity? They ain't blinded by love. Kevin Federline isn't even a third rate Justin Timberlake. Britney must know this.

I'm so hornswoggled by some of the head-scratchingly stupid things that make headlines in this country. It would seem to me that the entertainment industry is made up mostly of people trying to protect the image of their product, whatever the product may be. So when you put high quality actors with a visionary director and a talented writer, how is it that we get The Punisher more often than we get Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or Before Sunset?

Maybe in the end it's just like anything else. Sports, relationships, movies, TV shows, etc. You put a group of people in a room, lock it, leave them there for a while, take a deep breath and hope something good walks out the door. If it does, your only job is not to fuck it up too badly; if nothing good comes out then send it straight to cable, or to the minors, or to the curb. No one wants to be saddled with a project or a partner that they resent. Resentment is the death knell for creativity. But whatever you do, heed this advice: if the geeks say your product sucks, then it sucks. Period. Don’t even try to argue with them, because you can’t win. They can smell a rat, or a Batman and Robin, a mile away. Either go big or go home. But never, under any circumstances, go with Josh Hartnett. Thus endeth the lesson. Blog’s dismissed.

Bangarang, Selina Kyle!

Screw it, I’m Outta Here!

2004-07-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

A-Train – 12:45 a.m.

The Jay, you brought up the Lakers. I’m gonna talk about them for just one minute here since I think we’ve got a good theory going and I want to get back to it. But, I’m going to talk about the Lakers for a moment, and I’m going to try not to let emotion get the better of me. Wait. Fuck that. My emotion is running rampant and I’m gonna vent a little. They had to trade Shaq, and that sucks. He demanded the trade so what are you gonna do? Do you want to be the one to tell the seven-foot-one, 350 pound man that you’re not going to give him the trade that he asked for? I sure as hell don’t. But, you don’t have to go and get Brian Grant, Lamar Odom, and Caron Butler for him. I’d be impressed if the three of them combined averaged the same amount of points and rebounds as Shaq does this year. I mean, it took L.A. years to get Odom’s pothead ass out of the city, and now we bring him right back.

And, on that note, who the fuck decided that it would be a good idea to bring Vlade back to L.A.? Is there one person in this city (Laker-haters exempted), one single, solitary person, who thought that this would be a good idea? He’s a seven-foot-one, Serbian joke. He can’t score, he can’t rebound, and his idea of defense is falling over and bitching to the refs. Check his stats: the guy has had just one season where he’s averaged better than 15 points a game, and only three seasons where he averaged over 10 rebounds. I’m not saying that I’d do any better in the NBA, but he’s a fucking center. He’s over seven feet tall. The guy sucks. Period. It is an incontestable fact.

I’ve been a Lakers fan since birth. Some of my first basketball memories are the Showtime Lakers going back to back in the Eighties. Shit, A.C. Green works out at the same gym as me. A.C. Green! How can you not like that guy? But, my love for the Lakers is fading fast. They’re just acting like they no longer want to win. They put together a team of hall of famers last year, not just all-stars, but straight up hall of fame caliber players. And lost. Yeah, they went to the finals. Nice work. Way to go. You lost, and we will accept no excuses. Now, we're left with Kobe. Should Kobe go to jail, what kind of team will L.A. fans have to cheer for? Harsh. I’m not gonna be around for most of this season, so I’m giving them a year to fix some shit. After this year, I’m going to reevaluate my loyalties to the team. Go Blue Devils! Okay, that was a first, but I think I can roll with it.

And for one more record, I like Bad Boys II and The Saint as much as the next guy (okay, I probably like them far more than the next guy), but they don’t have to be run six times daily, every single day (if you have DirecTV, you know what I’m sayin’).

The Jay, I think I see part of our problem. It wasn’t so clear before, but I’m beginning to see the light. The problem is that we haven’t been playing in the big dance before now. We’ve done a little college ball, and even some semi-pro, but we are just now getting to the pros. Finally, we’ve hit the big leagues. It dawned on me while I was reading your previous post about the one that got away. I’m reading your post, enjoying the sentimentality because I too am a romantic at heart, and it’s at this point that I realize you’re talking about a high school girl.

Think about this for a moment or two. Think about your opinion of high school girls now. Just because we were in high school at the time and didn’t have the good sense to know any better, doesn’t mean that high school girls weren’t the same then as they are now. As fondly as you look back on your high school relationships (and you have no reason not to), you’re gonna have to accept the fact that they were just that, high school relationships. There’s a reason that people distinguish them as such. They’re just not the big leagues. It’s high school, and high school is just the tryouts for college.

Then we did the college thing. There’s a huge reason as to why there’s a big deal being made about young people going to the NBA and NFL straight out of high school or with only a year or two of college; college is a great time to learn. Not just classroom shit, not just sports, but it’s a time to learn how to grow up and be part of society. Now, we’ve got more mature relationships. We come and go as we please. We don’t talk on the phone with our significant other every day. And we generally have a more mature outlook on the whole male-female interaction. You meet more people than in high school, there are more hook-ups, and relationships are more intense than before. And it’s not just the guys. Girls too can use college to figure things out. Who here really thinks that a teenaged girl has any idea what she’s looking for in a long term relationship? Precisely.

But, college still ain’t the real thing. I wasn’t gong around looking for long term relationships. I wasn’t thinking marriage. In fact, I’m still not. But, I feel that I’ve been through the stupid high school relationships. And now I’ve been through enough college hook ups, casual flings, and relationships to know that what came before wasn’t the real deal. Everything that came before was prelude to what really matters. I may not be looking for that big deal that will last me the rest of my career, but I feel like I’m ready to start playing for a team that will appreciate me enough to give me some minutes. I may not be getting the long term contract, which is perfectly okay by me at this point, but I’m confident that I’ve got the skills to contribute.

In addition, now that I’ve got some confidence from my experiences, I can shop myself around a little. I’m not just looking for a team that’s going to give me some serious minutes. I’m looking for a team that has some quality to it already; a team that I can step into and take into the playoffs. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to look around the league and see where I fit. If I can find a team with some potential, I may just go ahead and sign that short term contract. I’ll give the team some time to see if we can get into the playoffs, and perhaps even the finals. I’ve been through a little of life, and I know what I’ve got to offer. I know my strengths and weaknesses and where I have room to improve. Now, I’m gonna go out and find a team that can use a player of my caliber.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Don't Bash The Management! Even if she sucked...

2004-07-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 2:17 a.m.

The thing is... athletes put all their efforts into their game. The transcendent ones can take their sport to a higher plane; they can make it into an artform. Can we really call Michael Jordan a basketball player, the same way we call the token white guy on the bench of the Bucks, one? It's the same way for relationships. The romantics, myself included, put all we have into the other person. Into the partnership. Into the team. The guy in it just for sex, or the girl in it just for the car or cable, has to be docked some form of penalty points. They couldn’t care less how the relationship works. They’re in it for the money, sex and drugs. They don’t care who the other person is, as long as someone is cutting the check. It's why I think sex and sports run so parallel. For some it's a central pre-occupation, for others a mere hobby. But we all like to play, and we all aspire to be better, whatever the game may be.

My theory does have flaws. Like you said, a player wanting to move to a championship team, but the current team wants to keep him. Well, in any relationship, one person likes the other more. That's just how it is. What saddens me about sports is that players get traded to other teams and leave little trace of their previous existence. Aside from certain circumstances, your average player gets traded and the only remnant is a vintage jersey on eBay. But maybe that's the way relationships are. There are girls in my past that have barely left a mark. No pictures, or movie stubs, or the like. Only memories, like faded SportsCenter highlights. Then other girls still hold tangible places in my heart, the same way Karl Malone will always be remembered in Utah, or Joe Montana in San Francisco. Girls who have boxes with their names on them in my closet.

On a related note, I gotta comment on the Lakers for a minute. In the grand scheme of things, the Lakers just made a decision of biblically bad proportions. Akin to Billy Bob letting Angelina go, or Heath Ledger breaking up with Naomi Watts to hang with Jen from Dawson's Creek. You just don't let Shaq go. And you don't choose a moody, depressive, ego-maniac, loner and possible rapist, to lead your team. It's like choosing to break up with a Supermodel to date that manic Goth chick with the big tits and loose attitude towards sex. It's just a bad decision.

Let me provide an allegory. I went through a similar quandary back in my high school days. I was dating this fantastic girl who made me laugh, was a great kisser, and best of all, was not dangerous.   Then this other girl comes along. We'll call her Heather. And she's all over me, giving me the mad moves. She's dunking on the opposition. I start looking her way. And now I gotta choose. On one hand, I have this great girl who will only make me better, and on the other hand, I got a girl with a potentially higher upside, puts out more, but is way out of control. Guess who I chose? And guess who subsequently cheated on me a week later? And guess who I pined over for the next year? To take a page from the Sports Guy, the lesson as always, I'm an idiot.

Shaq will take over the Eastern Conference. Kobe won't pull the Lakers higher than the eighth seed. Kobe will tear his team apart.   And Shaq will spend the next five years making Dwayne Wade the best player in the League. You just don't give up the best player your league has seen since MJ. You just don't. The Lakers are gonna pine for Shaq, mark my words. Before I get back on track, let me throw a shout out to Christina Price. I'm sorry kid, you were the one and I didn't know it.

Anyway...

I can't possibly comment on all the issues you brought up, BUT, I'll try to hit a few of the more important ones.  I was looking at my theory from a male point of view, but the girl side takes things in a whole other direction. What rates them higher as a rookie, the boob size, the look of the backside, the sexual promiscuity or the personal hygiene? I imagine the female rookie rates higher than the man, one on one. A nice car doesn't really outrank a beautiful C-cup, does it? The tatas will always get picked first, except in rare instances. Like a young Hollywood actor, or a real life Zach Morris.

As far as the player wanting to move on, well that gets answered in an abstract way. Relationships teach people to be better at relationships. The next one, in theory, is always supposed to be a better performance, because you've learned from past mistakes. A player wanting to sign with a championship team when the present team is still working, well... you gotta know when to move on. When you know your team just isn't gonna win, you gotta bounce. Hence Jon Gruden leaves the Raiders, only to win the next year with the Bucs; or Dylan choosing Kelly over Brenda.

The vouching problem is easy. It all relates to the old maxim: everything ends badly, or else it wouldn't end. If you tear a girl up, she won't be giving her friends a good review. But if you treat the break-up with the respect the relationship deserves, that honors the time you spent together, then your new team will get a great recommendation from your past employers. In the end, just don’t bash the management, no matter how badly they hurt you, or gypped you on your contract.

