Paris who?

A-Train - 11:45 p.m.

Like none of you know who I’m talking about. And that’s precisely the problem. My second pick, Paris Hilton, is a household name in America. The vast majority of men in this country have probably seen her naked. In fact, the vast majority of American men have probably seen her doing things that this blog site is too damn respectable to describe. But why do we all know this girl so well? Why is she on the cover of magazines? I mean, Jenna Haze is just as cute. And she takes it in the pooper! (With no poor lighting or nightvision required, I’d like to add)

Being a humongous slutbag shouldn’t make a person famous. Cause hey, we all know girls from high school or college that have probably out-slutted even Paris Hilton. Paris isn’t even all that good looking. Honestly, why does she get to be on the cover of like every magazine out there? Why do all the doors open for her? To quote the all-knowing Jason Lee: “What the fuck man? What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?"

I’ll lay it down for you. Paris Hilton was born rich. Well zippity doo-dah for her. So we’ve established that she’s rich and not all that good looking. Good start to being famous…. The truth of the matter is that she is famous for taking daddy’s money and whoring herself around every major city in the world.

Now, if Paris had some redeeming values (other than being able to take a money shot to the face, ZING!), I might be able to allow for her celebrity status. But she’s really a waste of blonde hair and a decent body. She has starred in absolutely zero quality movies. None. She does however guest star on TV shows every so often. Playing herself! Nice acting there Paris, you nailed the role. Her only real claim to fame is co-starring in a TV show with Nicole Ritchie (and I ain’t even gonna get started with her) where America tunes in to see how dumb and naïve they can be, and how much shit they can fuck up. Vundabar! I love it. America is completely shameless. And all of you that claim the joke’s on her because you tune in to laugh at her, not with her; guess what? The joke’s on you. You just feed her celebrity machine.

But you know, some people can be celebrities just for being themselves. It is possible. It’s possible that someone is so charismatic, appealing, and knowledgeable about what the people want that their personalities alone warrant celebrity status. Her name is Oprah Winfrey, and sorry Paris, but the spot’s taken. Gain 100 pounds, grow a few new brain cells, and pull a reverse Michael Jackson maneuver on us and we may consider it. I don’t have much else to say regarding this section of my argument, but I have to ask you: Do you really care about Paris Hilton’s opinion or insight about anything at all?

The other day I caught a re-run of the last MTV Movie Awards which featured one Paris Hilton doing a few red carpet interviews. The theme of the night appeared to be horror films, and she was apparently told to ask everyone in attendance what their favorite scary movies are (how original). She then proceeds to go about this seemingly simple task with about as much intelligence as a carrot stick. She has no response to anyone’s favorite scary movie. How hard is it to come up with 15 seconds worth of witty banter to Jaws or Halloween? I would kill to talk horror movies with some of today’s biggest celebrities. Not Paris. She couldn’t be bothered with doing any sort of prep work for an actual job. True celebrities are some of the hardest workers on the planet. Most of them are workaholics. Paris doesn’t even work on her tan. She paints that shit on there, all bright orange like.

Finally, this recent cell phone hacking incident just further illustrates how worthless Paris is. Who keeps naked pictures of themselves on their own cell phone? Who does that? Is that style? I think not. In summation: Paris Hilton isn’t all that attractive, provides zero entertainment value, and doesn’t come remotely close to having a personality worth bestowing celebrity status upon. Oh yeah, her purses are ugly too.

Blog’s to you,

A-Train

P.S. Sorry for the delay in posting. Advice of the day: don’t go to law school, you know enough crap already.