The Search Continues: More Crap!

A-Train – 2:15 a.m.

The Jay, I had to choose very carefully when I was deciding on whom to name in my first post. I had to try to pick someone equally as devoid of talent as Ashley Simpson, and that’s no easy task at all. So, after scouring my brain, I’ve found someone equally as useless. So, here goes nothing.

My First Pick: Brittany Murphy

Don’t let the amount of films this girl has done fool you. To put it plainly, she sucks. In fact, she sucks balls. Her latest misadventure had her paired opposite Ron Livingston. I’ll hold off the praise for my boy Ron until we have a most underrated celebrity in the world competition, but needless to say, he’s the shit. So, with my boy Ron at the helm, how did this film fail so miserably? I haven’t seen it, but I can tell a big ball of ass when I see a big ball of ass, and Little Black Book, that’s a big ball of ass. I’ll sum up exactly how it failed in two words: Brittany Murphy. This girl has no comedic timing and can sap the life out of any character, no matter how well written.

Exhibit A: Brittany Murphy’s “break out” role was in Clueless. First of all, she should have bailed on the project when she found out she was gonna have to share the screen with Alicia Silverstone. It just wasn’t fair. Alicia = HOT! Brittany = not so much. I know Brittany wasn’t supposed to be anything special in the movie, but come on girl. Do better. You’re supposed to be the cute new girl that’s not from around town. It’s not that hard. Anyways, onto

Exhibit B: After doing just about nothing after Clueless (wait, she was in Bongwater. Yeah, nevermind), Brittany was thrown another bone by none other than Eminem. And this wasn’t the current Eminem whose album release was just another album release; this was the Eminem who was at the heart of every controversy that was on anyone’s mind. So, Brittany Murphy gets this huge bone thrown to her, Eminem is all like, “Hey Brittany Murphy, here’s a humongous bone that’s gonna float your career and make you all famous and shit cause even though you were in Clueless and Girl Interrupted no one knows who you are.” And what did this girl do? She dropped the frickin’ bone. After the refs reviewed the play, they concluded that she did not have possession of the bone while in bounds, and the ruling on the field was overruled. No touchdown, do not pass go, do not collect $200. No one thought she was good in this movie. We weren’t sure whether we thought Eminem’s character was supposed to end up with her character, but we didn’t really care either.

So, after she gets this big part in this insanely huge, massively popular film, she goes and loses 30 pounds and gets a stylist who dyes her hair (amongst other changes). Next thing you know she’s immensely popular and a huge mega-star right? Well, not exactly. I figure she’s got about one more tragic bomb of a romantic comedy in her before people realize that she does, in fact, suck balls.

As The Jay would say, Bangarang, Uptown Whore!

Blog’s to you,

A-Train