It's sex and sports, and it all relates. Someone is always getting hurt. Someone is always looking to better their position, and cash in for the highest value. Putting together a winning team is always a combination of chemistry, physicality, brains and heart. Any three will make for a good relationship; any two is a recipe for great sex. But if you get all four, you may find yourself on a classic club; one that stands the test of time. The 96 Yankees, the 86 Mets, the 78 Steelers, myself and my last girlfriend. It's all relative. Just make sure to play safe.

It's all fun and games till someone gets a ball in their eyes.

Bangarang, Heather Maez!

Sex and Sports? I'll be the DH!

2004-07-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 3:30 P.M.

The Jay, you've done some good work here. There are a lot of quality ideas. However, I'm gonna talk sports for just a second here (just skip this first paragraph if you just want to get to the sex talk). The lack of loyalty in sports is just awful. What's wrong with a loyal fan being able to cheer for the same players year after year? What happens to all the loyal Lakers fans that shelled out way too much money for an official Shaquille O'Neal jersey? I'm sure Mitch Kupchak isn't about to give them their money back. There's no such thing as a franchise player any more, and it depresses me.

Now, on to more important matters. The idea of a Collective Dating Agreement. Hmmm. It's a good one. I like it. I hate it. I'm torn, frankly. On the one hand, everyone would get what he or she deserved; but on the other hand, everyone would get what he or she deserved. Your stats would speak for you and nothing else. I'm not so sure if I like that, but let's give it a little thought.

First off, not every rookie in sports starts off with the same wage. The difference between the base salary for a rookie and the top salary available for a first year player is something like eight to one. Are we gonna keep this facet, with the idea being that a higher rated rookie would get a better starting off point? Or, is every rookie gonna start off with the same pay rate? Is there a LeBron James of the dating world? You mentioned a lot of qualities that may initially attract someone to a member of the opposite sex, but these qualities yield little to no information on whether or not someone would make a good significant other.

Then, there's another concern. Who's the management and who's the talent in the dating world? It may seem somewhat arbitrary, but these distinctions must be made. Each side has different attributes with which to bargain. Also, each side has different ideas of what characteristics make each attribute positive, and even which attributes matter most. In reality, both sides have certain skills and both sides have a position that they're looking to fill. In addition, it would be hard to give quantitative values to all the various attributes. Would a car less than three years old command a premium of at least a C cup? Or would a C cup figure be able to demand that the car be foreign as well? We would need one hell of a commissioner to make sure that no one (or everyone, depending on how you like it) gets screwed. "Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?"

Now, once we've gotten into and through the first "season", what attributes differentiate the All Star from the bench-rider? If I'm not getting my contract renewed by my current team, will the team vouch for my ability to succeed in the future? For some reason, teams only seem interested these days when you're already playing for another team. Somehow, it seems like people are bound to be disappointed anyways. Say you go through your first six month contract and things go well enough that you get the six month extension. Now, you've been with your team for a year and you've done some good work. You've shown that you know how to work hard, and your potential isn't going to go to waste. Here's the problem: you're looking to move on to a championship quality team, but your old team wants to keep you. Either way, someone's still gonna be let down.

Your theory shows a lot of promise The Jay, but there are still a lot of concerns. Come back at me with your thoughts on the issues I've raised. Blog's to you,

A-Train

Sex and Sports: The Ultimate Convergence

2004-07-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 5:47 p.m.

You know what I love about sports? The complete lack of loyalty. Gone are the days when an athlete would spend his entire career with one team. These days, anyone with a pound of cash and a through line to good blow can sign a marquee star. Hell, contracts don't even seem to matter anymore. Nothing is sacred. You can be traded, signed, waived, DL'ed, sent down to the minors, extended, suspended, fined and released, all with no apparent rules or guidelines. And with most of the major sports adopting some version of a Collective Bargaining Agreement, for the first time ever, athletes have a pay scale relative to their performance, longevity, experience and success. For example, not every NBA team can sign Shaq because he's been in the league for too long and paid too much. He is owed a cap number higher than most big and small market teams can afford. In laymen's terms, he's had such a high level of success that he's basically priced himself out of the league.

Most would agree that this new pay scale is a good thing. As long as you put in the time and effort, your industry is required to compensate you an equivalent sum. Fantastic idea! Now, here's the thing... what if we moved this business mold into the world of dating?

I'm talking about a Collective Dating Agreement. Here's how it could work: when a guy or girl enters the dating world they are a rookie. They may even have a great scouting report; some quality high school relationships, above average car/ clothes/ hair. He may even have some money. Irregardless, he's only owed rookie wages, which means bad dates, skanky hook-ups, suspect bumps and rashes, and the occasional great significant other or amazing sexual experience. So the rookie does well, shows some promise, and after a couple of relationships, its time to sign a mid sized, multi year contract. It's time for the first serious relationship...

Both sides of the deal hope for the best; sign up for a three year deal, worth an undisclosed amount of head, free movies, vacations and other intangibles. And the deal is signed and approved by the Commissioner. Couple years go by and the relationship was a success. Turns out our rookie is beginning to show All-Star abilities. Great cross-over dribble and a wicked date dunk. It's all going well, until... injuries. Or, in this case, a drunken hook-up with a random. The relationship begins to sour. She refuses to offer him an extension. It's time for our rookie to opt out of the contract and test the free agent waters.

The season is over, the contract expires, and our man plays the field. Several “teams” court him, offer him deals, and he holds out for the best one. After all, he's been mad good in the past, he's due a max out deal. The big one. The career maker. And he finds it. A solid team; great curves, awesome "stadium", fantastic personality, beautiful ownership. The entire package. He gets his deal and settles down with the team and contract of his dreams.

Now, tell me that that doesn't sound eerily similar to the standard dating ritual most of us go through. Here's my question, why can’t we adopt the philosophy for real? I meet a girl, think it might be a good fit, and sign a contract. Six months, two dates a week, with the option of a second six months. This way, if it doesn't work out, I can just opt out of the relationship and its no hard feelings. Just pure business.

All I'm saying is that if athletes can leave teams for the highest bidder and everyone excuses it for good business, why can't we as daters, do the same thing? I'm tired of ex-baggage. I'm tired of post-relationship phone calls and hook-ups. I'm tired of being forced into deals I don't like, that violate my terms, then getting blamed when the thing flames out. It's time for the era of dater loyalty. Only loyal to the one who can give you the best deal for the right time. It's time to work this theory out.

Now who would be the Commissioner? Hmmm...

Bangarang, Free Agents!

Where's the Beef?

2004-07-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 5:14 p.m.

I know this was supposed to start a whole war of words. This was supposed to create the big beef between us that we would both talk about in interview shows 25 years from now. Your post was going to be the one that put the "vs." in A-Train vs. The Jay. You tried so hard to bring the hate back to this website. But what am I supposed to do? You stated a whole post's worth of facts and now you want me to argue about it. I ain't about to argue the facts with you The Jay. Other than the fact that I happened to like The Ghost and The Darkness and The Saint (admittedly not what one would call "quality cinema", but it's fun stuff), there's no room for argument in your post. All I can do is try to offer some sort of explanation as to where things started going wrong for all these stars.

So, what's the common denominator for all these actors? They're old Jay. I hate to break it to you, but they're over the hill and enjoying the view on the way down right now. Sly had it right in Rocky IV when he and the venerable Carl Weathers were watching scenes from Rocky II: "That ain't us out there no more." The performances that all these fine actors gave in the 80s and 90s are snapshots of much younger and fresher talent. Action heros are supposed to be young, buff, and in the prime of their lives. As these actors get older, they're going to have to find new niches to work into. Stallone definitely ain't Rocky or Rambo anymore. He just can't be. Making Rocky V was bad enough. I've personally ignored its existence and am content to view the Rocky series as having four parts (a quadrilogy, if you will) and four parts only. Please Sly, please don't further sully the good name of this series. I mean, even George Foreman had the good sense to quit at some point, regardless of how many of those fantabulous little grilling machines he's sold.

You see Jay, they're all getting old. Not just older, but old. Starting with just the men out of your list, their average age is about 51. 51! That's old, dude. Stallone himself is gonna be 58 in a week. That's damn near 60. You can't have a 60-year-old Rambo. This is why all these actors have to reinvent themselves. The roles that they once excelled in are not the projects they can take in the future. They've got to take on new and different roles in their own efforts to see who the next Dennis Hoppers, Sean Connerys and Jack Nicholsons are going to be. They've got to prove that they can change up their images and adapt to their own age in order to survive in this industry. I mean, Sean Connery was James Bond. James Bond! But "was" is the key word. Sean Connery is no longer James Bond, but he's still doing his thing. Hell, he's even still doing some of the action thing, but it's in a different way. He's evolved to suit his age, and the actors in your list are gonna have to do the same thing. Connery knew that he had to find a new image, and did a damned fine job at that. That's why he's Sean Connery. That's what makes Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson. He did his time in Easy Rider and The Shining. Now, he's moved on to roles like those in Anger Management and As Good as It Gets. The actors on your list need to find their new niches in order to gain staying power in Hollywood.

Now, about the women on your list. Their average age is about 37. They're not spring chickens anymore The Jay. Precious few women can hold hotness into their 40s and beyond, and right now those spots are being held by Michelle Pfeiffer and Heather Locklear, thank you very much. Jay, Meg Ryan will be turning 43 later this year. 43! How much longer are you going to let her play her cutesy roles? I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but the cute ship has sailed for Meg Ryan. Now, this doesn't mean that her career is over, mind you. It just means that she's gotta move on and get with the times. As for the Zeta (as you so nicely dubbed her), she should rack up the hot roles as fast as she can. Get those big T-Mobile dollars now. Betting on her looks keeping her on top for the next ten years is a gamble, a crapshoot at best. She, and the rest of the ladies on your list need to start making names for themselves as quality actresses before they run out of hotness currency. Good looking actresses come and go like clockwork in Hollywood. A pretty face needs to become more than just a pretty face in order to survive in Hollywood.

And for one more record, there's absolutely no reason why the bathroom at my office should be kept at such a frigid temperature. Ever!

Onto more serious matters. Going back to some of the previous posts, we had been talking about the social scenes of the twenty-something. L.A. in particular, but location is largely unimportant (unless you live in, say, Durham, North Carolina....). I was doing some thinking, and I came up with another revelation. The entire "dating" scene has deteriorated. No one goes out on dates anymore. Dinner and a movie is all but extinct. It's all about going to bars and clubs and hooking up. I don't know when exactly it happened, but the whole Sex and the City, women embracing their sexualities, pseudo-feminist world that we live in has stripped us of the whole concept of a date. It no longer exists. While this should be a good thing for us guys (who wants to pay for dinners and movies and whatnot for some girl who doesn't even really like you?), for those of us that happened to like the idea of going on dates, this is pretty weak stuff.

