Check Out My New Star Wars (booger free!)

All right, let’s get down to business. This topic right here is a serious undertaking. I mean, the choices are vast. The topic really does allow one to go in any manner of direction. We could try to cast the movie in a way that would make it the same as the original, or completely different. The Jay, since this is your topic, I’ll go in the order you’ve chosen, and I’ll try to save my comments on your choices for later discussion. That being said, game on!

Princess Leia of Alderaan – Olivia Wilde
In six to eight years, Emma Watson will be the obvious choice for this role. At the current point in time, however, she just won’t do. Princess Leia must be legal. No ifs, ands, or butts about that. The other requirements for Princess Leia would have to be strong, yet feminine, well-spoken, and the curves to fill out a gold bikini (not necessarily in that order). I was also thinking of giving the role to Hillary Swank (can’t argue with two Oscars). Then I realized that she gets most of her work playing boys, or at the very least boyish girls, and no one really wants to see her in a gold bikini. Next!

Now, for those that don’t know who Olivia Wilde is, think back to the really hot lesbian from The O.C. Yeah, that’s her. She’s amazingly hot, and has both the soft feminine side and the hard edged, take no shit side. Plus, she’s waspy-looking enough to believe that she’s Luke’s sister. I could see her shooting down storm troopers, and I could also see her in a gold bikini strangling Jabba. Oooooohh yeah, I could definitely see her in that gold bikini….. Sorry about that. She also looks a great deal like Kristanna Loken, but I didn’t like the idea of Princess Leia being six feet tall, so I went with Olivia. Damn, my Star Wars is gonna be hot yo!

Luke Skywalker – James Marshall
That’s right, I like Pfc. Louden Downey as Cracker-Farm-Boy Luke Skywalker. He’s got the looks for it, and he’s got the fresh off the boat, but I got lots of heart feel to him. He’s been around enough to have some Hollywood experience, but change up the haircut and get some makeup on him and no one would really recognize him. Plus, he was the great white hope in Gladiator (not that Gladiator, the other one), so he probably has the skill to throw down with a lightsaber.

The Jay, while I accept your choice to cast a total unknown for Luke and totally understand and respect the reasons for it, I just needed to make a choice for this role. While I could probably scour the earth with the world’s largest casting call and find the perfect Luke, in a pinch Pfc. Downey can get the job done. “Hal?”

C3PO – Kevin Pollack
Kevin Pollack is kind of an off the wall choice for C3PO, but hear me out. C3PO was mostly around for a bit of comic relief in A New Hope. So, I’m gonna keep the comic relief, but change the role a little bit. Instead of being as prissy as in the original, I think an updated version of the movie could update C3PO into being a robot that just doesn’t give a crap, and Kevin Pollack can pull that off with ease. He doesn’t really give a crap about any of this war going on around him, but he really has nothing better going for him, so he just kind of follows R2 around. This could work. Seriously.

R2D2 – Warwick Davis
Not so much for his Leprechaun work, but he will forever have Verne Troyer beat simply for his work on Willow. Little Man carried the film as an 18 year old rookie. Now, Verne Troyer wouldn’t be bad, but Willow’s got more experience. Solution: little person wrestling cage match – two enter, only one leaves (and gets to be R2D2).

Chewbacca – Shaquille O’Neal
Not only does Shaq have size over Mutombo, but he’s got acting experience to back it up. Kazaam? Steel? Masterpieces, all of them. Okay, maybe not, but Shaq’s got the bulk necessary to play Chewbacca and I don’t think Mutombo has enough meat on his bones to carry it off. And come on, like anyone can understand more than like 5% of what Shaq spews out of his mouth. “Blah, blah, blah. Kobe sucks. Blah, blah, blah.” Shaq would rule as Chewie. He’s got the size, the aggression, but he’s also learned to take over and let someone else be a leader on the court. He’d follow Han’s orders and just wait for his turn to kick a little storm trooper ass.

Grand Moff Tarkin – Brad Dourif
I love Jason Isaacs for this choice. Dude is flat out awesome. It was a primo choice on your part The Jay. But, I’m gonna go ahead and choose someone else just to be original and for discussion’s sake.

So, what else to do, but go to the other sweeter than sweet fantasy epic of our time, Lord of the Rings. Brad Dourif has the cold as eyes and uber-creepiness necessary to pull off this role. Dourif would play a less high class Tarkin, and that’s just fine by me. My Tarkin would be more power hungry, even less play by the rules, and more despicable and disliked. He’d bring more of an ugliness to the character (that wasn’t meant to be a burn on Brad Dourif, but hey, man just ain’t that pretty) which could really work, especially when contrasted against Vader’s “beautiful, black visage” and loyalty to the honorable force.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – Sir Anthony Hopkins
I don’t think I would like Ian McKellen as Obi-Wan either. Ideally, Richard Harris would still be alive and I’d go with him. He had that quiet power that was exactly what Alec Guiness brought to Obi-Wan. However, until I learn the secrets of resurrection, I’ll have to make other plans.