This leaves us with two choices The Jay: try in vain to reverse the course of social evolution (or at the very least find some hot girls that still enjoy the idea of a date), or evolve with the culture. Going to clubs and bars isn't my thing. Never really has been, but this is gonna have to change. We must evolve in order to make sure that our genes remain in the gene pool. It's survival of the fittest out here, and fittest has always meant most adaptable. Jay, it's time to adapt, adjust, and acclimatize! Blog's to you,

A-Train

P.S. An early, but very Happy Birthday goes out to our friend Marci K!

Actors Who Now Make Me Wretch

2004-06-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 1:07 a.m.

I was flipping through the barren landscape that is Time Warner cable in the middle of reality summer, when I came across the 80's classic known as Top Secret! The remote hit the table like what, and stayed there. I sat back and enjoyed the Val Kilmer goodness. But an hour or so in, right after the insta-classic backwards scene, I got a bit depressed. When was the last time I actually enjoyed watching the Val? Sure, Spartan is the best film released this year so far, but that's like one flick since 1995 that didn't make me wanna throw up in my mouth. And I got to thinking... what happened? I mean, seriously?

From 1984-1995, Kilmer put on a run worthy of the Pantheon. Back to back to back classics right from the start: Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun. Then he went on to topline Willow, True Romance, Heat and the iconic performance that was Doc Holliday (I'm your Huckleberry!), in Tombstone. In short, he was The Man. F Tom Cruise. F Sam Jackson. People tend to forget this, but Val Kilmer was the go-to-guy for quality cinematic entertainment. If he was in the flick, you were having a good time.

And then, mysteriously, it all went bad. At First Sight, The Saint, Island of Dr. Moreau, and other, more crappy movies. How did everything get so bad, so quick? Some say it was the success of Batman Forever. Others think he was such a dick that no good director would work with him. I prefer to think that he was just bored. Like Jordan taking a few years off to play baseball, Kilmer had nothing more to prove. And again, like Jordan, Kilmer is back again crushing grooves. The man has six movies coming out this year! Six! That's like twelve hours of Kilmer-osity. A half a day of Val-dom.

But still, for nearly a decade, the man was unwatchable. You avoided his films like the plague. It gets to think about all the other great actors who have suddenly become unwatchable. Actively avoidable. And being the avid listmaker that I am, I have compiled the following: The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors in Hollywood.

Remember, the sole criterion is that at one time, each actor was a guaranteed good time at the movies. And now, they are automatic visual insta-hurl.

10. Michael Keaton
Maybe it's the Batman thing. It just curses people. Then again, Clooney keeps knocking them out of the park, so there goes that. It's almost hard to remember how good Keaton was and is. For God sakes, he's Beetlejuice! But name a film he's been in since The Paper, way back in '94, that was any good? You can't. You know what the automatic entry onto this list is? Making a movie about a snowman… when you’re playing the snowman.

9. Ashley Judd
Before Charlize Theron, The Judder was the go to hottie actress that was always willing to play naked. Not to mention the girl could act up a storm. Heat, A Time to Kill, Ruby in Paradise, Smoke, Normal Life (Where she made even Luke Perry seem good by association), hell, even Kiss the Girls was pretty good. Now she's a brand, and a boring one at that. Her downfall was being given the power to green light her own movies. She's part of the Kate Hudson type, wherein you make the same flick year in and year out, with only the title changing. Get this girl an indie flick fast, and make sure it's not a woman in jeopardy storyline. And while you're at it, block Morgan Freeman's number. And Sam Jackson's. And Tommy Lee Jones'.

8. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Listen close: She is the hottest actress in Hollywood. Period. Go back and watch Mask of Zorro, then come back and try to argue this with me. You can't. And this is CZJ's problem. She's too good looking. Too splendiferous. She can't play ugly; she can’t play small. And now, she flat out can't play. Aside from Chicago, where she was playing opposite the atrocity that is Renee Zellweger (who is fast becoming the ultimate unwatchable actor), the Zeta just doesn't entertain anymore. She single-handedly brought down The Terminal. That means she was so bad, she made Spielberg and Hanks look like R. Kelly doo doo butter. Hopefully a return trip down Soderbergh lane will fix this problem.

7. Kevin Costner
If you act in it, they will not come. Back when I had my own site I used to write a popular column called "Speaking of the Movies", wherein I commented on the state of Hollywood. In my first edition I wrote this: "If Kevin Costner's career falls in the woods, and no one is around to see it, does anyone really care?" And that statement still rings true. But Spiderman's balls he used to be fun to watch! Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, The Untouchables, Robin Hood (even with the non accent), JFK, Dances With Wolves. Where did he go wrong? Oh yeah, The Postman, I remember now. One film killed it for him. He can't buy his way into a theater now. I’ll put it this way, even Quentin Tarantino couldn't save him. Let’s all turn our heads, and pretend he doesn’t exist. We’ll all be better off.

6. John Travolta
This pains me so greatly. I was flat out living on Primary Colors the other day. Bless the Bravo Channel when it's not going gay. I couldn't help but think how great Travolta is. Then I remembered that Primary Colors came out in 1998. Since then: Battlefield Earth, Lucky Numbers, Basic, Domestic Disturbance, Swordfish, The Punisher, and the list could go on. Only the forthcoming sequel to Get Shorty can make him watchable again.

5. Meg Ryan
I blame Russell Crowe. Ever since she left The Quaid to shack up with the fighting Aussie, girlfriend can't pick a script to save her life. Even Tom Hanks is helpless in her wake. I just don't understand. She's Sally Albright! She's Goose's wife! She's Patricia Graynamore! And now what is she? Unwatchable. Too sad... gotta move on.

4. Samuel L. Jackson
When Dave Chappelle is making fun of you, you've done something wrong. It's not that he is a bad actor, because he isn't. It's just that his films are so goddamn terribly awful. He's stuck in Janeane Garofalo syndrome. Otherwise known as "I Can't Say No" Syndrome. If he would just be more selective, I would go see his movies again. Until then, you can bite me before I see XXX, or Basic, or Twisted. Ugh. Where have all the good men gone?

3. Jennifer Lopez
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If it weren't for her music career, she would have an Oscar by now. But, since that's not the case, I'm stuck trying to wipe the memory of The Wedding Planner, Gigli, Enough and Angel Eyes from my pop culture infested mind. She's got about two movies left on her Out Of Sight charity, and then I'm through with her.

2. Kevin Spacey
Shocking, I know, but still true. Spacey was once the King of Drama. ...Back in 1995. But with the wazoo sucking that was Pay it Forward, The Life of David Gale and The Shipping News, I get woozy just trying to buy a movie ticket for one of his flicks. You know what it is? It's the gay thing. Personally, I couldn’t care less who he wants to bang, even if it's guys (and in one case, a male friend of mine), but don't play coy about it. Cause it's starting to affect how we see you on-screen. Or, currently, don't see you on-screen. Either he's just having a bad couple movies, or we were wrong about him. You couldn't drag me to another Spacey snooze-fest.

1. Sylvester Stallone
Just don't talk to me for a while. I'm in too much pain. I can't...

Stallone is the easy answer, because he fell from such high heights. The other actors on this list can make comebacks, can find good ensemble flicks, can do quality TV. Where's Stallone gonna go? My boy is stuck in the 80's, back when his career made sense. Time has passed him on. I grew up on his cinematic slices of heaven. I own practically all his cheesy action movies, including Assassins (That's right, bitches! Whatcha gonna do?). It's why this moment is so difficult. He's just no good anymore. And the worst part is he doesn't even realize it.

To all the actors on this list, I beg you, please fire your agents. Slaughter your management team. Release the posse. It's time to make a change. You can all get back in audience's good graces; you just have to trust the fact that you aren't as cool anymore. And it's only getting worse. Please do something about this before we revoke your Celebrity and use it to stop the poker madness and rejuvenate The Affleck. Thank you for your time.

Bangarang, Madmartigan!

"This Place is Dead Anyways"

2004-06-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 2:45 p.m.

"A-train, tell me you have some solution. Some idea. Some suggestion." My personal suggestion? Go off to law school in North Carolina. I can't give you the thumbs up or the thumbs down as of yet, but that's all I've got at this point. I, too, am at a loss. I do happen to work in an office building with the same people day in and day out, yet I still don't have so much as a prospect to show for it. Work, I've decided, just isn't the place to meet members of the opposite sex (though my Father might have to disagree). School is key. For those of you in school, stay there. Stay as long as you can and embrace every social opportunity that comes your way. They don't come nearly as easily once you leave. For those of us out of school, let's put our heads together and tackle this thing.

Another problem, at least in my mind, is that we've been going about things all wrong ("I blame myself", name the quote, come on people). Whenever we hit the club scene, the bar scene, or the party scene, we're looking to find someone else's party. From now on, we need to make our own party. Stop rolling out with a couple of friends to places. We need to plan things better and roll deep. Get a whole gang of people going out to party it up. That way, once we settle in at wherever we're headed, we're the party. We're the big group that's making all the noise and having all the fun. From there, anyone can feel free to break off from the group in pursuit of new people to join the party. Then, we can bring these people back to our group and our friends, giving us a de facto home field advantage. It's time to stop blaming the scenes and start picking up our game. To quote a wise man, "it's time to drop the excuses and pick up a purpose."

In addition, rolling deep to clubs and bars has some excellent side effects. When you get a big group outing going on, there are more people there that may not mind being a designated driver. This way, you can get nice and sloshed and not worry about sobering up to drive home or making sure that you've got tons of cash in your pocket to pay for a taxi. Also, when you get a big group going, there's more of a chance of meeting a hot friend of a friend. I'm sure that we've all got friends that we just met. Those friends that you're cool with, but you haven't met all of their people yet. If we can get a bunch of them to come out and bring their groups of friends, we're more likely to have some hot new people already in our group, which is an instant opener. Furthermore, we increase the likelihood of someone having a suitable place to kick it for an afterparty. Afterparties are key, and if we've got a whole gang of people, it shouldn't be too hard to convince someone to host an afterparty. This way, we can always invite people to the afterparty because it'll be our group. We get to pre-screen the guests.

However, we run into one significantly large problem with this idea. It's a logistical nightmare. Planning something like this takes more time and resources than most people are willing to spare for a night on the town. How easy is it to mobilize twenty plus twenty-something's? Exactly. It'd take an act of Congress just to get to the pulling teeth stage. How do you pick a place that's convenient for everyone? Not to mention dealing with everyone's schedules. You've got people like me who do the nine to five, Monday through Friday thing, and then you've got people who work nights, weekends, and all sorts of other odd schedules. Getting all these people together at the same place and the same time is just plain hard. Not to mention hooking everyone up with rides, and making sure that the venue we're heading towards has exactly the right balance of being able to accommodate our entire group, but not being so empty that we wouldn't want to party there.

This is where we're at Jay. We're twenty-something's. We can't go back to hanging at the mall or going miniature golfing to find new friends. Those days are over. We've got the club and bar scenes to work with now. And come on, we waited 21 years to get to this point. We're gonna give up after two? "Fuck that!" I say. I ain't giving up, I'm just gonna do it better. I'm a smart guy. You're a smart guy. The women are out there, The Jay. They're waiting for us to save them from all the tools and douche bags that infest the scene. We are quality catches and these girls deserve some chances with us. We can no longer deprive girls of opportunities to woo us with their slutty ways. It's time to bring the mountain to Mohammed. Blog's to you,

A-Train

P.S. "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Where Do All The High School Girls Hang Out?

2004-06-24T03:34:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 4:07 a.m.

There are just no good places to meet people anymore. The club scene? Forget it. Trying to meet a girl when you have to yell just to convo, while both of you are half drunk and eyeing the room for a better prospect, ain't what I call the opportune first encounter. The bar scene? So over. You're dropping crazy dimes to drink watered down cocktails, sitting in your booth, while you and your boys bear claw the dance floor. Anyone that I meet at a bar is not someone I wanna date. Call me prejudiced, but that's just not my scene. And there is a high probability that a bar girl spends quite a lot of time in bars.

So what then? The mall? Please... The library? Yeah, right, maybe in College. The local Starbucks? I don't drink coffee. And besides, I found that people don't like to get interrupted during their coffee fix.

So I'll ask again... what's left?

I don't know where to meet people. Girls or guys. I don't work in an office, so that whole melodrama is out the window. I'm a journeyman industryphile. I meet people on set, or on crew, but it's always a temporary thing. I don't work with anyone long enough to get a grasp on them. I'm over College parties, though I seem to still do quite well at them (I am after all, King of Westwood!). That leaves me with house parties, thrown by friends or friends of friends. That seems the best short term answer, because there's always a chance that a new person may be there that I don't know. Of course, the likelihood that they are uncomfortably connected to various people in my life is often uncommonly high. In the end, I might as well just leave it up to chance or Serendipity or whatever the hell you call the thing that brings two people together and gives them the chance to become something.

It's just so odd that in a city so wide and deep, that there aren't more opportunities for two like-minded people to find each other. I'm beginning to understand the whole online dating thing. At least you can siphon off the crazies and the who cares by only responding to the ones whose like and dislikes closely match your own. You’re rolling craps on looks, but then again, what does that matter anymore. I've dated beautiful girls, ugly girls, average girls, girls with no personalities, girls with unimaginably wonderful personalities, girls with this and girls with that, and the only common denominator is that at one point they all hurt me and they all made me smile. So it's all even, I suppose. All are equal in the faceless world of the internet. And the best part is that unlike Los Angeles, it's a limited place. You go somewhere specific to find the dating sites. One can actually go straight to the dating, skipping over the traffic and the over priced beer and the bad hip hop music.

Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I'm tired of the people that I haven't met yet. Where the hell are they? I'm waiting for you. And I'd kinda like to know where you are. Cause I've been looking at all those typical social scenes. It's just not working anymore. And I'm beginning to lose all hope in the dating scene of the City of Angels.

A-train, tell me you have some solution. Some idea. Some suggestion. The start of a list of more social scenes. Let's get it going, figure it out, and make millions selling it to desperate twenty-something's. Forget the Break-up Handbook, how about the Meet Cute Guidebook? It's Gold, A-Train! Gold!

Bangarang, LaLa

The New Social Scenes

2004-06-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

A-Train – 11:00 p.m.

Jay, there’s a hole in your previous post that I just couldn’t let go. I’m gonna let you keep your claim that you devised the theory, because you did; however, just know that the idea of jailbait predates every person on your list. The big hole in your post has to do with girls not starting out hot, but becoming hot before becoming gloriously legal. One of the first applications of the theory was the fact that Lindsay Lohan was most definitely not pre-approved. This I take as fact, and I think you agree. However, she has become hot before her 18th birthday and I believe that Mean Girls satisfies the second rule (if not, her SNL appearance, MTV Movie Awards hosting, or blatantly slutting herself out to Colin Ferrell might do the trick). All she needs to do is fulfill the fourth rule (a couple of the above may satisfy) which seems all but likely. However, Eliza Dushku also became hot before her 18th while she was not initially hot (I don't care what you say, go back and watch True Lies, she wasn't hot), and she was pre-approved. This is a hole that hasn’t really been discussed, and for the sakes of our loyal readers (all two of them) I think you should clarify.

Now, on to the good stuff. I want to talk a little bit about all the cool shit that’s coming around these days. There are all sorts of cool “alternative” type social events. It started with the whole speed dating craze, which sounded kinda dumb to me, but I guess some people got into it. Now, there are some really cool ones on the horizon that I hope pan out. Here are a couple of them.

The first of these social scenes that I’ve heard of that sounds ultra cool is movie-oke. Think karaoke, except instead of old Japanese men singing Frank Sinatra, it’s a bunch of twenty-somethings doing scenes from Pulp Fiction and Princess Bride. The idea originated somewhere in New York City (from what I’ve been lead to believe) and is slowly moving across the country. I can’t wait to try this shit. It’s almost to the point where I want to bail on law school and open up my very own movie-oke studio (movie-oke parlor?). Okay, maybe that’s going a bit far, but I’m still totally stoked for this. What better study break than going down the local movie-oke bar, grabbing a couple of drinks, and seeing who delivers the best Jules Winnfield? Nothing, that’s what! It just couldn’t be topped. My singing voice is just plain awful, but I can recite movie quotes with the best of ‘em. In fact, I have recited quotes with the best of ‘em (last round was still a draw Jay). Movie-oke is going to be the social scene of the future. I can see it now. Rather than doing the usual bar and club scene, you and your crew bounce out to movie-oke. You have some drinks, lots of laughs, and totally strike up a conversation with the hot blonde girl across the room because of the awesome Real Genius lines she just rattled off. Perfect night. Bring on the movie-oke!

So, a couple days ago I was reading through the new issue of Playboy… What? I don’t just look at the pictures. Okay, so I was going through it for like the 4th time, whatever. So I’m reading it and I find another new social scene. It’s called a “Quiet Party”. The idea behind a quiet party is that no one says a word. Pretty weird, but let me go on. You start out with some quiet music in the background (say classical or jazz, something to that effect), then add some board games or other mild entertainment, and rather than talking, people slip scribbled notes to one another. All those who scoff aren’t seeing the whole picture. You can scribble the weirdest, wildest shit that you’d be too embarrassed to say in normal conversation. Not only that, conversations would be held a slower pace. You’d have time to think of all the witty comebacks that you never seem to think of in time. The only big downside I see to the scene is that you meet some hot woman, the two of you pass notes back and forth and hit it off and set up a date, or something to that effect. However, unbeknownst to you, she’s got a voice that would make fingernails on a chalkboard sound like a symphony. That’s the only downside I see to this scenario, but with any and all luck, the two of you will have bumped uglies long before you ever have to hear her (or his) voice.

Oh, and to touch back on the in/out post, locks on DVD cases are most assuredly out. They fucking suck. No matter how many times I open or close my Eurotrip DVD case, I still screw it up every single time. Note to the manufacturers: I already bought the damned thing; let me get in to it already. Fuckers.

And for one more record, root beer floats kick ass. Not that this had anything to do with anything else, but I felt that it was worth saying. Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Pre-Approved Hottie's: The Definitive Edition

2004-06-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 1:43 a.m.

I'm taking full credit for my theory of the pre-approved hottie. It was devised not on the toilet, where I usually do my great thinking, but during a drive down the hell that is Topanga Canyon Road. Curious as to why the Olsen twins movie bombed so gloriously, I stumbled upon my idea that their hotness was backfiring on them. For years, every guy with a workable third leg had lusted after those infamous Twinkies. Moreover, the trailer for New York Minute had one of them (God knows which one) in nothing but a towel, for the entire thing! That's gold! There was no way this movie could fail. But it did. So, in thinking about their demise, I came up with my theory. The Pre-Approved Hottie Theory. Forthwith, a detailed analysis of the theory...

First Rule of the Theory: it only applies to underage, jailbait girls. The reason for this is that any actress who comes on the scene who is legal and wants to be seen as a hottie, usually plays the hottie role very quickly. Establishment of hottiedom is a quick science. But for the underage girls, they can't very well strip down for a Maxim cover, cause the rents have to sign the permission slip.

Second Rule: to become a non-legal hottie, the girl must show signs of a desire to be a hottie. We tend to view an actor in the manner we first see them, so a child star is hard pressed to be viewed as a hottie right away. However, early in their career they must do something to change this view. If they take the slutty girl parts, or dress provocatively and exhibit aspects of a being a Valley Girl, for example, it's easy to see that hottieness is in their future; thus, the pre-approval.

Third Rule: Non pre-approved hottie's may not change their mind after becoming legal. They must stay non-approved. Though they may end up being hot and playing the part well, it's a different type of hottie. An empty, limited time only hottie. Pre-approved hotties always stay longer in the consciousness of men (and coincidentally, the public eye), because we waited anxiously for them to reach their potential. And when they reach it, as Natalie Portman so beautifully did in Episode One, it's a glorious moment for man and boy kind.

Fourth and Final Rule: Upon being pre-approved, the hottie must then fulfill their promise with the previously discussed Maxim/FHM/Stuff Magazine Cover or slutty film/ television role. It's just like a credit card, if you’re pre-approved, you gotta start spending.

Exception to the Rule: If a girl comes onto the scene after becoming legal, and is easily a hottie, then she's a hottie. Pre-Approved on arrival. The key, however, is that she must be widely recognized as an immediate hottie. For example: Kristin Kreuk, Elisha Cuthbert, Katie Holmes, Rachel Bilson, Kiera Knightley, Angelina Jolie, yada yada yada. If the poll swings in favor of hot, then we have ourselves a pre-approved hottie.

All rules must work in their favor, or the hottie can not be pre-approved, and therefore cannot keep a long and successful career of teasing the men of America.

Now that the Theory has been properly explained, let's go over a few recent applicants.