This was a big role for me; very important to set the tone of the film (and trilogy) because he’s the first you see of the light side of the force. My Obi-Wan has to be old and frail enough that you wouldn’t think him any sort of threat or warrior at first glance, but he’d have an underlying confidence that exudes to the point that it doesn’t really surprise you when he whips out the light saber and cuts some dude’s arm off just for pushing Luke. Obi-Wan is a peaceful man, but he doesn’t take any shit.

Another possible actor for the role was Sean Connery. He’s getting kinda old, but not decrepit. He’s fairly frail, but you know he’s a bad-ass. Only problem, that damned accent. Is the pope Polish? Well, OK, bad example. But I can tell you one thing, Obi-Wan Kenobi is just not Scottish.

The next person I looked at (and very seriously, mind you) was Bill Nighy. I think Bill could pull this role off. He’s a frail, older man, who can still kick quite a bit of ass (see Underworld, exhibit A). What really blew it for me with Bill was the voice again. It’s imperative that my Ob-Wan have the proper voice for every time he talks to Luke post-Vader fight.

In the end, I chose Sir Anthony Hopkins. Yes, I know, Hannibal Kenobi. Go ahead and yuck it up. But, allow me to explain myself. I searched far and wide for an actor who could pull off the venerable Obi-Wan. It’s harder than it sounds. In addition to all of the previously mentioned characteristics, you have to be able to picture him as a total recluse, yet a man with an extremely heightened sense of honor and duty who takes decisive action upon being notified of Leia’s message and her cry for help. Hopkins is old and frail, but lord knows he could whoop some ass with a light saber if need be. Furthermore, he would be excellent as Luke’s deceased and ethereal mentor, with a great off-screen voice that carries a lot of presence.

Han Solo – Clive Owen
As an ardent Han Solo fan, this role is very key for me. Han Solo is your classic anti-hero. You gotta love him and hate him at the same time. And whoever I choose has to be able to deliver the “I know” line when Leia tells him that she loves him and really be able to sell it.

Clive Owen is the perfect guy to play Solo. Number one, he’s a badass. Anyone playing Han Solo must be a complete and utter badass. It’s a necessity for the role. Second, Clive Owen is one of those guys that you admire for being a badass, but at the same time, you’re not quite sure you’d want this guy as a friend (at least not until he’s proven his loyalty by the end of Jedi). Clive can play sketchy, and Solo is sketchy for sure. Clive’s got a great delivery that’s smooth and effortless and would work well with Solo. He’d shoot Greedo first, but he could also get away with saying something really kick ass before he does it (do I hear a, “Thank you for your honesty, now fuck off and die!”).

Furthermore, I could see Solo having a British accent, if Clive couldn’t ditch his. British accents just work well for someone who needs to be the classic anti-hero. Throwing out the classic Solo sarcasm at Princess Leia with a British accent would be a treat. Clive could lay that shit on nice and thick. Clive Owen is at the top of his game these days, and he’d be perfect for Solo.

That being said, I think Colin Ferrell could fit the bill also. He’s not as grungy as Harrison Ford, but we can overlook that or fix it with make-up. It’d be easy to love him and hate him all at the same time. I could see him shooting Greedo first (and shoot first he would!), and I could see him coming back to help save the day. He may be a little young/immature looking for the part, but I think that contrasted against a young looking James Marshall as Luke, Farrell would work quite well.

As an alternate choice, I could totally see Val Kilmer doing the part also. Get him in the right make-up and let him take care of business. Mix Madmartigan with Simon Templar and just a little bit of Doc Holliday. Throw the result up in space, and give him a wookie, and you’re all set.

Darth Vader (voice) – Michael Clarke Duncan
This choice seemed pretty clear to me. My boy Bear has plenty of voice over experience, due to his immensely cool, ultra-deep bad ass voice. Not to mention the fact that he could probably stand in for Vader too, since he’s massive. However, he may be a bit too wide and bulky to play Vader. Vader is a spiritual brother, not a body builder. If he needed to lift a barbell with three plates on either side, he wouldn't hop on the bench, he’d just use the force.

But, either way, Vader’s voice has to be Michael Clarke Duncan. He could throw the subwoofers in the theater into overdrive, which is critically necessary for Vader’s booming voice. With any sort of half decent direction, Bear could rock the house as Vader.

This is a tough game my friends, but someone’s got to do it. So, might as well be us. Any comments for me? Let me know if one of my choices was particularly astute or extremely lame. What say you, The Jay?

Blog’s to you,

A-Train