JESSICA BIEL - Lusciously Pre-Approved
I don't know how people forget this fact, but she was only 14 when 7th Heaven debuted. The first season was very innocent. However, for the second season, The WB, in their infinite wisdom, decided to create an ad campaign around Biel's emerging beauty. Billboards and bus stops were filled with Bielage, and it was good. Looks like we had the makings of a hottie… Remember, hottiedom is judged from the time they first appeared on the scene. And then there was the Gear incident. At only 17, Biel posed nearly naked for Gear Magazine. And thus, a pre-approved hottie was born. Even more, after the application was processed, she got herself kicked off her wussy show because they got mad that she posed nude! And to fulfill her promise, she stripped down to her skivvies in the notorious pool scene from Summer Catch (the only good scene in the movie), and banged an entire football team in the underrated Rules of Attraction. Jessica Biel is a hottie, always was a hottie, and always will be a hottie.

LINDSEY LOHAN - Sadly Not Pre-Approved
Just backing you up on this one, Train. Have you all noticed that she seems very flavor of the moment, instead of "Oh My God She's the next Star?" Up until Mean Girls, Lohan was no good, and wanted to stay that way. Growing a pair of yaboos after six or seven movies does not count. Se gets to stay hot, but she doesn't get to stay this wanted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Lindsey.

ELIZA DUSHKU - Gloriously Pre-Approved
I'm giving the girl a pass on True Lies because I thought she was banging. Regardless, the role that brought her onto the scene was as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Playing the evil slayer in hot, tight leather pants and Crow-black lipstick (at 17, mind you) gave her plenty of opportunities to show off her dangerous jailbait cleavage. That's a slut role if I ever saw one. She has gone on to give us a glorious, gratuitous bikini scene in the awesome flick The New Guy. If that’s not a sign of good faith (pun intended), I don't know what is?

MISCHA BARTON - Not Pre-Approved
It doesn't matter that she's still seventeen. It doesn't matter that she was topless for an Enrique Iglesias video. It doesn't matter that she's on all the girly magazine covers. Before The O.C., Mischa starred in two blockbusters and a hit TV show, without ever showing even a smidgeon of hottietude. But none of it matters when you play opposite Rachel Bilson. You will never be the hottie, or the slut of the show. And you will not be pre-approved, because no one thinks you're hot. Just go away and stop ruining the best show on TV!

ALICIA SILVERSTONE - Extremely Pre-Approved
A famous pre-approval. One look at the nubile 16 year old in The Crush signaled ocean sized signs that this one was destined for greatness. The approval went through after the release of Aerosmith's legendary Cryin’ video. That punim graced the walls of every teenager in America. And then, after the wonderful coronation ceremony, she goes and gets naked with Liv Tyler in the Crazy video. Such a giver, that one. God love Alicia, I know I and the rest of the men on this planet do.

JULIA STILES - Definitely Not Pre-Approved
For obvious reasons. Girl ain't hot. Just warrants mentioning.

KIRSTEN DUNST - Application Still Under Review
And has been under review for some time now. No one seems to be able to decide whether she's a true hottie or not. Bring it On helped, but that was her 28th project! There was the Maxim spread, but it wasn't even that great. There was the nipple scene in Spider-Man, but she was legal by that point. I say we call her a hottie, but reject her for pre-approval. There were just too many movies where she played the innocent, non-sexual tweener. And she doesn't ever appear to wanna be a hottie. If that doesn't break the cardinal second rule, then nothing will.

Still Awaiting Decision:
Alexis Bledel
Kate Bosworth
Amanda Bynes
Erika Christensen
Mandy Moore
Evan Rachel Wood

Until next time, or the next pre-approval…

Bangarang, Hotties!

Has Your Fantasy Been Pre-Approved?

2004-06-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 3:05 p.m.

Jay, we’ve talked a lot about pre-approved hotness lately and, while I don’t believe we came up with the concept, I do believe that we’ve coined the phrasing. As such, it’s time that we discussed pre-approved hotness and who has and has not been pre-approved.

Pre-approved hotness (for those too dense to grasp what we’re getting at) is basically the idea of the jailbait. It’s a girl who’s not legal (at least in the majority of the United States), but is attractive nonetheless. You wait for their 18th birthdays. You can see these girls being hot from a mile away. These are the girls that make you wish you were still in high school; at least until you realize that girls in your high school were never that hot. Enough defining, on to the hotties!

Lindsay Lohan – Not Pre-Approved
This girl is hot. I ain’t afraid to say it. She is not yet 18, but she was definitely not pre-approved for hotness. I saw The Parent Trap. It was her first movie, at the tender age of 12. She played twins, one of which had a British accent. Not only that, she was good. Nevertheless, I really didn’t see her becoming hot. I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the only one either. Life, however, proved me wrong. She’s the new “it” girl, she’s hot, and she’s legal next month. Pleasant surprise? Indeed!

Katherine Heigl – Pre-Approved
When she was 16, Miss Heigl had the misfortune of sharing the screen with Gérard Depardieu. However, we were all glad she did. She was hot. She turned 18 hot. She remains hot. This girl doesn’t get much press, and it’s a wonder. Have you seen her Maxim spread? No? You’re missing out. It’s glorious. Katherine Heigl was definitely pre-approved, and has my permission to go on being hot.

Hillary Duff – Pre-Approved
This girl’s hotness has been waiting for her since birth. She was destined by the gods to be hot, and it is becoming so. How many here can honestly say that they disagree with me? Wrong. Next question. All of us guys would jump through hoops at the chance to do naughty things to Lizzie McGuire. People will flock the streets in New Years Eve like fashion to countdown the days to her 18th birthday. Hillary, fame and stardom are yours for the taking. Don’t fuck it up for us.

Jessica Biel – Not Pre-Approved
When she started on 7th Heaven, who went around thinking that she’d be the next hot piece of ass to jump from television to the big screen? Certainly wasn’t me. It wasn’t as if she was unattractive on the show or anything; I just never saw her becoming the full-fledged hottie that she is today. Am I wrong? She totally became hot recently, and it completely blindsided me. Jessica Biel, nice work. Keep it up.

Emma Watson – Do I even need to tell you?
Everyone agrees that this girl is going to be hot. It’s almost a forgone conclusion. She’s a child. A baby. It doesn’t matter. She has been pre-approved for hotness, and may commence becoming hot while all of us are left to countdown the days until she’s legal. Emma, I know that this is a lot of pressure to put on such a young girl, but we’re all confident that you can live up to it. Just don’t do anything stupid like cut off all your hair or put all sorts of piercings in your face.

Eliza Dushku – Not Pre-Approved
Yes, you heard me right. The magnificent piece of hotness that is known throughout the universe as Eliza Dushku was not pre-approved for hotness. Those who scoff at me need only be pointed to her role in True Lies. Most people probably don’t even remember that she was in that movie. Sure, she got to play the Governator’s daughter, but she wasn’t hot. Hell, she barely even qualified as cute. I don’t know what happened. Somewhere in the three years between True Lies and her stint on Buffy, she got hot. Insanely hot. Core of the fucking Earth hot. Eliza, your hotness was not pre-approved. However, due to your extreme transformation into a total robo-babe, we are willing to overlook this and continue to let you be hot, so long as you don’t step out of line.

The Olsen Twins – Pre-Approved
I hate to break it to you The Jay, but the newly legalized Olsen twins were indeed pre-approved for hotness. Guys waited in throngs for them to become legal. Men everywhere fantasized about these girls. But, you were right about one thing: No one really wants them anymore. “So, what happened?” you might ask. Let me tell you. First, these two never really grew out of their “look at us, we’re cute twins” stage. They never made the move to adulthood. Second, they look anorexic. I’m not about to say they do or don’t have eating disorders, but they don’t look like healthy young women. Maybe the pressure of being pre-approved for hotness just got to them a little too much and they cracked. I can’t say for sure, but they have let us down severely. Their status of being hot has been revoked, pending a full investigation. If they want their hotness back, they’re gonna have to earn it.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Pre-Approving Hotties and Other Crimes Against Pop Culture

2004-06-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 12:50 p.m.

Good list, I agree with most of it, though you left out some key crappy trends. I intend to rectify that mistake right now.

OUT (unfortunately) - The Olsen Twins
On this, the day of Consent, I can find no one that actually still wants these girls. They had us for a minute, but they've lost us big time. Let 'em go, is what I say. Who cares? And do you know why? Cause they weren't pre-approved for hotness. Men don't really think they're attractive, we're merely praising them for not growing up ugly. To become a lasting hottie, you gotta show signs of hotness early on, so we can draw up the paperwork. Case in point, Natalie Portman: She applied when she was 13, after a little movie called The Professional made her the instant hard-on for every prepubescent Bar Mitzvah in the Western Hemisphere. She's grown up and we still lust for her. See how it works? The Olsen's were not pre-approved. Their hotness is against regulation, so they're paying for this derision by the entire country ignoring their movie and shunning their celebrity. That's what you get for screwing us around.

And on a side note, Happy Birthday, girls! Thanks for the good times behind locked doors. Now stop acting in movies together and one of you develop a drug problem and become a whore. You’re overdue. Thanks and be safe.

OUT - Piercing
Seriously, no joke, take that crap out of your face. It's not attractive. No really, it's not.

OUT (eyes rolling in frustration) - Navel Gazing Downer People
What is wrong with all you people who are so pessimistic, so bummery and always dressed in black? We've got new and improved Mike and Ike's, we've got iTunes and Kazaa, we’ve got Lindsey’s Lohans and Rachel’s Bilsons, hell we’ve got a new Batman and Star Wars flick coming out... What are you so depressed about? You're bringing all of us down with you. Again, not attractive. Grow up and put on some color. You're pale and boring!

OUT (happily) - People Who Claim Not to Watch TV
Well bully for you! That may have been a hip statement to make, say... ten years ago, when the only thing of quality on TV was Seinfeld and repeats of Beavis and Butthead. But it's a whole new ballgame now. TV is more important than ever. Reality shows are the only water cooler topic one even thinks of bringing up and cable has brought in when it comes to original programming. Off the top of my head: The Shield, Chappelle's Show, South Park, Reno 911, I Love the 80's, Scrubs, The O.C., Pardon the Interruption, SportsCenter, et al... And I haven't even touched the entertainment goldmine known as HBO. TV is where it's at. You don't look cool when you tell people you don't watch TV. You just look stuck up and pretentious and no one wants to talk to you. To all you above-it-all dorks: What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!

OUT - Ryan Seacrest and the word Metrosexual
I won't begrudge a man's success. If you hungry, bite the thing. BUT, and it's a tanned and hairless butt, do not, under any circumstances, screw things up for the rest of us. With your flat ironed hair and bad orange tan (HELLO!), you are killing all us good straight guys. Because I wear unwrinkled clothes, comb my hair, and am clean and nice to people, I gotta get every drunk girl thinking I'm gay. No, I'm not. I'm just not a slob. I like to be clean and look good. Does that make me gay? I don't know… why don't you blow me and find out. And another thing... to all you drunk bitches who keep asking us if we're gay, bite me twice. You're ugly when you do that. And even if I was, what difference does it make? If I were gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, I'd have better sense and style not to talk to you. So put down the fork. FACE!

OUT (finally) - Epic Battle Scenes
We've been there. We've done that. Liked it ten years ago in Braveheart. Liked it a bit less in Gladiator. Bored of it in Troy, The Last Samurai, The Alamo, Return of the King and the Matrix sequels. Take a hint from the master known only as QT, the best action scenes are between two people, preferably hot women, duking it out with Hattori Hanzo steel. Anything else, and I'm just gonna tune you out.

OUT (throw her ass out) - Kate Hudson
... Penny Lane. God damn. How does she go from Cameron Crowe to Raising Helen? Who's pulling this girl's strings? I can't even be sure she's a good actress, because all I see her in are boring, predictable romcoms. What is with young actresses who start so enigmatically (Brittany Murphy included), gain a small measure of commercial success than throw it all away to be blah It Girls (Reese Witherspoon are your greasy ears burning?). There's a reason we found you enticing, and it's not because you have a megawatt smile and blond highlights. Somebody put this girl in a dangerous indie flick, right quick.

Alright, I'm welling up with till Tuesday eye rolls at my list, so let's wrap this sucker up...

OUT - J.Lo
Nobody cares about you. Or your marriages. Or your perfumes. Or your restaurants. Or your bad "hip hop" music. Or, as it appears lately, your movies. Just take your new Latin creep, go to Miami and cram it. You had Hollywood by the balls, lady. And you blew it! Out of Sight. You were awesome. The role of your life. If you had never gone into music you would have gotten an Oscar by now. You'd have your own action franchise. Naomi Watts wouldn't be taking all your roles. But no, you just had to break out from the block. And now look, you make crappy movies, you're spread egregiously thin and nobody likes you. I said goddamn! Just a shame… At this point, I'd prefer Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand puppet to your J. Lo any day of the week and twice on Sundays. At least she was funny. Such a unfortunate turn of events. Definitely warrants her own blog discussion in the future.

But until then...

Game, Blouses.

Are You In, Or Are You Out?

2004-06-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

A-Train – 12:11 a.m.

We've spent quite enough time talking about real life. I think it's about time that we talk a little bit about trends. A little chat about what's in, what's out and what should be. Sure, on the one hand trends are a little bit of bullshit, but on the other hand trends do help define the times in which we live. So let's get to it!

Out - Fake orange tans
Okay, actually these seem to be really in right now. However, everyone sporting one (I'm looking at you Paris Hilton, you can afford to get a real tan or at least a better fake one) looks absolutely ridiculous. It's summer time. It's not like you're hanging out in Siberia in the dead of winter. It's sunny all the fucking time. Go outside for a few minutes. Or, at the very least, go outside as your normal, pasty white selves. We all know you're white, you're not fooling anyone. You girls must be desperate to turn to those stupid “bronzing” creams. Don’t believe the hype! Orange is not the new tan. Give it up.

In - Those short ass pleated skirts
Seriously, they're hot. There’s not much more to it than that. One season of The O.C. and we have a full blown trend. I live down by the beach (not in a van), and I see these all the time. Girls from 10 to 40 are wearing these mini glimpses into heaven. But ladies, I've gotta tell you something. You really should know it already, but I feel the need to enlighten you anyways. None of you will look as hot as Rachel Bilson wearing these. All you other women don't have to stop wearing the skirts, in fact please do wear them, but you should know this up front. I'm just here to help.

In (but really shouldn't be) - The scruffy mountain man look
Damn you Brad Pitt! Damn you to hell! You go a couple months without shaving for a movie, and now everyone thinks they can sport the full on beard. You people look like serial killers. Following a lame trend does not make you any less of a lazy son of a bitch. Guys, we can play off the “just woke up” hairstyle as hip. It actually takes a little time and effort to get it right, unless you actually did just get out of bed. Hey, I’ve done it before. But not shaving for weeks on end, that’s just plain laziness. Men, you will not hook up with Jennifer Aniston look-alikes for sporting the Grizzly Adams look. Shave. Just shave.

Out (sadly) – Black movies
What’s going on here? I love me some black cinema. Friday, Undercover Brother, The Wood, they all kick ass. Lately, shit just isn’t up to par. What have we got going on? Soul Plane? White Chicks? My Baby’s Daddy? For shame. There are plenty of talented black filmmakers and actors. Things should be getting better. I’ve got the feeling we’ve just hit a little lull. Black cinema may be out right now, but once the Wayans brothers and others get their shit together, things are gonna turn around. Mark my words.

Out (way ass out) – Brittany Murphy
I could write a fucking novel about this girl. She got a huge break with 8 Mile. Eminem was all like, “Hey Brittany Murphy, here’s a bone. I’m gonna throw it to ya.” And she dropped it. Go back to life as normal. Move it along folks, nothing to see here.

In (and I love it) – TIVO
God bless this. I can watch Dave Chappelle pretend to be Prince or Rick James at any hour of the day. “Game. Blouses.” I can replay whatever I want. When hot women grace my TV, I can repeat it, slo-mo it, record it. No need to be on the ready with the video tapes. Not to mention, the damn thing records every O.C. and Chappelle’s Show. Every one. I would have them all at my disposal except my Dad deleted them. He’s just lucky I’ve seen all of them already. And what’s the deal? He’s gotta ask me to set the thing to record what he wants to see, but he’s got no problem deleting all my shows. He’s got that shit figured out. But that’s beside the point. TIVO gets the A-Train seal of approval.

Out (I'm gonna miss it) – Hockey
This is depressing. Way depressing. How many of you caught any of the playoff games? The Stanley Cup Finals at least? Anyone? Bueller? Yeah, seeing none. It was some of the best hockey I’ve seen. I watched even though my beloved Kings didn’t make the playoffs (damn injuries). And the Tampa Bay Lightning snagged the Cup from the Calgary Flames in seven games to keep it in the good ol’ USA. Gotta love that. For those out of the loop, Hockey’s on the verge of a full blown lockout. There may be a shortened season next year. In fact, there may not be a season at all. I can’t understand why more people don’t watch this game. It’s awesome. Fast paced as basketball, aggressive as football, with excitement of goal scoring that rivals that of soccer. How can you not love it? Hockey, I shall miss thee.

Out (and it’s about fucking time) – Uggs
Thank the good lord! I’m gonna speak out for all the fellas out there cause I know you all agree. Ugg is short for ugly. It’s just that damn simple. And they’re expensive. Girls are paying upwards of $100 for these ridiculous things. Girls, ya’all look lame. Especially around here in Southern California. We got girls wearing these atrocities with shorts and mini-skirts. Please step away from the trend. If I was living in New York City, I’d be able to understand these things. The weather gets harsh and girls’ feet get cold. It happens. You need some warm boots. I live in L.A. It got down to a chilly 50 degrees in the dead of winter. Girls, you don’t need ugly boots to keep your feet warm. I for one am glad to see this trend go. Good riddance.

Anything to add Jay? Blog’s to you,

A-Train

Who Knows, Lighting May Strike...

2004-06-09T04:04:00.000-07:00

THE JAY – 4:34 a.m.

Life is made up of hundreds upon thousands of little moments of connection one has on any given day. Those connections can take the form of a smile, or a glance. A knowing look, a conversation, a kiss, or a fuck, or a punch, or any other way that one person interacts with the world around them. Some connections last more than mere moments. They last for an entire beer, or for the length of a song, or the entirety of a party. And, here's the bad news, sometimes those connections aren't meant to last longer than those brief initial bits of time. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, I can not speculate. But it's the truth of a matter that we often forget in the hazy aftermath of blackballing a girl from our life. We forget the simple idea that maybe, just maybe, the time we spend with a girl at a party, or at a coffee shop, et al, is all the time we are meant to spend. And any more time is just taking away from the harmony that was created during that first meeting. After all, there's a reason it's called a "Meet Cute". And there's a reason that right after that, boy usually loses girl.

I've tried your method, A-train. For six months I went around only giving out my number, and never asking for one. And they never called. And I had no control over the situation. I put it in their hands, giving them a perfect opportunity to rip my number up like Trent and the business class lay-up. And that's what they did. Who knows why they never called? More to the point, who cares?

After the first few no-goes, I adopted a vanish policy. The second I turn, or she walks away, they vanish from my life. Completely. I forget what they look like. I forget the shit we talked about. Hell, sometimes I forget their fucking name. This way, I don't get caught up in wondering if they're gonna call or not. Cause they might as well not exist. But dude, even that's hard to do...

We are not gonna be able to get around the fact that liking a girl that doesn't like you back, sucks. Period. End of discussion. She don't feel the flow, and we just gotta deal. Her number, my number, what difference does it make? In the end, the ones that do like us are gonna erase the bad taste of the ones who weren't worth it. I gotta believe that. I gotta lean on it. Because I love women. I love the way they make me feel. I love the chase. The thump. The glide. The tingle. The chills. The butterflies. The indescribable feeling you get right before your lips meet for the first time. The way she makes your knees go weak with just a smile. The awe you get when she steps out of her apartment and walks towards you. Did you forget just how beautiful she was? …I love it all. So I'm gonna keep going.

What else can we do? Girls are nuts, but so are we. We lead girls on, too. How often have we strung along a girl we only kinda sorta dig, because she puts out? She wants a relationship and you just wanna keep sticking your dick in her. It sucks and you know it. But we men don't wanna look like the bad guy. God forbid! So we thread her out till she gets frustrated and drops our shit. An even slimier way to go. No dude, men and women are equal opportunity shits.

The key, in the end, is honesty. But it's a type of honesty we don't get around to until after the fact. Take a situation I was speaking to earlier, where you aren't meant to have a girl in your life beyond the night you meet her. If you could see in advance that the one night is all you had, you'd go about things differently. Treat her uniquely. Take from her something that might be worthwhile, or pure, or good. Whatever that may be… But you wouldn't be thinking about the digits, or the first date, or all the rest of that nonsense. You'd just be appreciating the moment. And when the moment ended, you could reflect upon it, and be thankful you had the chance to spend a moment with someone you had a connection with. Fuck if they don't call. You had a good time, why spoil it? Why pollute the dream? Let her be fiction. We'll all be better off.

The world is made up of hundreds upon thousands of connections. Give us the end time for any or all of them, and I'm not here writing this post. You aren't reading this post. We're out there doing our thing, living our life without fear of rejection. Without fear that the next girl around the corner will or will not be "the one". Without fear that a Friday night will only produce frustration and blue balls. Instead, we could focus on what makes us happy. Or what makes us smile. The bottom line, is that I’m just not gonna get caught up with the worry of the possibility that things will turn sour. Because I love women. I love the women I know, and I love the women I've yet to meet. And I'll be damn sure that nothing as stupid as "flaky bitches" is gonna stand in my way of finding the one I love. Or the one that I love for a moment.

Direct?

2004-06-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 11:45 a.m.

Direct? From a woman? Jay, you may as well as well go ahead and ask your dog to sing the National Anthem at tonight's Lakers game. Go ahead, I'll wait. It just ain't gonna happen. Why? I'll tell you. Women, as a gender, are selfish liars. It's just that simple. Women would rather go through the whole charade of giving out the number and going on the date than put up with the minute or two (at the very most) of awkwardness that would result from them just saying, "You know, I don't feel right giving you my number because I'm not interested in you like that." Of course, all the women think they're doing us some big favor by "letting us down easy". That's some bullshit right there. My time is too valuable to put up with your games. Men may not talk incessantly about "our feelings", but we also aren't lying to your faces just to make ourselves more comfortable.

Jay, there's another type of woman that I hate too. The flake. You know the type. You meet them at some social event, the two of you hang out and have some laughs, and you get her number as the two of you speak about making plans to hang out again. Was this dream girl a ghost? She might as well have been. You call her up a couple of times, but you invariably never hear from her again. She never calls back. Then, one day down the road, the inevitable happens: you run into her again. And she comes up to you asking why the two of you haven't hung out at all. Because you're a flaky bitch, that's why. You've had my number for weeks, if not months, and you don't bother to call. You're always busy when I invite you out to do things, but I never get an invitation in return. I've deleted your number and you can go ahead and do the same with mine. I refuse to waste my time anymore.

I do, however, have an idea that may be a solution to this growing problem. Guys, don't go around getting numbers anymore. Just don't bother. Give girls your number. No more calling and only getting voicemail (she's probably screening your call on purpose, don't delude yourself); no more leaving your number and waiting for her to call back; and no more invites to social events that these girls are just going to turn down anyways. If she's interested in you, she'll call. She has your number. You can just give her your number and walk away. It's all complete on your end. Give this a try. Lemme know how it works out. Either way, you won't end up with a cell phone full of phone numbers of bitches that you never talk to anyways. Blog's to you,

A-Train

Be Direct, That's All We Ask

2004-06-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

THE JAY 3:18 p.m

I will do my best not to make any generalizations, or drum up any clichés. No wait, second thought, I will. Women are vague, unfair, cruel and a lot worse at communication than men. There, I said it and I feel better now. Look, I'm not trying to say that every girl I know or talk to is evil, though some of them are. What I'm peepin' about on this post are girls that we men meet when we are out at social functions. Here's how the thing goes, but shouldn't...

You meet a girl. She seems really sweet, funny. Smiles for days. She's throwing you vibes like a fourth quarter Dan Marino. You score the digits and go home happy. For all you know, this is the next par 5. Right? So you wait two days, cause two days is kinda money, and industry standard. The convo goes well, laughs are had and tentative plans are set. So far, so good. Then you go on the "date" and quickly realize it's gonna be a major no-go. So what happened? I'll tell you. She never liked you. Not at any point. Not like that. She may think you're fun to be around, but she doesn’t think you're fun to be around naked. Don't take it personally, she's just nuts.

And I come to my point. This post is for the ladies, but fellas, listen close. Ladies, if you don't like a guy, please, do us the small courtesy of not flirting with us. We won't be offended. You're saving the both of us a lot of time, money and energy by not giving us the mixed signal we look for to go forward. Just don't flirt. Don't give us your number. Don't say yes to a date. Don't ask us to come over. Don't touch us. It's just that easy. You wanna simplify the man vs. women problem, there you go. If you don't like a guy, don't like him. But do the thing right and don't like him all the way. Men are fairly simple about these things. We like a girl, we hit on her. We wanna bone a girl, we hit on her. We don't like a girl, well, we may still hit on her depending on our chances to bone. Cause guys like to play golf. If you know what I mean. Holes.

Women, I beg of you, stop fucking with us. We're tired of it. And we're on to you.

More T&A: The Other Side

2004-05-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 5:40 p.m.

The Jay, your list is quite the work of art. A true celebration of all the beauty that is bare breasts. Sadly, you leave me the unenvied task of tackling this issue from the other side. Who in Hollywood has, time after time in some cases, snubbed the loyal fans? For which actresses are we waiting eagerly for a celluloid view of their bare breastasses? And the saggies go to (in no particular order):

Jennifer Love Hewitt
How much of her crap have we sat through? Seriously. From the time she exploded into junior high schoolers' wet dreams everywhere in Can't Hardly Wait, all we've wanted to know is how well her boobs hold up without clothing. It's been all down hill from there. Heartbreakers? Eww. The Tuxedo? How are you gonna go and fuck up a Jackie Chan movie? Jackie, we're sorry. And now she's ruining Garfield? How dare she! She owes us. Jennifer, I hope you're listening.

Eliza Dushku
Truth be told, if I never even catch a glimpse of one of her nipples, I'd love her anyways. However, she'd earn my ten bucks for sure if she ever decided to bare her beauties on the big screen. I'd be there in a flash. I'd be there opening night. And you KNOW I'd be there when they release the uncut DVD. I'm all over like white on rice. She modeled bikinis for no particular reason in The New Guy, and we rejoiced. So Eliza, we love you already, but please, pretty please, with sugar on top, let us glimpse the top of the mountains.

Sarah Michelle Gellar
I'll be honest. It's all going down hill for her. Yes, Buffy is destined for mad syndication, but big screen-wise she's not pulling her weight. She started with Simply Irresistible, which was simply unwatchable for me, so I have no opinion on the matter. Next, she made huge steps with Cruel Intentions. It made girl on girl action that much more mainstream, and for this Sarah, I salute you. Yet, she's graced us with Scooby Doo not once, but twice. Come now people. They should've just used the cartoon dog from the original and been done with it. That disgrace to all that is CGI makes me weep for my childhood. She'd have been smart to have kept herself away from that disappointment and spent her time elsewhere. Lastly, she's married to Freddie Prinze Jr. Good lord almighty! He gets to see her nude and we have to envy him? Something's not right with the world Jay.

Natalie Portman
Mr. Lucas, I know what can save the entire Star Wars franchise. You can ruin everything that you've created, destroy a masterful work of art, and crap on the hopes and dreams of my future children and all youngens who will never get to see these movies in their original splendor. In fact, you most likely will. But, all will be forgiven if you some how, some way get this girl nude in Episode 3. Okay, maybe we won't forgive everything, but it'll go quite a long way. And believe me, you've got some making up to do. But we'll need more than a token nip flash. That wouldn't even make up for Greedo shooting first. Not even close. I want tits, I want ass, and I want plenty of screen time for both. You hear me over there!? All right, calm down. Despite all this, having seen Keira Knightley sans top (Doctor Zhivago the TV series and The Hole for those whose lives will soon be just a little bit better), I feel that I've already seen Ms. Portman's in some bizarre way.

Jessica Simpson
Have you seen her chest? Next question!

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
I'm bringin' it back old school Jay. Who here wouldn't like to see Kelly Kapowski nekkid? Anyone? Bueller? Didn't think so. Anyone who has any idea what I'm talking about will agree. Who hasn't seen Elizabeth Berkeley's eleven-year-old boy like chest? Exactly. Sit down Jessie Spano; we weren't looking at you at any point during Saved by the Bell's run. Not once. Then, she jumped into Beverly Hills 90210, a very welcome addition. She was a bitch, but no one cared. It was like Playboy. No one was paying attention to the words, we just wanted to look. Tiffani is constantly coming back, but with less and less fanfare and spotlight each time. I think it's about time to see what Zach Morris was dreaming about.

And last, but most definitely not least, my future wife and mother of my children:

Rachel Bilson
There are no objections. I just won't believe it. I can't believe it. Summer is years away from ever needing to resort to blessing us meager followers with her magnificent melons (I've dreamt of them many times and yes, they are magnificent), but a poor white boy from the valley can dream, can't he? If Ms. Bilson ever shed her wardrobe for the camera, I think I'd need about a week of alone time (give or take) just to recover. No man or woman alive could possibly convince me that Rachel Bilson's bare breasts wouldn't be reason alone for world peace and harmony. Who on the planet could bother to argue or fight when you could be viewing her natural splendor? For the sake of world peace, I beseech thee, Rachel Bilson.

Blog's to you,

A-Train

For Love of the T&A

2004-05-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 5:24 p.m.

You know what? I’m not gonna talk about the best and worst tit-ays in Hollywood. Cause there are just too many to name. So many great ones on great beauties that I have had the pleasure to enjoy on DVD, in a locked room. Let's go back further. Go beyond...

I wanna celebrate the women who have embraced gratuitous T & A. The ones who have given us the opportunity to have debates like this. The ones who have sacrificed their bodies on the alter of boyish entertainment. The ones who make it easier to sit through horrendous movies (Hello, Halle Berry). The ones who are the sole reason to sit through said crappy movies. The ones who have my undying support; for am I also someone who sacrifices my body to my art. In short, the boobs that I respect. And the women they belong to.

Kate Holmes - The Gift
Who knew? That's what it boils down to. Nobody had any idea this was coming. I remember the first time I heard the rumor. I didn't even know this movie existed. Which is rare, if you know me. But I heard a rumor she got nekkid. My boys and I drove for an hour to see a midnight screening, just to be sure the rumor wasn't wrong. It wasn't. And the dream of a thousand geeks was fulfilled. Glorious!

She may never have a career, post-Dawson's Creek. Doesn't matter. She will forever be loved by fanboys, revered by older men, and beloved by the male cinematic community. She is the queen of young Hollywood T&A. Way to go, Joey!

Rene Russo - The Thomas Crown Affair
Making MILFS a trend we could all get behind. Gotta respect the older woman with the hot body, willing to bare it all. And in multiple scenes! I've loved her on screen for years, but damn if she didn't get my respect with her scene on the beach.

Diane Lane - Unfaithful
See above. I mean, DAMN!

Angelina Jolie - All of her films
There's just something comforting in knowing that going to an Angelina movie means seeing her naked. No matter the quality of the film or the need for nudity, Ms. Jolie just likes to get nene. And I love her for it. I could draw her tits from memory. Doesn't matter. She drops trou more than any actress in Hollywood. And there's a reason she is a gigantic movie star despite not ever having a successful film on her back. And no, Tomb Raider does not count.

Charlize Theron - All of her films
See above. Sensing a pattern here.?

Halle Berry - Swordfish
Before Catwoman. Before Billy Bob. There was Swordfish. The one that changed everything. A mess of a movie, with two many endings, where none of them are any good. Smack in the middle of the flick, for no other reason that money, Storm flashed Wolverine. And it was good. For anyone that sat through Boomerang or Bulworth or The Flintstones or the frustrating Last Boy Scout, Swordfish was truly the light at the end of the tunnel. I literally hate that movie. Except for the twenty glorious seconds where Halle Berry gave in, and presented the world with a beautiful gift: her T's.

Let me also make a point that the last three ladies on the list all have Academy Awards. Warrants mentioning...

Patricia Arquette - Lost Highway
For no other reason than those are Alabama freakin’ Worley's kazammers! Hot dog! ... also, Dick Laurent is dead. Indeed. (By the way, if you didn't get that last reference, don't worry. I didn't either.)

Phoebe Cates - Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Childhood is over the moment you see Phoebe come out of that pool. Words can't express the joy and wonder of that scene. She disappeared off the face of the Earth, and though she is gone, she will never be forgotten. The red string bikini lives on.

The list could go on and on, but for my money those are my favorites. And those women are the ones that made the most indelible impression on me as a man. Thank you to all the actresses on the list, and those who are in my picture file. Parts of my anatomy truly salute you.

Bangarang A-Train!

I'll Take Famous Titties for $500

2004-05-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 12:15 p.m.

So here we are. Five posts in and we're talking about celebrity boobs. What the hell took us so long? Seriously! Well, now that we're on the topic, let's have at it. Who's got the best breasts in Hollywood? There are plenty of quality choices. Go ahead and make a top ten list if you will. Who's had the worst boob job? Best? Jay, I want your opinions on the glory of Hollywood boobs.

I, however, will only give this at present: Naomi Watts has the biggest nipples in Hollywood. Period. This is not my opinion. It is fact. I went to see 21 Grams and thought I'd lose an eye. Not saying she doesn't have a nice pair, because she does. I'm just saying that if she disrobes in a movie again, I'm gonna be sitting in the back of the theater. The way back. Blog's to you,

A-Train

Who likes the sluts? We like the sluts!

2004-05-25T03:59:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 3:59 a.m.

Dude, I never said celebrities are hurt by plastic surgery reports. Seriously. Every actress in Hollywood has had some work done. Not a one can denounce that. Hell, the hubbub over Lohan's wammos are getting her even more pub anyway, if I were her I wouldn't even squash the rumors. Let 'em play out a bit longer. They'll go away on their own, anyway. Since when has the media talked about Britney's ta-tas? It's been like forever in a day, cause we all know they're real. At this point, who cares, right?

And of course no one bought Britney as a virgin. Hell. she was living with Justin at one point. I mean really. What I dig about the Spears Persona is that she gets away with wearing the most revealingly slutty clothes, but isn't branded a slut. Yet Christina is the whore bag of the music world cause she pulls out the skimpies for each video. What has the Aguilera done to deserve such bad press? She ain’t ever had a fake Vegas wedding, she ain’t ever stolen someone's baby daddy, hell, I never even see her in the tabloids. Yet she's the slut and Britney's the innocent one. Outrageous.

But if we're talking about getting under the knife, let's talk about the bad run-ins. I mean have you seen Nicole Kidman's eyebrows? You couldn't pay her to move her forehead. Cause it ain't possible. Hello, botox! Table for two! Then there's Brittany Murphy's crack makeover, Julia's new lips, Angelina's redesigned bumble bees, and worst of all, Tara Reid's newly yeasted flap jacks. I just... you know... just when I was starting to like her again... with the boob job? Just killing all her Scrubs cred!

What's wrong with liking the body you got. It got you where you are to begin with, right? What's the need to shrink wrap, sterilize and sculpt it. Case in point, what red blooded man would choose the super thin, super tan, super leathery 2004 Jennifer Aniston over the first season of Friends, O.G. nose, baby fat, unbelievably hot Rachel Green?

Yeah, argument's over. Point to The Jay.

Sluts, Whores and Plastic Surgery: We're in Hollywood now!

2004-05-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 2:35 p.m.

First off, no, I don't have to start from the other side. I started with the men because we were on the subject of killing people. I don't particularly care which young Hollywood actress is slutting herself out. My only beef is that it's not with me.

But, if we're gonna give out the Tara Reid award (to anyone other than her, cause seriously...), there are several worthy nominees. I mean one obvious choice is Ms. Now-I'm-Married-Now-I'm-Not herself, Britney Spears. Virgin? Yeah, we bought that for a whopping 3 seconds. Well, not really, but I'm not here to be mean. Next, I'll mention Angelina Jolie. Billy Bob. I rest my case. Finally, I'll bring up Anna Kournikova. Sure, she's not really an actress, but then again she's not really a tennis player or a model either. First, she's whores herself out to half the NHL (but only those old enough to be her father) and now she's shacking up with the quintessential man-whore himself, Mr. Enrique "my mole was not the source of my pop powers" Iglesias.

And easy with the name calling at my future ex-wife Lindsay Lohan. Her boobs could be helium filled balloons and I'd still pay $10 to stare at them for a couple of hours. This whole controversy is gonna kill her career just like Britney Spears's career was killed by her own boob controversy. What's that? Yeah, boob controversies don't kill careers. Never happens. Entertainers don't lose work when everyone is talking about their boobs.

Okay, cold shower time. Blog's to you,

A-Train

Lohans, Albas and More Celebrity Boob Names...

2004-05-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 12:53 p.m.

Alright, if we're gonna do this, let's do it straight. Finding Forrester is not a Matt Damon movie. A five minute bit part/ cameo does not a star vehicle make. Hell, he cameos in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but that don't make the shit a Damon flick, either. I can't award that movie to him. Besides, it ain't that good to being with. It’s a cheap Good Will Hunting rip-off whose only saving grace is the novelty of seeing Indy's Dad talk like a black man.

Anyway, yeah, pay me enough money and I'd do just about anything aside from Helen Hunt. Bong! (Girlfriend's got a ginormous forehead!) The thing is... he's a professional actor trying to craft a career. Working to keep his name above the lights and posters. You gotta pick and choose your parts. He seems to do it better that others, i.e. his butt buddy Affleck, but all the same, you read a script, you see the cast, you judge in advance and save yourself the trouble. This fact alone is what separates the wannabes from the stars. The stars know their limits and pick accordingly. Which is why you never see the Cruiser playing a AIDS victim in a daring, cutting edge indie. And why you don't see Kate Hudson in anything where she's not burning a hole in the ozone with her megawatt veneers. It's also why when the stars appear in movies that fit their mold, the flick is always huge. Look at the Julia. She wallows in artsy dramas and ill advised romantic dramas for most of the mid 90's and nobody could give a shit. Then, BAM, out comes My Best Friend's Wedding, and suddenly it's all JULIA'S BACK!!! Never mind the fact that the movie is a gaping hole of ass.

ANYWAY... Talking about celebrity ass hounding/spoiling, you gotta start from the other side. Start with Damon's last ex, Winona Ryder. She's banged half of Hollywood. And the other half is on a waiting list. We're talking about Johnny Depp, Damon, The Counting Crow guy, Beck, Slater, Bob Eucker. Just kidding on the last one.

Or hell, back to the Julia, who boned Kiefer, Jason Patric, Ben Bratt, Lyle Lovett, Chandler Bing, Liam Neeson, Daniel Day-Lewis

On the men's side, this conversation starts and ends with Mark Whalberg, for the sole reason that he is currently swallowing Jessica Alba. The Alba! Damn you Marky Mark.

Also, let's not forget Colin Farrell, who was recently spotted humping the leg of my left hand's new best friend, one Lindsay "Boobs McChesty" Lohan.

So the question to you is: Who's the sluttiest actress in Hollywood. I'm not talking amount of time spent on her knees, cause Paris would win that shit. I'm talking the girl who just comes off like a two dollar whore. And Tara Reid doesn't count, cause this contest is f'ing named after her. We'll call it the Tara Reid Race to a Blowjob Award.

Oh, what a lovely tea party...

Pig Boy: The Verdict

2004-05-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

A-Train - 12:00 p.m.

All right. It's like this: I can forgive pig boy for Bagger Vance. I really can. However, I never wasted two precious hours of life on the flick, so I may be a bit biased. But seriously, if someone paid you a small armored truck-load of cash to wear stupid clothes and act like a douche bag for a month or so, you'd do it. I know you would. The man did do Bagger Vance and that horse flick crap back to back. Bad choices. Really bad. But, he came right back with Finding Forrester and Ocean's Eleven. Quality.

In addition, I can let the pig live because he doesn't go around spoiling young Hollywood actresses for me. Who was the last famous girl he dated? Minnie Driver? Yeah, Damon, you can have her. My question back to you is, who should be killed first for spoiling the most of young Hollywood? Who has ruined the most (or the highest caliber) of young Hollywood starlets that should be reserved only for the two of us? Cause seriously, Fred Durst and Carson Daily are two tools that are quite up there on my list, and I'd gladly see either of them take a bullet before my boy Damon.

Oh yeah, and about the trash talk: you may be named after a character in Men in Black, but I make this blog look good, biatch. Blog's to you,

A-Train

This is how we do it on the Blog, bitch!

2004-05-23T03:20:00.000-07:00

THE JAY - 3:20 a.m.

A-Train,
So here's how we're doing this thing. If a question gets asked, it must be answered. Tangent all you want, but the post doesn't end with the question left undone. So if I ask whether or not Matt Damon should be killed for the atrocity that was The Legend of Bagger Vance, or spared for the coolness of Bourne Identity, you gotta tell me if the pig boy lives or dies. Got it? Good. Moving on...

Next, there are no rules, nothing off limit and trash talk isn't just allowed, it's encouraged. And you better do it, too, cause I'm gonna goddamn rail on your pasty ass.

Third and final bit of business... at no time are we to discuss Mischa Barton and the vacuum she creates on what is the second greatest show on television. It's bad enough she's takes screen time away from the one and only Rachel Bilson. Anything else? No? Bueller? Good.

So let's get to it...

The first one is to you. Snoogans.

Love, The Jay